Toddler discipline

[EverythingsNotRosie]

After a conversation with some colleagues today, I am doubting myself and need some reassurance/ advice. DD is 16 months old, still pretty much a baby, but starting to assert her right to make decisions! She is also into pinching/ scratching/ biting.

So at the moment she gets one warning "No, DD, don't scratch, that hurts mummy" in a sad voice and then a crosser voice if she does it a second time, and gets put down on the floor for time out for a few seconds (i.e. no attention). She generally either cries for a minute and grabs her comforter or wanders off and does something else. Incident over.

Unless she is going to hurt herself or others, I let her explore her world pretty much as she likes. Today was the first time she tried to make a decision, which was to scream when I was trying to dress her and grab her 'party' dress and try to wear that instead. After a couple of minutes trying I put her in the dress and sent her to nursery, because, well, she wanted to wear it and I didn't see it as a battle worth fighting. She spent the whole way in the car stroking her dress and going "aah, wow, pretty" so she was very chuffed!

Anyway, getting to the point (sorry so long) I told this story to colleagues who said I shouldn't have given in, she should wear what I choose/ what I tell her and it was time to start disciplining her, some said with naughty step, another said smacking... But to me she's still a baby and not ready for those things. Am I wrong? Am I 'making a rod for my own back'?!

Are you wrong? Let me think about this... Is she your child? Are you following your instincts?

Sounds like she's a happy little soul and I think the answer to both the above questions is "yes" - who gives a stuff what anyone else thinks about your parenting choices, methods or behaviour? I think it's cute your daughter went to nursery in a party dress - heck I'd let my (14mo) DS go out in a party dress if it made him happy and prevented a 'row'!

FFS your daughter is a small child, there's plenty of time for doing the 'accepted' things down the line (at school for example she will have to wear the uniform).. I just don't understand this attitude that children must learn that you're the boss from as early an age as possible. Why can't they have a little fun and why can't parenting be less structured than the flipping army or else your baby will manipulate you and get away with murder!

I'm having similar problems with DS hitting, scratching, pinching etc and my instinct is to do what you're doing. I personally feel that smacking just gives the impression it's OK to smack which defeats the object in this case and although I can't fully explain why or have a successful alternative I don't like the idea of time outs and naughty steps. I would like to be as laid back and fun-loving as you appear to be OP, and my advice to you would be to carry on doing what you're doing and ignore anyone who cares to inflict their unwanted opinion tell you otherwise

Aww, thanks Cupoftea! To be honest, laidback I am not in most parts of life but as I work full time I need the time DD does have with us at home to be fun and relaxed etc. I also feel the same way about conventional 'punishments'- smacking is a no go, especially if the problem is about hurting others, and I just don't like time out stuff- it seems to prolong the problem to me, dragging out the issue unnecessarily. Maybe someone else can point me in the direction of an alternative?

My DS is 17 months old and I am already finding myself doing things I said I would never do (when I was childless), but you really have to pick your battles. Yesterday he stood at the cupboard an hour before teatime and screamed and pointed to it (there are cookies in it). I offered him tomatoes or a banana as an alternative but he decided to have a tantrum instead. I was on Skype to my folks at the time and was rather mortified, but I just pulled the door to so that I could see him but drown the noise out a bit. He eventually came through and had some tomatoes, then ate all his dinner. My mum, meanwhile, asked what he was crying for and just to give him a cookie!!!! She would NEVER have allowed that when we were little [hmmm] For me, I want him to eat properly and not fill up on junk, and that is important, so I pick that as one of my big battles. It is totally up to you how you decide to discipline your own children. And for what it's worth, I would have allowed him to wear his pretty dres too if he had wanted

Oh, and also, if you start with smacking or naughty stepping now, where do you turn when she actually does something really naughty?! Do what feels right for you :)

You can which ones are the toddlers that are smacked] in my experience they are more likely to smack others.

I'm not totally against smacking I just don't think my toddler would get the rationale behind it and is too little.

You've probably noticed you get lots of well meaning advise. Yesterday at work, a lady who is trying to conceive gave me a 5 min speech about not rocking babies to sleep as you'll get in the habit of it. Cheers for that .. He's umm 20 months now...

Keep persisting with the "no hitting mummy" it will sink in. But then again you are the expert on your child

I think it's important that as part of their learning independence they help to choose what they wear, so I think that she knows what she wants to wear is a good thing!! It sounds like the discipline you are already trying with her is just right. I think you do need to pick your battles and stop the things that might hurt them, you, others, putting themselves in dangerous positions, and deliberate disobedience (like throwing food on the floor). But otherwise you need to also let them have freedom and explore for themselves. Why not let her choose what she wants to wear?
jenrendo would have done the same as you :)

Aw she sounds gorgeous! My DD is 16mo too and like I did with DS I pretty much let her do whatever she decides unless it's frankly dangerous or she's being violent towards others (she has started biting her brother when he annoys her and I do pretty much what you do in response) but keep the 'bad' choices like the biscuits or stuff I don't want her to touch or choose out of sight. It's such a cute age and nothing they do is naughty or malicious. I got stricter with DS only when I knew he understood stuff a bit better. It sounds like you're doing fabulously, please ignore them. They also sound like they would do a terrible job in your position!!

I agree with ipanicked.

Your daughter is still very young and I would not use a naughty step on a child that age. We managed without it until about 3+ y. And I would never smack a child . That's a horrible thing to suggest! But I would definitely assert authority too since you are the parent . I see a lot of very permissive parenting today and kids behaving like little tyrants . I've been quite firm with DS but definitely picked my battles and let him have a lot of freedom in his everyday day life to make little choices . When it comes to what I say goes thought... At that age I didn't do so much punishing as avoiding certain problematic situations and distracting him . No hitting, biting etc definitely from the get go , always told him no about those even when very little. And good manners, sharing etc. You are the mother of our child and you decide how to raise her so never mind what other people say ...

Sounds fine to me. Pick your battles, that one was certainly not worth fighting. DS2 asks for 'cake' every morning. He is 2.1 and if I am rushing or tired he can have 'cake' which is a mini roll! I would never have done this with DS1, but have learned what is worth sweating over and what isn't

How to Talk so Kids Listen is a fab fab fab book for avoiding "conventional" discipline. 16 mo is probably a bit young for her to really get it, but it means you can get in lots of practice now :)

Marking my place for when I have a similar "discussion" with 13month old DD.

She has started pinching me and I do what you do. Hasn't worked yet though, but I am sure it will in time. Not really much else you can do though.

Only other two things I do are, no sprinkling water from cup on ground (gets taken away) and food that is dropped on purpose doesn't get picked up either.

Yes, those are my other two definite 'no' things as well. Basically, I am going with no means no and therefore am careful to only say it when it is important. Otherwise I let her get on with her day or distract her etc. I will definitely have a look at that book, thank you.