I am depressed about ds having nobody to hang about with

[ravenheart]

I don,t understand how children these days seem to have so many buddies to call for have people to knock around with it seems to come naturally to other peoples children.
Everywhere I look there are boys about my ds;s age even younger playing over the park, riding their bikes, kicking a ball around and ds has no one.
He is 11 not the most confident of children a bit shy.
He does have friends at school I invite them round although know that ds is now probably too old for mom to arrange friends over now, its also very wearing as there are hardly any invites back and some people don,t seem that fussed.
The light nights are making me feel worse about this as of course you see more and more children out and about and I wonder why ds is not one of them.
I have asked ds how he feels about it he said although it would be nice to have someone to play with it doesn,t bother him too much.
However I am hating seeing him sitting at home on his own playing on his xbox, watching telly etc when he should be out with kids his own age.
I have tried to push him out on his bike in the hope he will strike up a friendship but he never wants to go.
The trouble is that although I know there are children in our street they seem to stick in the one area or in their own back garden or they play with children from neighbouring streets.
On the odd occasion he has got to know anyone they don,t call back for him or anything and he doesn,t call for them.
Please don,t suggest clubs they have never worked out.

It's a funny age, 11 - right on the brink of when you organise their social lives for them, and when they do it themselves. Maybe he's falling a bit between the two right now?

Does he have a mobile phone? My DS is 12 and when he started secondary school I made sure he had a phone and knew his number to help him make contacts with his friends. He's not too shy but pretty untogether at organising his social life. But he does now seem to have school friends back after school.

Is he an only child? Can make it tougher to just get out there and meet other kids. Are there any neighbours you could help him make contacts with? They might be playing in back gardens now, but be out and about more in a year or so.

The other thing you could do is get a bit tougher on the xbox, computer, etc - if he's shy then going out to meet people is always going to seem like hard work compared with computers which are a quick fix to not being bored. Would suggest having fixed days of the week when he's allowed computer, and other days when he's not. Boredom might eventually lead to a bit more effort into making contacts.

Oh poor luv, raven, don't worry too much, although saying that I have cried many evenings about the same thing, my ds is deaf and is schooled 20 miles away, so not many children over here know about him, and those that do don't understand him enough to make the effort to get to know him, he was also quite vulnerable because of his disabilities (which are quite complex). He is 14 now and yesterday asked if he could go out on his scooter, I said yes and worried for 2 whole hours until he came back, beetroot red and grinning from ear to ear. I know the situation is different, but I am sure your ds will go out and find friends when he is ready to, like mine did. My ds may not have made any lasting friendships from one football game, but it was a Start! Have not contacted the school? They may offer advice.

Ffs, have YOU contacted the school!

Not sure what the school could do he is generally okay in school its just at home.

I want him to go to a secondary school in walking distance from our house but he wants to go to one where all of his freinds from juniors are going.
I can,t see the situation improving I was hoping that going to a secondary school near home would open up some freindships close to home.

Mmm also a difficult decision, my ds school have been able to keep an eye on him there to make sure he has friends and help him with social skills, empathy, and talkin about his feelings of loneliness.

Hi it's hard isn't - my DS doesn't really have anyone to play with, I tend to end up going to the park with him or cycling with him - not ideal but at least it means we get out.

He's a bit ypounger than your DS, so still happy to be with his mum, but I can see when he's 11 he may not want me around either. When we are out, I rarely see oldr children out - just teenagers, so I wonder where they all are.

My DS started secondary school close to home in September, and it has been really good as he's made more local friends who he can see after school and make his own way to and from their houses. I was worried about him starting not knowing anyone, but he made new friends very quickly and was OK about it all. In our case their was no decision to make really as the school his primary friends all went to was over-subscribed so I knew he wouldn't get in there (we'd moved house during primary school, but I left him at the same school) Guess ideally you'd want to have your DS on board with a decision to go to a school away from his friends, if it is possible for him to stay with them at a different school.

There is a huge difference between now and just a year ago though in terms of how much independence he and most of his friends get. A year ago I was still running him round to friends houses, but now they're all making their own way about a lot more. So regardless of which school he goes to it may start to change - could he cycle or catch a bus to the school that his friends go to?

Oh Ravenheart I really do feel for you. Is DS an only child, it looked that way from your post.

It is difficult and I worry constantly about my DS,12 and DD, 10 who, a lot of the time only have each other to play with. Their situations are very similar to your DS re school and home but I have given up trying to organise their social lives as I could see I wasn't getting anywhere and decided I had to let them sort things out for themselves. We live in an area of mainly elderly people who have very few grandchildren to visit. I know children live in the vicinity because I hear them and see them going to and from school but they don't seem to play outside or maybe just stick to their gardens. It is much harder for children these days to just be playing outside and bump into someone to make friends with. I too get sick of mine being stuck on the WII or DS (as in the game!) although I do limit time on it. I struggle to get them to ride their bikes too! I dread the school holidays because it sometimes feels like we live in a ghost town.

Some children do natuarally prefer their own company and they are not all sociable but I do know what you mean, just one or two playmates is not a lot to ask. If I were you I would limit the time on the Xbox and stuff, it's hard but that way he will have to find other things to do. Have the clubs you mentioned been your suggestion in the past or are they things DS wanted to do? My two tried various activities and now seemed to have found one they really enjoy which is karate. If you would like to say which region of the country you are in then maybe there is a way of us getting together, I've seen in mentioned on MN before but not sure exactly how it's done.