How do I get my DD a "best friend"??

[kipsy]

My almost-4 DD attends nursery 5 mornings a week. She is an only child at the moment, and I am a SAHM. She started at her current nursery last September.

Every child in her current nursery seems to paired off with another. My DD, bless her, is always a third wheel. She is, I think, ignored or tolerated by most groups as they are all quite young. She has told me (and I have witnessed this) that some children have said quite bluntly that they don't want her as a friend, or that they don't want to sit/eat/play with her.

She is a very affectionate and very sensitive child. I worry about how this is affecting her self-esteem and happiness. She is still happy to go to school, but cries while recounting tales of being rebuffed (all witnessed/true). Really breaks my heart.

I have invited children over for playdates over this term, in the hope of finding a friend for her. No luck. They play well at home, but ignore her at school. Very distressing.

She is a quiet child, a little shy but loves being or playing with others. She is excellent at sharing, and is empathetic... all round sweet kid.

Any words of wisdom?

I am in a situation of clamping down ATM and trying to discourage 'best friends' with DD2. DD1 has never had one and, IMO, benefited from socialising with lots of children. We have some 'tug of wars' at the moment with the 4yr olds and it isn't nice.

I would say, try and engender the idea of lots of friends is a good thing. Invite some on playdates and see how you get on. Children will often act differently out of the nursery situation

In my experience, most 4 year olds don't have very settled best friends. It all changes round quite a lot at that age. But they can be quite cruel and blunt.

The best thing you can probably do to help her is to keep on facilitating play dates with whichever kids she gets on well with. With my DD I sometimes find it helps to let her have the child that is the cause of her latest fall-out round - they do tend to find it harder to be nasty at school if they know they're going back to her house to play later. She has a lot of fall outs, and always has - I've not found any way of preventing this really - just be there to listen to what she says and try and strike that balance of taking it seriously and believing her, whilst also remembering that in a couple of days she may well have made up after one fall out and have some new one to contend with.

Also worth not dismissing the boys as possible friends at that age - my DD has often sought refuge by playing with the boys when the girls are having fallouts.

My 4yo's friends change with the wind. Honestly.

I think a general stance of not taking anything too seriously at this age would be the best approach.

I do encourage my DD never to be rude, "you're not my BF anymore.. You're not coming to my party" etc etc

BUT it does seem to be a fickle world they all frequent!

Thank you, all, for taking the time to help!
Much appreciated.

I will continue with playdates, esp with the child in question, and also have some boys around.... I suppose this will toughen up DD a bit (and me, hopefully!), and also help her have a larger set of friends, albeit not close ones.

Glad you feel a bit better.

Some people whether children/adults just don't have loads of friends. I think as a parent it can feel really hard. You share their hurt, but I think it's just the way the world works.

Perhaps being an only child makes it more obvious? By this I mean you're very aware of what's going on in her life, but when children have siblings it dilutes the intensity of the hurt you feel?

Just a thought.

I'm not suggesting you immediately gives her siblings BTW!

my DD was an only child until she was 10. I have actively discouraged her from having a best friend because as several others have said it can lead to more upset. Best just to get along with everybody and form a few cclose friendships among her peers. She is very young to be encouraging the kind of socialising you are hoping for. You will need to be careful not to project your anxieteis about making friends onto her and make her feel she is failing at something. Just try hard to chill out and go with the flow.

Girls can be particulary horrible with this. I have an only - it seems to go up and down. I would invite others for playdates where you can and encourage solo activities where others might get interested. So when dd fell out with the "clique", I always made sure she had a skipping rope/book or something in her bag.

If your dd is not yet 4, I wouldn't worry - it is all fluid still. If she is happy enough going to nursery.

I think you should have a meeting with your DD's keyworker and express your concerns. I know that best friends are meaningless at this age but if your DD is getting so upset that she cries, then the issue of friendships and being kind to one another should be addressed.

In fact, I am actually appalled that nursery workers are allowing a little girl in their care to be sidelined. Are you happy with this nursery?

You cant really get her a best friend honesty dont fret about it , if she is happy to potter about and play with all the children then that really isnt an issue for her , best friends at 4 are like changing socks , Its every day My dds were floaters dd2 especially she played with everybody and TBh she wasnt that fussed about a best friend , Let your daughter be and dont worry if she hasnt got that bond You are looking for with another child

Honestly*

I agree that it is better to have lots of friends which, my DD1 has always done naturally but DD2 would rather just play with one friend- which is a pain when that one friend is ill or on holiday! Kids love control and they can achieve this by choosing who to include and exclude :-( - I remind DD's to make sure no one is left out and if my DD's are the one left out to say "shall we all play a game together" rather than "can I play with you" so it does not give a child the feeling of control iygwim?!? I hope it all works out!