I feel I have totally messed up being a parenting in just about every way possible

[lecce]

I am feeling so low about this at the moment - it just seems like every day something else happens to make me feel that Dh and I are making a mess of bringing up our dses (5 and 2.6).

Here are the problems I see:

Ds1:

• Was recently measured and weighed and is just into the overweight category (I had a huge and helpful thread about this on AIBU). The tips they sent were not very helpful as all the advice we already do. As a result of the thread we have made some minor adjustments to his diet but I feel huge guilt over this - I thought he had an excellent diet.

• Today dentist has seen a spot on one of his teeth. This, together with the above, means that people will probably not believe me when I say I NEVER buy sweets( though he has them at school sometimes ), very rarely buy chocolate and he only drinks water and milk, with the odd carton maybe once a month. He used to eat a fair amount of raisins but have stopped buying them over the last year as ds2 not keen on them. I know fruit can be bad for teeth so maybe that's it as he does eat a lot of it. Again, I feel huge guilt over this.

• He has few friends and over the last few weeks keeps saying he has no one to play with at school. At first he seemed quite blase about it but tonight actually sounded upset. Dh (sahd- does the school-run every day) refuses to admit there is any problem and won't speak to the teacher. We did have a recent parents' evening and asked her about his social life there and she sounded vague to me but dh found her reassuring. Again, I feel guilt because I struggled with friendships throughout school right until I got to college, so I feel he has got this from me.

• He's not doing that well academically either and his writing is very weak indeed and his reading seems to be progressing very slowly as well. I feel he is an intelligent boy (I know, pfb) but it seems this is not coming through at school and I feel he is not getting much attention in the class since there are quite a few loud and naughty children who dominate the teacher's attention - though I admit I don't know this for a fact.

DS2-

-Sleeps really badly and wakes anything from 2-6/8 times a night, often screaming loudly. I feel so angry with him at these times (though I hide it of course)and I don't know what we have done wrong for him to be like this - ds1 slept through from the age of 2.

General:

• I work ful-time and feel tired and as if I don't do enough/enjoy my dc enough in the little time I have with them.

• Dh and I seem to be bickering all the time. Often we start discussing something and then ds2 will start screaming and it all goes downhill from there. He has MS, though is well at the moment and has no symptoms at all, so that is a constant worry.

• I would love to move to a better area but not at all sure that we can afford to do so. If we do it will probably eat into our income so much that we will have very little left over for extras so must balance the dc's education with the quality of experiences we would be able to offer in their free-time. (I do realise that financially we are lucky compared to some others.)

I'm sorry for such a self-indulgent rant but if I had off-loaded this onto dh it would have ended in a row as he feels I am ridiculously negative and that things are, basically, fine. I know these problems are trivial compared to situations others are in but at the moment it seems that which ever way I look, stuff is going wrong. Thanks for reading.

ffs, I have even messed up my thread title .

Hello have a glass of and breathe!!!

You sound like a very lovely normal mum who has all the normal concerns about her children plus working f/t and getting broken sleep every night!!!

What do you do when the little one wakes up at night? It would probably help you and dh if you can really find a way of improving on this issue - you both must be knackered!!!

Hi Lecce,

So sorry to hear you feel like this. I don't have any advice but after reading your post I didn't want to leave without saying anything. I also feel like this sometimes and probably all parents do every now and then. Probably it is because we always want to do better and we are too critical with ourselves at some point.

Just think on the love your DC have for you and you will realise that you have not mess up their lives as you think. Although at some point in their teen years they will make us feel like we are/have been terrible parents .

I am sure someone with better advice will come soon to help you.

Oh, you sound absolutely exhausted, and no wonder if you are working full time and up half the night with your DS2.

You have to let go of the guilt. You are not responsible for the spot on the teeth (what do you mean - he needs a filling) or for this weight, if you really are careful with his diet. I think I remember your thread about his weight, and that he ate healthily.

He may well have a massive growth spurt sometime soon and the weight will level out. And if not, then you are working on it.

I would say that you need to sort out your non-sleeping DS2 first, because if you are all getting a good nights sleep, the rest will not seem so hard. You have not done anything wrong.

My DD slept through from about 14 weeks. DS not until I did CC with him at 2.5yo and even now gets up at least once a night. I didn't do anything different with DS, it is just the way he is.

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I think being tired is making everything seem worse. It is only 8 weeks ago that he was spending all night on me bf so he has come a long way to be spending the night in his own room. It's so hard because up until a week ago he was improving steadily and only waking a couple of times and then only needing brief attention. It is over the last week that he has suddenly got so much worse again (no idea why) and in a way it is harder to accept because we thought he had turned a corner.

No, ds doesn't need a filling. The dentist just said to brush more carefully in that area and she only wants to see him in 6 months as usual - so not that bad I suppose but still makes me feel like a failure . I do need to get a grip.

He might be going down with an illness and that's why he is suddenly unsettled? You'll know in a few days time. It sounds as if you are doing fine in general.

I think you are just v v tired.

Hi
I know all about the guilt you feel working full time & trying to be the perfect mum you think you should be it's blinking tough both mentally & physically but keeping the money coming in & getting job satisfaction are equally important. Don't be too hard on yourself with this.

Could DS2 still be adjusting to his own room & a new routine? Perhaps it's a bit of separation anxiety? He spent most of his night for months & months with you and now he's in his own room...I'm sure he'll settle into a new routine once he knows this is a permanent change.

DS1 sounds just like lots of other boys I know (including my 9 year old) and BMI is a terrible measure of weight as it doesn't take into account body type/build or muscle mass. If he eats healthily, has plenty of energy etc let him be. His next growth spurt will make him leaner.

Good luck & keep smiling

Right,

You said your DS1 is in the 'overweight' range meaning it could quite easily be his build or just muscle mass like other poster said - having a spot on his teeth at 5 and needing to brush more carefully at 5 is normal as know plenty of kids this has applied to - they are beginning to brush their own teeth and miss bits sometimes.

Your DS2 has been going through alot of changes and is just different to your first child.

Give yourself a break - working f/t with two children is tough!

What stands out to me from your post are your concerns regarding DS1's education and socialising - is there another school you could consider? or going p/t and home educate (and give yourself more time with dcs in process possibly then not taking such financial hit) or changing schools allowing you to move to nicer area like you said?

Just food for thought - take care of yourself and you really don't sound like you're messing up you sound like you're exhausted.

Aww Lecce please give yourself a break, you are one very tired and most likely very good mum. Things will improve I'm sure, you are focusing on the negatives which is normal...I do it all the time!

I can maybe help a bit with the spot on the tooth, my DS had something similar at a check up and then at the next check up it wasn't mentioned. You sound like you are doing the right things. My DC would brush for 10 seconds if I let them so now they have one of those 2min timers from the dentist.

My DD had and still has a similar problem with the friends situation. Basically has hardly ever made a proper friend at school and doesn't play with other girls, just boys and no one ever comes home to play. This said, she does seem to play well in general, just no one special. Do you actually drop off at school at all, do you get chance to speak to the teacher on the door? Probably best not to make an issue out of it with your DS as they might sometimes play on it to get attention. Be concerned but don't show it too much is what I mean.

Hope you get more sleep soon and feel better about things. I'm sure a lot of us have similar worries but that doesn't always make it any easier i know. Take care.

Oh I am so pleased to read about someone else's child who wakes a lot and screams loudly. Not just mine then.

It is so so knackering and frustrating, it can't help but cloud your life.

The sleep - likely that this is at the root of much of your sadness. Bloody hard to stay positive when you are permanently busy and exhausted.

Do you & dh share the sleep deprivation? Can you get turns at having unbroken nights?

The weight issue - you are doing everything right, now you just need to drop the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you are a parent doing her utmost to care for her children. What more can you possibly do?

The teeth - He doesn't need a filling, great. Did they mention anything about the enamel? Sometimes children's first set of teeth is low on enamel (apparently? I was told mine was one) and they can decay v. easily.

Schooling & socialising - could you ask the school for some advice? Or work on it a little by organising playdates with a couple of children he likes? Or a regular activity with one of his friends?

It seems to me that once they feel happy and settled (friendships), the learning takes off.

You & dh - do be kind to each other, young children are very demanding and put the strongest relationships to the test. Remind yourselves and each other that these days of sleep deprivation will pass and that when you are both getting more rest, it is likely you will feel a lot less stressed.

Heavens, you are doing so much! You sound like a lovely, caring mum and I think you deserve to feel pride for all your amazing achievements - working and raising children is huge.