Unconditional parenting help - DD 3.5 pushing DS

[TheHonMrsP]

We try and follow an unconditional parenting philosophy with DD (3.5) so we don't really do rewards/punishments/stickers/naughty step. DS is just getting mobile and starting to touch her toys.

She is generally really sweet with him, except when he touches these few particular toys when she will push him over. Even when we are right there saying 'don't push him' she will still do it.

We are at a bit of a loss what to do. We have tried discussing how we are very cross and how DS is hurt and asking how she would feel if that was her. And she will say 'sad' and apologise and say she won't do it again, but then does. I know she is only 3.5.

What can we do?? I am at a loss. DH is threatening to take the toys away, but this doesn't sit well with me.

We can remove DS but we have a very small living room and he is very determined and crawls back within seconds.

Any ideas?

We have the same issue here these days (DD 2.9yo and DS 7mths), and also follow the UP approach, or at least we're in the continuous learning process!

What has started to help us is asking her to bring some alternative toy to DS when she wants to play with a specific toy he's touching (while telling her we understand she really likes those toys and how hard it can be sometimes to share something you want to play with at that time, but that if both share then they're both happy playing with toys, etc)

She has, as your DD, a few toys she really loves, so if DS goes for those ones and she is about to snatch them off him we step in and ask her to bring something else for him, and miraculously she does. It also tends to diffuse the tension and she then finds it easier to take turns with him and lend him some of those.

Do you think this is something that could work with her?

Hope this helps.

I will happily give anything ago - thanks for the reply!

It sounds like you've done well with empathising and helping her do that, but she still doesn't have an alternative coping strategy for when DS takes her toys. I'm guessing that, although she knows it will make him sad, the thought of him touching her toys is worse than the thought of him being sad, and so she's employing the only method she knows how in order to stop this from happening. Kind of like how you would take a dangerous/expensive item away from him, even if it made him sad, because the alternative of him hurting himself or breaking the item is worse than him being sad.

So, you need to show her some way of keeping her toys safe which is acceptable to you and doesn't hurt her brother. Obviously just asking is out, because he's too young to understand.

I think Gauchita's idea is a good one, or perhaps you could think of something else along these lines - for example, could you get her to designate "shared" toys and her own special toys, and keep the special toys somewhere he can't reach them? Then she would have to get them out specifically and you could distract him somewhere else. (This might also help her remember to tidy up! Wishful thinking? )

Thanks BertieBotts. We had a chat at bed time about how she could put them on the table where he can't reach them, so we can try this as well.

I won't hold my breath on the tidying up...

I'm a big fan of the bedtime chat :)

At this age, as BertieBotts said, it's hard for them to grasp these concepts so we find we have to be patient and consistent for it to work, as she forgets about our deal sometimes

BBotts, having read a few UP threads here to get suggestions and ideas, may I say I've found your advice (to others, I mean) very useful, so thank you

Thank you Gauchita :)