toddler tantrums and living in a difficult situation - what to do?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

my ds has just turned 2, and has thoroughly read the secret handbook of toddlerdom they get issued with on their 2nd birthday... and has transformed into a ball of frustration and tantrums overnight.

matters made much worse by the difficult situation we are living in, which means i don't know what to do about his tantrums, and to feel that the way we have to live is creating the tantrums in the first place.

he's had a really unsettled few months, as I am very ill, and most of the time he spends with me is in bed, and am not able to be the active playful parent i am inside my head. He's had a lot of people looking after him (his dad moved out), and a whirlwind of different council carers in and out of the house (carers for me, not him). and although i've tried to keep it as steady as possible, life has not been the best for him.

up until now, he's dealt with it by being very close to me, and its been him and me as a unit coping together (well, me being his rock to help him cope) with the different people coming through the door...

and now the dynamic has completely changed, and whilst i know tantrums are normal, we are not in a normal situation so not sure what strategies to adopt... would never have been a time out/ punishment type of person anyway, am more on the attachment style of parenting... but how can i do attachment parenting when he has dis-attached himself?

He has started screaming like a train whistle to get what he wants, or to express his anger at me for not doing everything he wants, and actively seeks me out to slap me, and in his anger plucks at his own chest and it looks like he just cant deal with the big emotions inside him :-(

his nursery/ childminders keep saying what a delight he is, and how good natured he is, and i feel like i am failing him as he is so angry with me all the time and i don't know how to resolve it.

I cant move physically quickly to either catch him when he runs off (unsafely), or remove myself from his reach (when he slaps me), or pick him up and remove him from the situation.

Poor you and him :(

What has changed?

You really need to label his emotions and show him you understand. He's taking it all out on you/when you're around because you're his mum and he doesn't feel safe doing it at nursery.

So when I had dd and ds had just turned 2, he got more tnatrummy. So I would get down to his level and give him hugs if he'd let me. Or I'd say loudly (if he's shouting), "DS is sad/angry/upset" in a voice similar to his so he knew I understood. Then give a cuddle and once calm, I'd simple explain if he could/couldn't have something. I had to really over compensate and give loads of physical attention (still not through it yet as dd is 3 months).

Can you do practical things like use reins/backpack with strap when out?

With hitting, a firm no hitting and stern eye contact is what I do. Then say it hurts mummy. Put feeling in your voice when he does it.

Have you got the option of regular routines for when he is with you? Eg bedtime and getting ready in the morning? Can you do the same things together so he has stability? Can he switch to childminder only so thats fairly stable too?

Firstly, i think the tantrums are more to do with age than the fact that he's had an unsettled few months. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. Secondly, I don't believe he has 'de-attached' himself, i just think he is going through a difficult phase. And i think that if you stop trying to give him boundaries he's feel the changes even more keenly.

Imo he's too little for time outs anyway and if you're not in the frame of mind to carry them through it will only end up stressing you both out further. However, i do think he still needs to know it's wrong to hit etc and would encourage you to adopt the same strategies you would in a normal situation. It doesn't have to be particularly 'heavy' tactics.

You don't say whether or not you have any family nearby to help you. I think you would both benefit from someone close providing some consistency during this time.

I really hope your situation improves soon. Good luck
x

I had the same situation with DD (now 2.7 years old) when she turned 2. I also separated from her dad and moved out from the family house. I has been a few hard months re tantrums but as matana says I think it is more to do with age than anything else. Each child is different and while I have a friend that his son never had a tantrum, and believe me NEVER, her daughter is having all of them!!!!

I have never used time out either as I don't believe. Have you read "inconditional parenting" or playful parenting"? I have found both of them had very good ideas of how to deal with this type of situations.

DD never let me hug her while she was having a tantrum but just by being at her side she would eventualy calm down. Some times it took longer than others but my presence helped her lots.

It is also important that you keep boundaries as if they suddenly dissapear your son won't understand why beforehe couldn't do x and now yes.

As matana has said could you get some helpfrom friends/family...?

Hope this get better soon and be patient

is your illness longterm? Very hard to parent when you are ill and I would focus on your health and the support around you.