Second child indecision

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Have one DC who is 2; a really lovely child who was a really lovely baby and the three of us (DH, DC and I) are very happy together. However, all our friends have had/are pregnant with/trying for their second child. I have always imagined a family of 2 DCs and DH would also ideally like 2 but equally, neither of us would regret stopping with what we're lucky enough to already have.

Money is tight and would be considerably tighter with 2, we have no family nearby so childcare is expensive and support is difficult, I am still working on rebuilding my career after taking a long maternity leave with DC1 and part of us thinks we'd never get as lucky a second time/why try to fix what's not broken/why rock the boat when we're all so happy, while another part thinks DC1 might like a sibling/would benefit from a sibling when they are older/can't untangle my ideal of a 2+2 family/don't want to be "left out" when all our friends are going on to have another 1 or 2 kids.

I realize some of these are trite reasons. I am totally paralyzed by indecision. We keep changing our minds and the lack of a final decision is driving me mad. We keep talking about it and not arriving at any outcome or just changing our minds constantly. Doing a bloody spreadsheet about it didn't help. I'm serious. An actual excel sheet on projected financial impact. Christ.

Can anyone help me move us toward a decision? What pushed you one way or another?

It may sound silly, but what pushed me was imagining our home in the future, and the "busyness" level of two children feels ideal. I suspect it would be a bit quiet with just one... Also I loved having a sibling, and dh & I both imagined having two.

I know a couple who have been back and forth over this for a few years, putting quite a strain on her marriage. Hope you're able to decide one way or the other soon. Best of luck

I was 50:50 on having another but am now pregnant. Our DD (19mos) was a lovely baby and I think we will be exceptionally lucky to get such a good sleeper/even temper again. We are also skint in a small 2 bed although I'm a SAHM. We figured we may aswell have another as I've decided I'm not working until DD is 3 and in funded nursery.

I think the big pluses will come when the DC are older. They will play together. This is a biggie for me as my DD plays with me 24/7 even though we do zillions of playgroups and activities. The other thing is when you are older it will be lovely to have children around you. Say when you're 60 or so. Also it is nicer for DC to have someone to play with, especially if you're in the sort of place where neighbours don't mix like they used to.

To be honest though I don't know why people have 2. Maybe if mums are back at work they want the time off? No one is better financially with 2. And hardly anyone I know is set for life in their forever home.

Will be interested to hear others opinions...

If you're a crap parent at least they've got someone else who was in the same boat. But then you've inflicted crap parentness on twice as many people...

OK, so looking from this from the other end of things, my two are now 13.5 and 15.5. The time has simply galloped away, but now more than ever they're both off doing lots of things with friends, school stuff and so on and the house feels empty already a fair bit of the time. Won't be long before they head off to university either. And that's with 2.
We sort of wondered about having a third, but got stuck with the wondering. Kept thinking we'd wait until things calmed down a bit (when they were 1 and 3, then 2 and 4) but once they had, we didn't want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights etc..
So we got a dog!!

Oh, and sil has just one (sadly lost two) and has always liked him to mix with mine a lot to experience the sibling squabbling rough and tumble he tends not to get at home. And she has had to spend much more time "entertaining" him and organising his social life.

If your DC is only 2 is there a big hurry to have a second? If age is an issue then I appreciate you need to make a decision, but if you can't decide then perhaps the right thing to do is just live with things as they are for a while and see how you feel further down the line. I know it's easy to feel that the pressure is on once your friends start having #2, but a bigger gap can make things much easier. There's no rule that says you have to two ...

Ultimately I didn't want DD to be an only child. I don't think there's anything wrong with being an only child but I do think that it's nice to have a sibling to fight with, and for someone to be around long after DH and I have carked it. I was adamant I didn't want another after DD's birth, but in the end, I figured that any further damage could be fixed up or repaired later, and I didn't want to regret the child I didn't have IYSWIM?

DC2 is due...well, pretty much any day now I suppose (38+6). The only thing I am a bit :( about now is that these are the last few days of it being just me and DD (with DH at work all day) and we'll never get time like this together again. But then it's going to be even more fabulous once there are TWO of them :)

Give yourself time. Your DC1 is only 2, you have plenty of time ahead (there are 5 yrs between me and my db for instance).

Money being tight and trying to rebuild a career seem like valid reasons to take a bit of time to really think about what you and your dh want.

At the end of the day, imho, you have a second child only if you want another child to parent, not because a first child needs a companion.

Thanks - really nice to hear so many different takes on it. Good point juneau re time pressure; am 32 so not in a terrible rush and could theoretically wait a bit longer but we do seem to get sucked into the baby-whirl with our friends. Really do want someone else for DS when DH and I "cark it" ;-) as Flisspaps says and also want him to be able to have that shared experience of childhood with someone else (even if as fotheringhay points out, it is ultimately crap and they then spend all their time complaining about what rubbish parents we were and going halves on regression therapy!).

It's the bloody indecision that's driving me nuts - it's getting to the point that every time we have some quality time (nudge nudge), there's a whole pre-event soulsearch on whether or not we should go with god or go get a condom. Not sexy at all. Can really see how it could ultimately put strain on a marriage.

It's a minefield. Almost 75% convinced but worried we may regret it and then there's no admitting it :-(

On another unsexy note, how do I justify the financial aspect of it. Would the shot at a childhood filled with "naice" things and centerparcs holidays make up for not having a sibling? Or would the squabbling and 'siblingness' of it make up for the lack of spare cash and hand-me-downs. Is there some sort of Asda price match I can fall back on?!?

We were in two minds about this - or rather the timing more than anything. I am in a similar situation to you in one sense as I am still building my career. In fact we both are! Practically speaking it didn't really seem like the best time BUT I had an 8 year gap between my brother and I and for me personally I didn't want a repeat of that. So we went for a smaller gap. I am due DC2 in Sept (DS will be nearly 3). For us it happened immediately (whereas we tried for DS for a while) so it went from 'yes, let's have a baby' to 'we're having a baby' in 2 weeks!

I am v happy to be pregnant, and that is the most important thing to me at this moment - you can draw up spreadsheets galore but maybe it's worth asking how would you feel if you were pregnant again? And when the baby came? Obviously there are mixed emotions whatever happens but this might help you to untangle from all of the rational pros and cons. They are obviously v important but sometimes we just have to go with our gut on these matters.

If you still can't decide, and would be happy with a bigger gap (and many families are) then maybe just leave it for a bit?

Sorry x post OP!

Very true violacrayola - actually, last month I thought I might be pregnant and took a test. When it was negative I was a bit gutted. Which is more telling than any spreadsheet, I guess....

I agree with Viola.

As I said, I can totally empathise with the worry of money being tight, but it is all relative, isn't it.

If you dont fee that burning desire to have another baby, why do it?

we did the same as clam. I had two under two and said when the youngest was 2 I would have another, but when he was 11 months old we got a dog instead :o I got the oldest two off to school, life was getting easier and out of the blue I found out I was pregnant It was a wild christmas mind, and the youngest was certainly meant to be here and we wouldn't be without him. I do realise this isn't what you asked though! But i am very much a 'what will be, will be' kind of person

Exactly Lucy. If you want one, have one. If you don't want to parent a second child, don't.
You are only 32, you have plenty of time to change your mind if you don't feel ready for a second now!

We toyed with the idea of having a third baby. Oh, even now I'd love to give birth again, and to care for a little baby. But deep inside, I know we don't want to parent another child.

I'm in the same position as you OP. We are desperate for a second. DS will be 3 next month and I can't believe i've not had another yet.

We are emigrating in 2 yrs time to OH country and i really want to have the next one here. So i am working day/night shifts to save every penny i can.

It was so much easier deciding to have DS!

It's a really tough decision. We decided that it would be nice for dd to have a sibling, both in childhood and later in life (once we are gone). We also came to the decision that I think children don't mind being poor as long as they have love and attention.

In the end we went for a second and it was twins. It's lovely but financially really hard. 32-35 is apparently the prime age for twins , just warning you!

I think if/when you want to have another baby, you will just know it. And at that point, you won't need a spreadsheet anymore :)

DP and I always said we'll have 2 but after DS, I just couldn't contemplate going through any of that again, and I'm afraid 3.6 years later, I still feel quite strongly that I don't want another child. Sometimes it feels unnatural and :( but I know how I feel....

You've got a bit of time, so why not "decide" to wait and see how you feel? :)

We could certainly wait until DS1 is at school. However, my employment situation is bit odd; am self employed and have just won a relatively longterm consultancy contract working 2-days per week for the next 1.5 yrs, which would offer us much needed financial stability were I to have a baby in that time. DS1 would then almost be ready for school.

Saving money where we can at the moment too, sucks2bme so hopefully can build up a buffer while we faff about debating the pros and cons.

I am still having doubts so not totally filled with that "burning desire" to parent another child yet but am definitely feeling it more than I was. I know it's always a difficult decision: when/if to have another child and that there's not likely to be a bolt out of the blue with a sign, but hearing how others arrive at the decision to go ahead or not is really helping!

Sorry, cross post with brian and chesticles; really hope that once I know, I'll know, if you see what I mean! You may have guessed, but I have a tendency to overanalyse! :-) re twins; my mother triumphantly announced last night on the phone during when I mentioned we were struggling with a decision on whether or not to try again: "twins run in your father's side you know and they skip a generation" so that could add a fun twist ;)

Hi, I can relate to how you feel. I couldn't decide whether or not to go for a second child, I didn't feel the burning desire either even though I was facing 40! I'm sure DD1 would have been perfectly happy as an only child but what swayed me was her having someone else to rely on when we are gone, as I did with my brothers when our mother died. Also, I imagine them having fun together on holidays and at Christmas, hopefully they'll get on well. DD2 is 9 months old now.

Do twins skip a generation? You sure about that?

Re twins skipping a generation: On reflection, I am definitely not sure about that. It did, after all, come from my mother who once also "reliably" informed me that shaving legs/underarms would encourage the hairs to resurface on my face and give me a ladybeard. Make of that what you will...

I thought twins were either random or a maternal, mum, her mum, her mum, type scenario.