Sex issues with children

[Hownoobrooncoo]

had a chat with ds (yr 5) earlier. He's quite naive but been showing an interest in sex recently. It's obvious boys at school are talking about it and some have older brothers and are the youngest so probably being opened to some things earlier than my son who is the oldest. I've always tried to be open and asking any questions he has had. He comes home telling me the words he has learned like cunt and I explain what they mean but that aren't nice words to use etc. Tonight at bedtime we are having a cuddle and he mentioned sex and how disgusting it was, cue me having to say that sex when done properly between people who like and care for each other and want to have sex is natural and nice. Never been completely sure how much he really understands about the sex act but he went on to say about humping and the man puts his penis in the ladies vagina and it can be rough. I ask him who the boys are that tell all this stuff and how they know so much and he says they get it from the computer, that they type in sex and watch people having sex. If this is true I have no idea but when I mentioned I was concerned and might have to talk to their parents he got really upset and said I was breaking his confidence and he's obviously worried that the boys would turn on him. He already feels like the uncool one as these boys all play Call of Duty and other such games while he isn't allowed (this has been a whole other big issue).

I really don't know what to do, if these boys are accessing porn or similar then obviously I'm worried but my son has trusted me and been so open that I'm worried that this could cause him to block me in future which then affects our relationship. Also, not looking to opening up this whole can of worms with the parents and any fall out it could cause for me or my son. Could be that what they are watching is fairly innocent and sex just from telly or movies, even my son said this when he got upset.

Really don't know how best to deal with this, sorry for the essay just want to give a clear picture as possible.

This is awful. You should tell the school asap. It is classed as neglect to allow a child to view pornography and could be an indicator of abuse. Be careful about how you deal with this, don't mention it to the parents.

If he has been watching this on the school computer you can easily get them to deal with it very discreetly. They can address this issue as if they have have discovered it themselves through the computers history or similar.

The school really does need to be informed if they're watching this on their computers. It's not appropriate viewing and shows that they don't have the correct restrictions in place. I know they searched for it but who knows what an even you get child could accidentally come across.

Hopefully by telling the school you will have done the right thing and not broken your sons trust. Explain to the school you don't want it to come from you or your son.

Good luck!

I would think it's at home, not the school computer.

And I know the mothers of these boys, they are all nice kids from what seems caring homes. Just don't want to have to have the conversation with them and the backlash this could have on my son to say nothing of he might never confide in me again.

I would approach the school and ask them to avoid mentioning your son. They can act on it either in a general way or if they feel it's appropriate with one or two families.

They're obviously not from caring homes if they have unsupervised access to the Internet at 5!
A huge part of me hopes this is a wind up, because IME, 5 yr olds don't show that sort of interest in sex at all. If my 6 yr old came home telling me those sorts of things, I would be having serious words with the school.

If this is true, get yourself into school - hopefully they can pass on your concerns to the stupid parents who allow their dc to type sex on the computer.

Faverolles- he is in year 5, he's not 5 years old.

Yr 5, these are 9 and 10 yr olds and they are from caring families.

Oh, ok
Ignore previous rant.

I'd still go into school though, and I still stand by what I said about the parents. Who gives a 9/10 yr old unsupervised access?

Hownoo, no, they are stupid as they are not protecting their children.
They may think they are caring, but their dc have come into school having watched people having sex on the Internet. There's something very wrong there.

I think that - yes you do need to inform the school rather than the parents, but separately, it's probably about the time to have a discussion with him about porn, because however naive he is, it is fairly likely he will come across it in the next few years, either at a friend's house or on a friend's (brother's) phone or by typing things in himself out of curiosity. A really high proportion of children (especially boys) have seen porn by the time they are 13 - there are stats somewhere but I forget.

It's important IMO to make a distinction between sex between two loving adults in a relationship and the kinds of things you see on a screen which is made primarily because it makes money, not because the people involved want to do those things. Without getting into any arguments about the ethics of porn as a whole, the kind of stuff you find by typing "sex" into google is not very nice and tends not to be the "ethical" stuff you can seek out. I don't think it's likely to be sex in films/TV programmes, either. (It might even be worth opening up a private browsing window when your DS is in bed and seeing what comes up under various "safesearch" levels.)

This is cringeworthy, but I think you need to be honest with him about everything or he will look back when he's older and decide you were wrong about X, so you must be wrong about Y, so maybe it's worth mentioning that some people do like to have "rough" sex, but that this is something which should never happen unless both partners are 100% into it, and that the kind of sex he might see on the computer, doesn't show this. And of course that he won't have to worry about that until he's MUCH older, as most people take a few years to work out what kinds of things they like.

Thanks Bertie. That all makes sense and I want to be open and have tried to be as my own parents were so closed and literally told us nothing at all, even about periods etc. I typed in sex and Porn on my iPad last night just to see how easy it is to access. A free graphic porn site came up straight away which showed everything, I'd hate to think that young children are watching this though I'm sure I read recently that many young kids had accessed their first porn at the age of 10 or 11 yrs. Maybe I should post my opening post on chat to at least get parents realising how big an issue is, I know I'll be checking what safety guards we have in place. Many of his friends are allowed to browse YouTube and probably the Internet, have Facebook accounts etc. The pressure is huge for those who aren't allowed these things at a young age, seems the genie is out the bottle and won't be going back in anytime soon.

Facebook is very safe IMO, because there is a face to a name and your details aren't open unless you choose them to be.

Our children, especially our sons, are being faced with exposure to horrific stuff online and it is something that many parents ignore because they don't expect kids to look for it. But they do, and it's up to us to make sure they don't find it.

If you start a thread on this subject, make sure the OPost has links to ways for parents to deal with this. CEOP has good information.

Before last night I'd have said OMG too young to be knowing about that sort of stuff however after my DP's 10 year old daughter came to me last night and asked me if it was correct that babies are made by a man putting his thingy into a ladys bits (which left me completely gobsmacked) I would say it is probably about the correct age to be becoming curious? She asked because the school book fair last week was apparently selling books on sex ed for minor's and a couple of children in her class were bought them and have been sharing the info and passing the books about but her dad wasn't informed this sort of book would be available until after the event, we are now looking to find out exactly which book it is so we can get an idea of exactly how much she may know and what level of detail it goes into. We figure not much point in lying or refusing to talk about it as we want her to feel able to come and talk to us and she will be starting sex in school soon anyway but if I found out her or her friends had been watching such graphic images I would not be happy that is kind of going a bit over and above what is reasonable IMO but then I am generally rather anti porn anyway.

There is a world of difference between learning from playground chat or educational books and allowing them to explore internet pornography!

I don't like porn either, but I think it's naive to assume that they will never see it just because you tell them it's nasty and bad. It's something which is very normalised among teens (has been for the last decade or so) and generally parents saying it's bad/disgusting/whatever gets dismissed as parents being out of touch, or prudes, or whatever.

I think it's much better to pre-empt the stuff they'll learn about porn from their friends by explaining, in a matter of fact way, without showing anything, that porn is unrealistic, it often shows sex acts which are extreme and/or niche, it tends to present sex as this aggressive act when in reality it can (and should) be so different, and the big one, that a lot of the women in these films have been forced into it and/or forced to do things which they didn't originally agree to or expect to have to do.

I think if you prepare them for the reality of it before they come across it they will be better informed and able to make their own decision, rather than going along with their friends telling them it's fine and everyone uses it. That doesn't mean you let them look it up or even block most sites but let a few "harmless" ones through. It just means you talk through the problematic aspects before they have chance to be brainwashed into thinking it's harmless. Unfortunately, probably the best age to have this discussion is 10 or 11 :(