Any other SAHM's find the weekends challenging?

[MadameChinLegs]

I am on Mat Leave currently, so consider myself a SAHM. I love it, though it took some getting used to, and Mon-Fri have a nice little 'routine' going. My DD is 14 weeks old.

I find the weekends a struggle. DD is in a feeding routine, one which is flexible (I would never make her wait for a feed etc), and generally has a nap 1hr and a half after waking that sort of thing. She's very happy, and so am I, but I find that Saturday and Sunday things go a little awry, and she cries rather a lot on these days (something which she ver rarely does weekdays).

If I have a lie in, for example, and DH gets up with her, he seems to act as though he is just not interested in entertaining her. He'll offer her a feed well ahead of the times she normally would ask for one (I think it's so he has something to do with her) and she has much less awake time than when I get up with her (not sure if she has a nap as is bored, or what). I find when I then get up, I invariably spend a whole day not being usre of why she is crying, she is restless and whingy, erratic in her feeds and sleeps etc.

I know 'routines' are not everyone's cup of tea, and I really do not want to start a routine vs. baby-led debate, but as they evidently do work for her weekday, I get frustrated that it all goes to pot at a weekend (specifically the day I get a lie in). Am starting to think that I should just take charge of feeds and sleeps and entertaining on a weekend too, even though I do it during the week.

I also get a little frustrated at DH for seemingly not wanting to spend good chunks of time with DD at the weekend. Today, for instance, he has gone fishing. Now, don't get me wrong, he is entitled to down time, is entitled to take up a hobby etc and he did ask "is it OK if I go fishing" to which I answered "yes, of course" because it IS. But, why doesn't he WANT to spend time with her? Yesterday, he wanted us to go for a walk in the park, we did, and had a nice hour out. He then decided he wanted to go to his Allotment, so I went along with DD, purely to provide more opportunity for him and her to spend some time together (I do not enjoy going up there, but can see that it is a good hobby to have, and also would like DD to get some fresh air and a nice place for her to play when she's older).

At least on a weekday, I can think "well, DH isnt around because he has to work" rather than "DH isn't around because he is chosing to do other things".

I could think up a list of stuff for us to do together, but I just dont th9ink there's many things that we both enjoy. He likes to fish, the gym and his allotment. I like being a lazy cow and getting an hour to do nothing which he hates. I feel though, that I cant ever get my hour to laze about because he is off doing his thing. And of course, lazing about really isn't a justifiable activity is it? But then, I don't want to be doing a thing all of the time.

Gosh, this has turned into a bit of an epic, and Im not even sure if it should be in Parenting or Relationships but hey ho. Thanks for getting to the end. Just getting it all off my chest really, not even sure what a solution would be, or even if I am being overly optimistic in my want for happy weekends. I also know that as problems go, this is small fry, but it still gets me down.

Thanks.

I think you need some time to do something for you even if it's just a coffee and a look around the shops.

Your dh will probably be more interested in doing things with your dd when she is older, babies whilst lovely are quite boring.

The other thing is if you would prefer your husband to stay at home and help rather than go fishing it is ok to say so.

To a lot of people (me included) young babies are quite dull. Is it possible your DH wil come into his own when your DD is walking talking etc? A walk in the park and a trip to the allotment sounds quite reasonable. There is not a lot you can do with them at this age tbh! Unless you are a real baby operson, which some people just aren't. Some people just don;t have a clue what to do with one, it;s not their fault :)

I totally get the 'babies are dull' feeling, as lovely as she is, there's only so many times you can wave a toy in her face while she tries to grab it. Which is why it would be nice if DH could share in that. I find it sad that he is able to just not do the dull bits, and I don't feel like I can.

I know I could say that I'd prefer him to not go fishing, but then I feel like I have to provide suitable alternative entertainment for him as he will, in effect, be bored shitless at home.

I suppose he will come into his own once DD is toddling and getting into stuff - once she get's to a fun age. Though it feels unfair that he can almost opt out of the dull stage and once she's more fun, be more involved.

Let's be honest... there is no 'entertaining' a 14 week old.

Your DH feels bit of lemon, not sure what to do.

Trust me, as your DD develops and grows, he will come into his own, I am sure.

DS now 19 months.... SUCH a fun age. DH and him spend 80% of their time, wrestiling one another, and DH loves every minute of it. At 14 weeks however, he had very little role to play at all.

op i get what you are saying about your dp and tbh i still feel this about mine a lot of the time, and i now have 3 of them although he is generally better with them all once they get a bit bigger but i still have to keep saying, can you please spend some quality time with your children, it frustrates me that he does not take initiative with them that much, or do things in the same way which i do.. i have spoke to him about it a few times but what im thinking now is try to step back a bit and see if that enables him more to step into his chance of spending time with them. i would keep him having that morning while you have the lie in. he may not do things the same way as you and screws up the routine, which i understand is very annoying but long term its best for them both and you, if he keeps that up and im sure he will work out what works for him during that time. as she gets bigger the routine wll get a bit more flexi anyway so he will have more options open. she is only 14 weeks so he is only still getting used to parenthood really, but talk to him so you dont end up feeling this way for years - maybe when u talk to him about it he will understand.

As far as the weekend routine goes I would skip the lie-in for now (unless you are very sleep deprived), so that your day flows more like a weekday.

I don't think we started alternating lie-ins until DD was about 6 months, it was just nicer for that first bit to be doing it together as a family. But DD was a predictable sleeper/napper so neither of us were desperate for a lie-in. Now I like to have one just for a change of routine (for me) and a bit of a treat. (A 'lie-in' with kids is more like 9am rather than 11am, the day just starts earlier with little ones!)

I think alot of your other points are just the experience of having a new baby, we all realise in those early months how much it changes your life but, not (to the same extent) your DH's. As others have said he will most likely get much more involved as she becomes more interactive, crawling, then walking etc.

Is he able to take the baby out without you, eg could he have taken the baby to the allotment in the pram, or even just a walk to the park/round the block - that way you get a break to chill at home for an hour or so?

Also it may not be everyone's experience but as a SAHM you most likely will be 'in charge' of mealtimes, activities, napping etc whether it is the weekend or not - in some ways it is easier for you as you will know her better from being there everyday. However, you are still entitled to time 'off duty' and you need to let your DH know that now (and make sure he is becoming capable and confident in taking care of the baby on his own).

I'd have thought fishing was even more boring than minding a very small baby

I can't bear fishing...dull, dull, dull. He does take DD out on her own for a reason (took her to the shops to choose a Mother's Day card ) and he did say even though she didn't need to be there, he needed to make sure he was confiident with her so if I decide to go away for the weekend he knows what to do nice to know I have that option!

I think you are right, and he will come into his own as both she and his confidence grows. I just thought the weekends would be more of a 'sharing the task' thing, but I can see that I need to keep the lead, and maybe just step back a little at weekends.

Maybe you should take it in turns to do stuff at the weekend for instance one weekend he goes fishing, next weekend you have a shopping trip with a friend. Or arrange a baby swimming class on Sat morning that he takes her to while you lie in (think she will be able to do this when she is 4 months) which will give them something special to do together. Also, take advantage of the fact that she is small and doesn't yet move to have nice days out, walks and pub lunches etc.

I remember finding it quite difficult.

You get a nice little routine going during the week, you are totally in charge, doing your own thing (or the baby's thing) and then it all changes at the weekend and there is someone else to factor in.

But imagine the alternative - nobody else to factor in at the weekend.

It does get easier, and life feels 'normal' again, but both of you have a lot of adjusting to do, and I think it is harder for the one who goes out to work as they are not totally immersed in it all day every day, and their previous 'normal' life is still happening when they go out to work.

Not sure if that makes any sense or not, sorry!

My dd is 16mo and dh is sometimes still at a loss what to do with her when he has her to himself. I think he would just put cebeebies on all day if it was his choice

So, when I know that dh is 'in charge' of dd, I leave him with quite detailed instructions. I.e. when and what to feed her, what time to put her down for a nap and what other activities to do with her during the day e.g. painting or go to the park.

Some people may find this a bit control-freakish but dh actually really appreciates it and it saves me worrying about what's going on in my absence! Does this sound like something you could do?

ellesabe, it sounds most certainly like something I could do I used to leave "would you mind doing...." lists when I was at work and he was off (tbf, I'd not at all mind if he did the same for me then too). It's a good idea.

I know what you mean about your DH not knowing how to entertain a baby, my DH is pretty much the same, with our DTs. I think he feels selfconcious singing silly songs and playing with toys. If I ever get a lie in I usually come downstairs to them both asleep or watching football on the TV.

I second the swimming idea, we take our DTs to swimming lessons on a saturday and I am the only woman in the water, its definately a 'dad' thing to do (and waterbabies say you can start at 12 weeks).

Can he take her for a walk in the pram so you get some downtime? Can he take her to the allotment with him?

Also I agree that writing down your routine and sticking to fridge door might help. Perhaps a generalisation but men seem to like to have instructions to follow!

Well, I needed a few things from the shops today, so instead of going after DD is in bed, I left almost as soon as he came in from work. He seems to have enjoyed it, had about an hour with her doing bath, bottle and bed. So, just got to get him enjoying the stretches between naps in the daytimes too