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Original poster

Unwanted child - did your DH come round to the idea/fact after birth?

24 replies

mejustbetter · 29/03/2012 13:47

Did your DH/DP come around to the idea of having a/another child once it was born, especially if he was first "against" the pregnancy?

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child. The child was an "accident". DH moved out temporarily, he is so shaken by the pregnancy. While I am not going to have an abortion, i would do anything else to have him back as part of the family unit.

I am going to have the baby, just looking for positive stories, or stories where an unwanted child has broken up the family.

(I hope this is the right section to post in, if not, please move!)

OP posts:
Original poster
mejustbetter · 29/03/2012 13:49

well, he isn't "against" the pregnancy. He is against the pregnancy. No inverted commas needed. :-( I live in denial. Please help.

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 29/03/2012 14:01

I'm sorry that you have seperated. It must feel very painful for you and your other children.

Is your DH prepared to talk to you ie. through relate. Does your DH want to stay married? Were there problems with your relationship before you became pregnant? I know its awful, but does your husband believe you when you say it was an "accident"? Do you have support from the rest of your family?

There are no easy answers. Its very rare that a new baby mends a marriage.

foxeeroxee · 29/03/2012 14:07

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
i went through the exact thing last year which was funnily enough our 3rd dc. We were both devastated....i never contemplated abortion but oh felt strongly that we should (due to lack of finances, other dc very hard work etc)
Continued with pregnancy and we both eventually got to the point when we accepted what was happening. Not exactly excited but you get what i mean.

when ds2 was born unfortunatly oh couldnt be there and this really had a negative effect on their bond. but...

16weeks later neither of us could imagine life without ds2...the financial side doesnt matter and yes its hard but we get on with it and even enjoy it!! Grin

Hope this shows that what starts as a hard situation can turn into something positive.

Best of luck with the pregnancy whether you do it alone or with dh support.

Agincourt · 29/03/2012 14:13

We had a very much unplanned third child and I think for me, I just treated every day as it came and I think really we were both in denial until he was actually born, but he was just meant to be here. We both love him unconditionally but I did feel guilty after he was born that I didn't want him when I initially found out but I think part of that was because I had PND. But both dh and I always thought that we were adults and that the contraceptive failure was not particually anyones fault (we were using condoms) and what would be would be.

I am sorry your husband isn't being more adult about this. Yes it wasn't planned but if he was adamant he didn't want any more children he should have had a permanent sterilsation if he felt that strongly and as he didn't he has learnt that contraception is never 100% foolproof. That's life I am afraid, but instead of being an adult he has scuttled off and left you to it. I would want to rip his bollocks off tbh. Are you not angry with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/03/2012 14:39

Other people's experiences may not match yours. The reality is that you're going have three children and whether you also have a husband to go with them or not, no-one can say. As he seems quite selfish and very unreliable I would make plans for 'not' and take it from there.

naturalbaby · 29/03/2012 16:36

My 3rd was unplanned too. Moving out is a pretty extreme reaction, my DH came round with a good long chat - i.e yes it's unplanned but there's a heartbeat and a live baby growing and we've got to come to terms with that. I pushed him to talk it through and said I refused to deal with the denial and upset every day so we had to discuss it, deal with it and move on. We then agreed to be as positive as possible for the rest of our family.

Original poster
mejustbetter · 29/03/2012 17:08

thanks all for your replies.

  • there were no relationship problems before the pregnancy, so it is not a "mend the marriage" baby
  • i am starting to think (because of his extreme reaction) that there are deeper issues with him though and this pregnancy was the straw that broke the camel's back
  • we both knew our method of contraception was flaky, but surely DH kind of blames me
  • my parents in law are being horrible horrible about it
  • i am just now telling others and getting support
  • i am not angry, just want him to work this out

am glad for you guys that things have worked out!

OP posts:
foxeeroxee · 29/03/2012 17:18

Glad to hear your getting support elsewhere op. why are your ils been horrible? Its really got nothing to do with them apart from telling dh to stop been so bloody selfish.
Im amazed that you're not angry at him... when oh left i wanted to rip his balls off!! You are showing real strength.

By the way it takes 2 to tango Wink so dh is been unfair if he blames you.

Original poster
mejustbetter · 29/03/2012 17:23

in-laws think we cannot cope. they are "so sorry for their son and for our 2 other kids". they want me to terminate.

OP posts:
foxeeroxee · 29/03/2012 17:43

Shock how insensitive!!!
i really dont know what to say.
Termination is not their decision though and by saying they feel sorry for the children is horrific.they would do better by asking if u need any help. Sorry my posts arnt more helpful.

FreshwaterPlimpies · 29/03/2012 18:27

I'd agree that sounds as if your DH is going through some issues of his own regarding this. Just can't imagine how extreme they must be in order for him to temporarily leave a previously happy family. You sound like you are being so strong, especially with PIL's disgraceful comments. Have they forgotten that your two children were once in the defenceless position that LO is in now? As for their 'poor son', as Agincourt said, if he was so opposed to a pregnancy, there were steps he could have taken.
Not helpful of them, and I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you. I hope it works out and DH can apologise profusely for putting you in this situation. Best if luck with everything.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 29/03/2012 18:33

Dd is the result of a mirena coil fail. Obviously we did not want any more. Dh was away at work when I found out, and I was 18 weeks at that point so no termination possible.

He came home 3 days later with a travel cot and told me it would all be fine.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 29/03/2012 18:34

Oops posted roo soon...

By contrast it sounds like he is blaming you. Is that possible?

BeattieBow · 29/03/2012 18:37

similar situation here although I got pg with a planned baby, and afterwards dh decided he didn't want it. He moved out also. I'm now 34 weeks and he came to a scan with me yesterday and is now excited by the baby. Part of his doubts also relate to how we will cope with another baby, the disruption, the effect on the other children, the financial side etc, so I will have to see how that goes after the baby comes. partly I'm pandering to him, in that I've agreed I won't take any unpaid maternity leave, but I can't do much about anything else really.

oh and like you my mil really didn't help the situation - I've decided I don't want her in my life now (long story not just caused by this) I wish she had kept out of it really, but I couldn't stop her expressing her "helpful" views.

HillyWallaby · 29/03/2012 18:41

When you say the PG was an "accident" in inverted commas, do you mean it was accidentally on purpose on your part? Were you secretly hoping to get PG even though you knew emphatically that DH was against it? did you allow a situation with 'flaky' BC to continue in the hope that you would get PG and could say 'ah well, you always knew our BC was flaky'?

Tell me the answers honestly then I'll tell you whether I think DH is being an arse or not. Grin

EssentialFattyAcid · 29/03/2012 18:42

Blimey
This conception is 50% your dh's responsibility.
If you did not already have children I could understand that this pregnancy could be a deal breaker for him

Since you have 2 children already it is astonishing that he would break up with you over this imo.

Would he go to couples counselling? Have you any insight as to why he feels so strongly that he would leave the marriage over this?

Original poster
mejustbetter · 29/03/2012 18:58

he might be blaming me, like i already wrote.

I put the inverted commas on accident because the word is not really suitable in relation to having children imo. I have already played the blame game with myself for a while and it is very unhelpful in my situation now to be honest. it might explain why I am not angry with him in this situation though.

DH didn't want to take permanent contraception measures and was happy to use the calendar method which failed us twice already before. It was a grey area. DH also admitted that he was undecided about having another child but only when I got pregnant developed this total block about it.

In general I am not asking you guys if you think he is being an arse or not, I want to know of experiences where marriages have split up or come back together after the pregnancy rift.

OP posts:
EssentialFattyAcid · 29/03/2012 20:19

I think this is about your marriage and not about other peoples' experiences.
Your dh is indeed acting like an absolute arse, and I doubt that many people would think otherwise. You sound as though you would be willing to forgive and forget though.

MagnumIcecreamAddict · 29/03/2012 20:24

After 8 years together and some fairly hard pushing DH and I decided to ttc. He'd always known I wanted kids and it was a breaker for us. Conceived first month. DH pretty much ignored the pregnancy. Did nothing whatsoever to help get things ready for a baby. When I got home from hospital told me he felt nothing for DS and didn't wnt him. Was complete pita and no help for next 3 months, no night help, no housework help....

Then it started to improve and by the time DS was 6 months he was clearly bonded with DS. By 1 year he had takn a day off each week to spend time with DS. They adore each other, DH helps loads and he announced recently, unprompted, that he'd like to do it all again and do it right this time.
What I'm trying to say is yes, it can turn around, we're so strong as a couple now, but it's a very very hard road and I'm fairly sure if there had been older dc involved I'd probably have left.
I wish you lots of luck and I hope you get the chance to have a heart to heart with your DH soon.

HillyWallaby · 30/03/2012 11:47

mejustbetter So sorry - I thought I was AIBU. Blush

HillyWallaby · 30/03/2012 11:48

was on AIBU

naturalbaby · 30/03/2012 12:48

If your Dh was undecided about a 3rd and then had a total turnaround then he is being a total idiot and needs to be told in no uncertain terms to pull himself together.
Mine had a change of heart after we discussed it properly. We both gave each other a chance to explain how we felt and what we should do about it. That helped us come to terms with it as a couple and do the practical things like go shopping for a new car.

CrashLanded · 30/03/2012 20:34

My 3rd was unplanned. When I showed the pregnancy stick with pregnant and 8-10 weeks to my husband, his first reaction was, "shit, oh shit. Damn it, can't we reset this? Oh no." there was a pause and he then said, "your decision, you sort it out."

Anyway, dc3 is now 2 and a half years old. We are still happily married. He is a great father to all 3 of our children and dh is besotted with dc3.

Original poster
mejustbetter · 30/03/2012 20:39

thanks for more replies! It helps to hear how others have coped.

HillyWallaby - that's ok! thanks for replying again. But yeah I didn't put it in AIBU because at the moment it is still a very serious and sad topic for me.. (of course not that heavy a subject that I thought it should be in Relationships...)

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