Feel guilty about my bond with DS2 compared to DS1, is this normal??

[rowanrowow]

Hi, not really sure how to phrase this without sounding like a cow but I am just wondering if what I am feeling is remotely normal and also how I can fix it if it's not!

DS1 is 4 and (I may be biased about this) but just the most wonderful, happy, funny, interesting little person. He makes me laugh every day and I just adore him. He sleeps well, eats well, has an attitude of a teenager at times but is generally very manageable and a lovely little boy.

DS2 is 12 weeks old and I can't help but feel guilty that I don't seem to have the same overwhelming love for him that I do for DS1 :-( He is a grumpy baby, gets over tired a lot, fusses in the pushchair, cries in the car etc etc, basically does everything that DS1 did as a baby as he was also hellish but I am worried I just don't seem to have the energy to cope with it as well as I did last time. I know in my heart he won't always be a baby and that at this stage with DS1 I was going through hell too but right now I feel like I almost resent DS2 for not letting me spend all my time with DS1 which is totally unfair.

DS1 is brilliant with his brother, never shown any jealousy or agression about the situation dispite his brother crying a lot and needing a lot of attention. I think the fact that he's 4 means he is old enough to understand it's temporary and he's just a baby which is great. BUT it just makes me feel even more guilty that he is dealing with it so well and I am so proud of him but can't spend time showing him how much I love him. I miss him terribly as he is now full time school .

Please tell me I'll get over this and one day DS2 will fill me with love in the way DS1 does. I just feel like I don't know DS2 at all. He is just a baby and although I care for him and feed him, sing to him, keep him clean etc, it just feels like I am going through the motions with him rather than having the love that I now have for DS1.

Am I the only one to feel this??

is it just their age?

new born babies are v boring sometimes, but toddlers and children have amazing personalities. You are not comparing like with like.

I dont know if I can reassure you, but I can tell you you arent alone. I felt about DS1 (5) the way you do about DS2, and I am far more attached to my DS2 (2) than I ever was to DS1. It could possibly be a touch of the baby blues? I'm pretty sure I had PND with DS1 (traumatic birth - disassociation - never told anyone but DH)

I do love them both, but DS1 is not affectionate (never liked cuddles) and was a difficult baby, whereas DS2's loving personality shone through from early on. He has 'cuddlies' and has to be surrounded by them at night, but isnt that interested in toys. I am his hero. He also is very kind and loving towards other children (although not necessarily gentle) DS1 is quite detached from things and very materialistic. He never wanted cuddlies. I am forgotton about immediately.

However, having said that, I really do enjoy the rare days I get DS1 to myself. He has found it hard having a new brother come along, and DS2 is very (very) active and as such very hard work. A less frantic day with DS1 is lovely and these are the days that I really enjoy, and they make me realise that whilst my feelings are different towards him, he is still my baby and he needs me to be his mummy (and still attempt those cuddles lol)

So this feeling - it may pass, but I think you need to accept that you will most likely grow to love him, but just not in the same way. If I think of losing DS1 in some way now, I can't bear it, but I didnt feel like that when he was newborn - I wouldnt have cared if he was taken away. So things have changed :) Its not possible to love two individuals in exactly the same way. You can't help how you feel, but you can go through the motions as you are doing and make your DS2 feel secure and happy and loved and one day you will realise 'Oh sh*t - actually I do love this kid!'.

I have it the other way round where I feel much much close to dd2 and have a quite different relationship with dd1. I did feel guilty for a bit but have realised that they are two very different personalities (dd2 is more like me, dd1 is a complete mystery to me) and I treat them as individuals. dd1 will always be very special to me because she was my first and I found the early days very hard due to PND, and dd2 will always be the baby I had an instant bond with. I love them both to bits, but love can take many forms!
OP, try to give it time and see your second as quite a separate person from your first. He may well surprise you in how lovable he is in his own right. Good luck

Thank you for the reassurance. I think their ages does play a big part. I suppose I felt the same about DS1 when he was a baby but I had nothing to compare it to. I actually really don't enjoy the baby bit but have had two very cry-y difficult babies so that obviously doesn't help. I think I just wanted to enjoy the baby bit this time as it was sooo hard last time but I sort of feel robbed. DS2 is as difficult a baby only now I feel all the guilt for DS1 not having my full attention.

I sort of had the same feeling, but now it's kind of switched so I feel closer to DS2 than DS1. I have the same feelings you have about your DS1 about my DS2, and DS1 is quite hard work and I often have very negative feeings about him. I feel horrid about it.

12 week olds are boring! They're not at that age yet where they have a developed personality, and you mostly just give to them, and get very little back. Whereas with your DS1 you've had 4 years to build a relationship with him! I think it will come gradually. I only have one DC (DS 10mo) and although I enjoyed the early days, I didn't adore him then the way I do now as initially he was a bit of a stranger.

Also might a feeling of guilt be standing in your way of really connecting with DS2? Maybe you feel guilty that DS1 now no longer gets your undivided attention, so to compensate you're subconsciously keeping a bit of an emotional distance from DS2?

Give it a few months and see how you feel.

It took me a few months to bond with and love DS1, and even longer with DS2, so for a while I was much closer to DS1 than DS2. I didn't feel guilty - it was just the way it was.

Now I love them both very much but also differently, although I can't explain how.

I think it's normal (well it was for me) and just takes time. Mine took nearly 18 months. HTH

I went through this. Ds2 w a really difficult baby compared to ds1 and having toddler ds1 to deal with too, I really struggled to bond with ds2 looking back I'm fairly certain I had post natal depression too but wouldn't admit it to myself, let alone others at the time. I should know better considering I was and still am a psychiatric nurse.....

Ds2 was much happier once he was able to move around and then things improved dramatically and now both my boys are just absolute joys to me! They are 9 and 7 now, totally different but I adore them both equally.

Give it time

Thank you all, that is helpful. rrreow I think you may have a point about the guilt making me keep emotionally distant from DS2. i just feel so sad that we can't take ds1 to the same places or make the most of weekends etc as ds2 kicks off in the pram and isn't keen on sling either. Everything is just so stressful now and we are trying DS1 from picking up on it but it's difficult when his life at home has a 'soundtrack' in the background of crying baby :-(

the love you have for them both will be different, but it might take a while to be completely head over heels. 4 year olds are so wonderful, in time your new baby will be just as much fun. At the moment its SUCH a different relationship, you cant compare

Oh you'll get there, I'm sure.

With some of my (4) DCs I've fallen in love with them instantly, and with others it's been a slower, more gradual process - but the point is that I've always eventually fallen in love with them, IYSWIM. You know your DS1 - your DS2 is still an unknown, isn't he? One day he'll smile at you and that will be it - you'll be off. Don't worry.

Sorry to drag up this thread again rowanrowow and I don't even know if you will see this but I just wanted to ask how are things now? Have your feelings changed much in the past few months?

The reason I ask is that I searched the talk boards and found your post as I was about to ask the exact same question. The only difference is that my DS2 is 11 months old. He is the complete opposite to DS1, cries ALL the time even now he is older. He gets unbelievably frustrated and will scream blue murder, hit and scratch and throw things if he doesn't get his own way eg wanting to pull the tv off the stand, put his hands down the toilet and other more dangerous things he has to learn not to do. Even silly little things and he goes berserk.

He isn't a cuddly baby, seems to be grumpy all the time and is such a live wire there is no time for anyone else. I feel so sad that I don't get to spend time with DS1 (although he is 4 now and Daddy is the King so he doesn't seem to mind as much) and I too miss DS1 when he is at nursery. He is an amazing big brother, takes so much sh!t from DS2 like all the screaming, having to share his toys and lots of other things that he just mostly goes along with to be a good big brother.

I will stop now (it's been a difficult day today with DS2) but I just thought I would resurrect this thread to see if your situation has changed? Give me hope!

I want to add that I do love DS2 but he is still a bit of a stranger and really doesn't seem to like me IYKWIM although of course I know he does!!! I don't really know how else to explain it.

I think once your baby is a bit older (around 2ish) you'll feel very differently about all of this. The baby stage feels like you're just not getting out the bit sometimes, especially with all the feeds, sleep deprivation, etc. Give yourself a break, you've got a newborn!! You do love both your DC the same, it is hard to see it just now because of the stage you are at.

Hiya Tamashill sorry to hear about your situation. Haven't been on for a while but just happened to log on today and see this so sorry I've not replied sooner.

Well, things are still a bit up and down really. DS2 is 8 months old now and is still a grumpy, crier a lot of the time but then so was DS1 at this age. He's actually very similar baby to DS1 which really wore me out first time.... really thought we were due a placid angel baby this time but it was not to be!

Your DS2 sounds exactly like my DS1 was (and no doubt my DS2 will be the same). It's hard work when they are so draining and constantly crying. Just to reassure you though, DS1 just turned 5 and is totally not like that now. He's brilliant and has been such a good big brother to DS2 so please don't think that you will always feel this way about him.

In terms of my relationship with DS2, hmmmmm. It's changed in a way.... I have come to accept that he is not a jolly placid baby and am just getting my head down and just ploughing through I think. I am certainly not enjoying him but then I didn't enjoy DS1 as a baby. It's very very hard to enjoy a baby like this but I do have faith that it will get easier the same as it did last time. However day to day I still struggle to not resent him for coming between me and DS1 and sometimes bedtime can not come quick enough and I wonder how I will ever get through til 7pm.

BUT... the love is slowly coming. On the rare occassions when he is happy and content I do see his smile and melt. I look at him and wonder how I ever lived without him. He is beautiful and has completed our family. I feel fulfilled which I never did after DS1, I always felt like I wasn't quite finished yet but now I don't so I feel content knowing I NEVER have to go through this again hahaha! Also seeing him learn new skills like waving and clapping is making him seem more of a 'person' which sounds stupind but he is now Rowan, not just the screaming baby if that makes sense?

Anyway, you are further into it than me and hopefully you will see some big improvements in your DS2 over the next 6 months. My DS1 turned into the most lovely toddler but he was just very frustrated with not being able to walk and talk. As soon as he could talk we never had any problems. I think it's still early days for us both and I do keep trying not to compare my feelings for DS1 and 2. I prefer to think that it's just that I have know DS1 for longer so know him better. DS2 is just hard work at the moment but the rewards will come.

I am sure this doesn't help at all and I've rambled on a bit but feel free to reply if you want! Take care of yourself. Having 2 children is bloody hard work.

I also felt the same as you i was in your situation a few years ago.
time goes so quickly. the second one grows up so fast i know it is hard but please enjoy your baby as this stage doesnt last long.mine are now 5 and 8 i would give anything for him to be a baby again.

if your baby senses this he could rebel in behavor as he will feel left out and jealous of you and other child. try to envolve him and make him feel as special as the 1st so it wont cause promblems in the future .good luck .xxx