'Accept any offers of help from family and friends.' What if they don't offer?!

[singinintherain]

I have a 5 week old and a toddler. My family live 2 hours drive away, my husband's family about 4 hours away. I have mummy friends who are busy being mummies and non-mummy friends who are busy not doing mummy things. My parents both work still so aren't available in the week (and are busy doing other things at weekends) They have seen the new baby once since she was born. All the books say to accept help whenever it is offered; no one has offered me any! Where am I going wrong? I have told friends and family that I am finding things hard, but they just say, 'oh but it's worth it, isn't it' ....! Help! I have the 5 week old strapped to me as I am writing, she will not be put down or she screams, I could really do with some support (and so could my husband) Any ideas??

No advice as such but only to say stick at it. My, and my DH's family are the same, they've never looked after out DD and she's now 4 :) Once you get through this hard patch, you'll look back and be proud. Make the most of the weather and take them out for a stroll or a ride in the car, that always settled my DD down when she was having a screaming session.

Share the responsibilities with your DH, each take a few hours out now and again without the kids. It'll do you the world of good.

Where are you? Are you on MN local?

Ask for specific help and be assertive about it. 'I am finding things hard' is not a question. 'I'm finding things hard so will you take the toddler for the day parents?' is a question. In the case of friends who also have small children, 'I owe you one' is another good phrase.

You poor thing. The same thing happened to me and I resented it for ages and let it eat me up. In retrospect i wish I had just asked for specific things - ie you could ask a mum friend to have your toddler to play for an hour whilst you and the baby sleep, or you could ask a non mummy friend to play with the toddler etc - but the conclusion I sadly came to is that for some of us if you dont ask you dont get. The grandparents still dont help us by the way as one set lives abroad and the other says they have done their childrearing days. So ask ask ask! And be specific about what you are asking for...

No, I didn't get any offers of help either. Muddle through as best you can. You'll manage, and it will get better.

I would agree with being more specific about the help you need. Most people (including me) would not think to offer to look after your toddler but would actually quite happily do it for you if asked!

Do you have Homestart near you? Have a google and look.

Thanks for advice, we do need to have a bit of time off, both of us. I am on MN local, but feel a bit embarrassed at seeming needy and trying to act awake when all I want to do is sleep! I have tried to ask my dad directly about what he could do to help but he seems terrified at the responsibility which makes me nervous at leaving toddler with him for example.

Ask.

Honestly, it is hard, but you need to ask.

My DS2 is 5 weeks old and that is the biggest lesson I learnt last time round!

People are NOT psychic, so ask for very specific help. This also stops them worrying that they can't / don't know what to do in order to help.

Useful examples: "I'm so tired my eyes are about to fall out. Could you please wheel DD in her pram for half an hour whilst I rest / have a bath?"

"I'm finding it really hard to keep on top of things at home. Could you spare half an hour to help me sort out the kitchen / fifteen minutes to do the hoovering?"

Mummy friends have their own lives and demands but those of them who are out of the knackering newborn stage themselves will be sympathetic! They may not have the capacity to help with housework / babysitting but I found making regular plans to meet up for a walk / coffee (and later more adventurous things like swimming and soft play) so we are out of the house once a day is crucial.

Never underestimate how competent you look to an outsider. I lost track of the number of people who said stuff along the lines of "wow, you make it look so easy!" when I was struggling to cope with DS1. It took a while to realise that "making it look easy" is not much of an achievement! Once I started asking for help when I needed it, life actually felt a lot easier!

Remember that looking after a baby is a) hard work and b) not something we are designed to do single handed. Historically you would always have had a support network around you - it's much easier to become isolated these days though.

I know! I have fantasies about living in a commune and letting the toddler run wild with all the other kids and handing the baby to someone while I milk a cow...

X posted thanks to my essay.
Have you found the toddler & newborn support thread? I'll bump it for you now in case you haven't. There ate some great ideas from others who have already survived the worst of what we are going through now!

Could you stay with your parents for a bit? I stayed with in-laws for a week from time to time because we were in the same situation as you wrt to help. I did it when DH was away on business.

If you did it, your DH could catch up on sleep, laundry, housework, whatever needs doing and be in fine form to look after you upon your return. And you could get a break and your parents could get some extra time with their grandchildren.

My in laws are retired but even if they were working it would have been a help. Someone to get up with toddler and do breakfast, someone around in the evening cooking dinner for you and toddler while you deal with fractious baby, someone to bath baby while you have a quality bed time with baby. Someone to clear up the remains of the dinner while you get an early night or mn or whatever you need to relax.

When you tell family and friends how hard it is be specific. Tell them it is really hard getting to the shops so would they mind picking a few bits up for you when they go. Or ask them if they would mind taking ds to the park as dd is really grizzly and ds is missing out.

I didn't get loads of offers of help but that just makes you stronger and more self reliant which isn't a bad thing. Yes it is bloody tough when you have a newbie and a toddler, have done that twice now, the 2nd time with a teenager and a grumpy 11 year old. but it is doable.
If you have mother and toddler groups or Surestart centres nearby get in the habit of going so you have a reason to go out and do something. You feel ten times worse and more alone if you stay at home.

And this stage doesn't last forever, soon the newbie will be easier to fit around the toddlers and yours schedule and you will get more sleep

Yes, specific requests is what you need. If you don't have DCs, you have absolutely no idea what might be useful or possible. and if you don't have DCs, you feel very limited in the child-related help you can provide. So actually being asked to do something specific can be very nice.

I would consider asking non mummy friends to help. They may think they can't because they don't have experience BUT they are likely to be more willing and will see it as more of an adventure! You could ask them to take baby for walk or to take toddler out or whatever. I think people often feel they are intruding when someone has a new baby you need to make it clear that you are desperate. Say I really could do with some help can you...? I know that before I had my own dc I would have loved to be asked. They may need a bit of instruction / reassurance! but so what!

Some other practical suggestions to take off some of the pressure.

Depending on finances - could you get a cleaner, maybe just once a week for a month or two, one less thing for you to worry about?

Get your food shopping delivered.

How old is your toddler? Does he go to any pre-school/nursery yet, maybe find a childminder who could take him a couple of afternoons a week?

My DC2 is due in June and I am worried about juggling two kids, but my DD is older than a toddler and will be going to pre-school three days a week from Sept. We live abroad and have no help so this is going to be my life saver. It is a big extra expense for us but I see it as buying some sanity!

Would your parents come a stay with you for a weekend if you suggested it?

Never got any offers here either. DD is 11 months and has been babysat for 1 hour. That's it. We moved house without help, we both went back to work without help... Just left to muddle through! I've specifically asked but always got fobbed off in some way so now I just get on with it. You're not alone!

Never got any offers here either. DD is 11 months and has been babysat for 1 hour. That's it. We moved house without help, we both went back to work without help... Just left to muddle through! I've specifically asked but always got fobbed off in some way so now I just get on with it. You're not alone!

Sorry, no idea why that was posted twice!

I didn't get any help either. In fact my SiL 'popped over' with her 2 ds and watched as I entertained them with my dd and 3 week old baby.

Unfortunately, some of us don't get much, even now at 8 and 6 my parents have never had my dc for more than an hour. You're not alone, but it doesn't stop it feeling entirely shit, and it has certainly amended my feelings about being a grandparent in the future.

I was in the same situation as you OP many moons ago with both families a four-five hour drive away, DH out twelve hours a day working, all friends with young kids, there was no online shopping!

I paid a childminder to have each child for half a day so I could spend time with the toddler on his own and snooze whilst she had the toddler and I had the baby. Other than that what saved me was a Gina Ford type routine (she did not actually exist at the time :) ) so that from the kids being an early age I had evenings free to catch up/rest. OF course that would not suit everyone, but it worked well for me.

Oh and I got all my grandparent babysitting back once a year every year from my folks when they would come down in the holidays (they were teachers) and mind the kids in our house whilst DH and I took off for a week on our own!

Hi ya, not a suggestion of help as such but u may feel better if you're able to go along to some classes and get out n about and talk to new people, although obviously harder when u have 2 children. I remember how hard it was when my son was born and I had no idea what I was doing, having never been round children before! I felt like the worst Mum in the world but somehow got through it but it is so tough.

No family nearby, so no help there (GPs are lovely but too far away) and didn't really know anyone nearby so all down to me and DH. But really me, since I was breastfeeding. And didn't know anyone else well enough to hand over my children.

My advice [ probably repeated from above, haven't read whole thread ]

• take it a day at a time, there are good days and bad days - if it's a good day enjoy it, if it's a bad day take it hour by hour if need be and a better one will come along
• the newborn 'fog' will clear itself in a few weeks, right now with a 5-week old it's all a blur, just keep inching forward; besides you've done it already, you know you can!
• get outside, at least once and preferably twice (morning + afternoon) per day; unless they're ill will be good for the children too - a little fresh air makes a world of difference - doesn't matter if the house is a mess, just close the door and go!
• agree some 'me' time with your husband at weekends, even if just half an hour, preferably a couple of hours, he takes over [at least with the toddler] and you just take care of yourself even if that just means collapsing on the bed --- makes a big difference, I don't know how single mums manage!
• agree on other posters' tips to be specific (especially for men, who can feel a bit left out of the whole baby loop)

It's easier now, my boys are [nearly] 3 and 5, and play nicely together, and the older one is now at school, so hang in there.

In retrospect, knowing I had no one else to rely on means I never had any expectations in that regard or got upset at lack of help as I wasn't expecting any .

I had the same. No offers. It used to piss me off that the books and mw and hvs would tell me to accept all offers of help with my hoovering etc. What offers!

I did specifically ask for help and was told no over and over. I even said that i wasn't coping!