can't sleep as replaying yest events with 19 month Ds

[bbface]

I feel sick with myself..

Yesterday we were outside enjoying the beautiful weather. DS was in his trike andi was pushing. When he has been on it for some time, he tends to try to wriggle out. Unfortunately we were by a busy road and i was in a rush to get home and start on dinner. Once he understood that I was not goingto get him out, he took his feet off the pedals so they were dragging on the floor. I had only recently bought him expensive clarks leather shoes, so after repeatedly saying 'feet up please', I took his shoes off as i thought tit would be so uncomfortable, he woukd want to put his feet in the pedals. Nope, he just dragged his sock covered feet on the ground.

I got so frustrated with him, I ended up smacking his lower leg twice. Not particularly hard, but there was certainly low level force.

I never thought I would smack, but here I am smacking, and my ds is not even 2. He cried, not from pain (although it wasn't a light tap) more from shock.

I am lying here thinking about my DDDS and what a shit mother i am to have lost control. If I am brutally honest, I do not think think it will be the last time i smack, but I am sickenedbwith myself for smacking for such a slight misdemeanor.

Not sure why writkng here. I guess because I genuinely hope others will be harsh with me, explakn that they would never in million years behave as i did and kick me basically. I never see mothers lose it with their children, whereas my toddler DS brings me to the edge about twenty times a day!

I think you are being quite hard enough on yourself, so I don't think you need it from me too

I have a 3YO DS and a 2YO DD and the two of them often have me permanantly at the edge, so to speak

I have smacked both of my children at times. I have never been proud of 'losing it' with them, but sometimes it just happens. For me, DS has some SN and getting his attention / getting him to stop doing something he wants to do can be VERY difficult and I have resorted to smacking when he is about to cross a road (for example) and I need to stop him NOW.

BUT, IMHO, Smacking is not a good coping strategy. Thinking about my DS, if I smack as a method of control, what will happen when he is in school and the teachers CANNOT smack him? He (and I) need to learn how to behave without resorting to smacking (Plus, I have also learned that smacking my DS has simply meant he feels it's acceptable to smack others if they aren't doing what he wants!)

So... don't feel bad about it. It's done, but Learn from it. What can you do differently next time?

I think the pure fact that you are so stressed by this incident means that you have realised it was not the best way to handle the situation. I have a 2 and a half yr old ds who is lovely at times and a horror at others! A typical 2 yr old in my experience.

I used to find myself losing my patience with him but quickly identified that this did nothing to help his behaviour. I now have to think to myself, is what he is doing really a problem or is it because I am tired/frustrated etc?

I also keep instructions clear. Too much talking just confuses him. I ask him to do something maybe 2 or 3 times then I give a 'last chance' which actually has turned into 1,2,3 since he understands numbers. Then it's straight to timeout, even if it is at the side of the road! Ds doesn't like timeout at all so usually a warning of last chance or it's timeout is enough to stop the behaviour.

Toddlers can be very trying on your patience and now ds has an answer for everything I have to keep reminding myself not to get into an argument with him!

It is all a learning curve and it sounds like you learnt how you don't want to handle the situation yesterday and ultimately it has given you the opportunity to reevaluate your parenting...never a bad thing as toddlers will push and push the boundaries before you realise it. Can totally recommend the toddler taming book as it helps you to understand what is completely normal toddler behaviour and how to handle it.

Ok, honestly, I think you were wrong and I was sad that your OP acknowledged that you might smack again. He's only little. There's your telling off.

I have a 2.6 year old and boy he tests my patience. I've thought to myself I can imagine why people smack but I know it's pointless. I saw a tv show where parents had sticks for hitting their kids - kept all over the house and in the car. and they were Christians

Ok - now you have to try and come up with coping strategies for when you see red. For me - I have to actively think to myself "I'm tired (I have a baby too), what am I trying to achieve here" and go for the minimum. So if I want ds to come home, I'll try and turn it into a positive request. Eg "DS can you peddle really quickly/legs in the air?!" (although in your case your little one was probably tired hence dragging and I'm sure his understanding is pretty basic). Or I bribe with snacks then stick in the pushchair.

I don't like shouty slappy mums and really try and avoid it myself. My (single) mum had three of us under 3 at one point - I don't remember her shouting much or hitting which amazes me as she has depression (although not until we were older), so I know it's doable.

You can read books on playful parenting which sound like hippy tosh but actually some of the strategies work and you feel much better for it. It doesn't mean you let your child get away with murder.

I do feel for you - try and keep this incident in mind and try and anticipate flare ups. Give yourself time to get your dc to do something, plan ahead and leave the trike at home

I do think Iggly's point is very relevant: Plan ahead!!

My DH is always amazed at my preparation for a day out, but I know that the more organised / planned I am when I leave the house, the better the outing will go.

Thank you for replies, a really good balance and def given me food for thought.

No one 'likes' shouty slappy mums, and no one aspires to be one. I most certainly do not aspire to be one and, generally speaking, i do not think i am. I said that I do not think it will be the last time i smack because i decided that if i was going to get something from posting on mumsnet, I needed to be be completely honest. I was smacked as a child, infrequently but i thinhat as fa very last resort, it can be appropriate. why i feel so sick with myaelf is becauae smacjijg in this occasion was xonoletelt and utterly.inappropriate. ky daeking boy was being silly, not naughty and far far from deserving of a smack

Thank you for replies, a really good balance and def given me food for thought.

No one 'likes' shouty slappy mums, and no one aspires to be one. I most certainly do not aspire to be one and, generally speaking, i do not think i am. I said that I do not think it will be the last time i smack because i decided that if i was going to get something from posting on mumsnet, I needed to be be completely honest. I was smacked as a child, infrequently but i think that as a last resort, it can be appropriate. Why i feel so sick with myself is because smacking on this occasion was completely and utterly inappropriate. My darling boy was being silly, not naughty and far far from deserving of a smack.

I am going to buy to buy the toddler taming book you mention, as i would like to learn more about this phase. So much fun on the one hand, bloody hard work on the other hand.

Now all i want is ds to wake up so i can shower him in kisses and cuddle. I am feeling a primeval urge to be with my boy.and tell him i am sorry, even though he won't have the faintest idea what mama is going on about!

No one aspires to shout / smack the very people they love most in the world.

But, sometimes life doesn't work out of the way we'd imagined. I spend a good proportion of my day shouting / speaking strictly to my DS. As I mentioned he has some SN and if I didn't helicopter him CONSTANTLY, life would be impossible (and he would a danger to himself and to others). I'm sure mothers of different children struggle to understand why I feel the need to shout so much, but that's just the way it is. They are mothers to different children and have different situations to deal with.

I get lots of looks because my 3YO DS still needs to wear reins, whereas my 2YO DD does not. I have (and I'm not desperately proud of this either) lost it with strangers who've felt compelled to ask why I rein my DS. BECAUSE HE IS NOT FLIPPING SAFE IN PUBLIC AND WILL WALK IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC.

I appreciate that's not relevant for you and the reason you feel bad is because you smacked because YOU were stressed, not really about your son's behaviour. But, you have pulled yourself up on your reaction and will work to ensure it doesn't happen again.