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Parenting

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Original poster

DS won't wear his jacket when it's cold.

25 replies

robin3 · 03/02/2006 10:12

Suggestions please.

The trouble is that with something like this I'd normally be able to contain a tantrum in the house and this gives me lots of options of how to deal with it but he kicks off at nursery when coming home or at peoples houses and not only is it an embarassing scene but short of forcing his arms in I'm kind of powerless. Also faced this with the car seat but again it's easy to sit calmly in a contained car and simply refuse to go anywhere until he's strapped in.

Any help gratefully received.

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 10:16

Sorry but you just have to ride out the tantrums in public and make it very clear that you are in charge. IMHO

Original poster

robin3 · 03/02/2006 10:19

Does that mean sit there and refuse to budge until he puts his jacket on?

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 10:21

Yes

I presume he is 2 ?

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WigWamBam · 03/02/2006 10:24

Actually, I would say no, it doesn't mean waiting until he decides to do it. I would say that it means insisting calmly and firmly that the jacket is worn, and putting it on him if necessary, all the while ignoring the fact that he is tantrumming. He has to learn that there are some things that have to be done and are not negotiable - having his coat on, being in his car seat - and you need to be firm about making sure that they are always done.

You are in charge, not him - if you wait around for him to put his coat on, or if you sit in the car waiting until he's strapped in then HE is in charge. IMO these are things that you need to insist are done when YOU say so, not when he does.

Original poster

robin3 · 03/02/2006 10:25

Spot on and generally fantastic and easily reasoned with. I'm quite good at staying calm and standing my ground but the 'outdoor' prolonged tantrum complete with staring people is all new to me. Just hoped there might be a deflection/coersion tactic available.

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mumatuks · 03/02/2006 10:27

Can you make it in to a game? I find that both DS's know when mummy is stressed and play up even more!

If I'm in the right kind of mood I'll say something like "how does your coat go on? Is it like this?" and try it on backwards or I'll say "can mummy wear it?!" To which I get "No its mine"

The other day I really wasn't in the mood to be messed about, so I put the pram outside the door, said to DS1 "come on, mummys going out put your coat on please" He said no and stomped his foot. I gave him one last chance when he said no again I went outside and shut the door behind me and locked it! Of course I wasn't going anywhere, but DS1 got his coat on and when I opened the door 30 seconds later he was all ready to go!

I'm a rotten mummy, I know.

As for the car seat, this is a good one! We were on the M1 when DS1 slipped his arms out of the straps. I asked him to put his arms in and got screamed at and kicked. So I played the guilt trip card (bad mummy again) and said "If you don't wear your seatbelt, the police will come in their Nee-Nors (DS's word) and they weill tell Daddy off!" Coincidently, 4 police cars came past lights sirens and all! DS1 slipped his arms back in! Since then I have brought one of those things that once they're strapped in, it goes around the harness and stops them getting out.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 03/02/2006 10:31

Sadly there isn't any real tactic.

My neighbour still talks fondly,( she almost died laughing), of the time she met me walking across the traffic lights near the CM's with DS(then aged 2.5) under my arm, like a roll of carpet, he was hollering his head off and I was ignoring him.

I had to step over a two year old who was lying on the floor and hollering at the top of her voice in W H Smith the other day,I just looked at her Mum and said 2 ??? to which she replied, is it obvious??

mumatuks · 03/02/2006 10:35

ah yes LGJ, we often do the "roll of carpet" manourver here too!

I think these things seem really bad at the time because it's all that seems to happen, but then they get a little older, they get over it and, like you say, you see someone elses child doing it and think "I remember DS/D doing that"

Original poster

robin3 · 03/02/2006 10:38

Thanks mumatuks. The car seat thing only lasted a couple of weeks and then my approach worked and he doesn't complain any more So far staying calm and repeating the reasoning has worked really well. He seemed to get that Mummy had to wear a seat belt and he has no choice.

I know it sounds wimpy WWB but it puts everyone in a mood when there is so much confrontation and I've found that funny voices (as suggested on Mnet) and tickling generally work better with him. Seems to deflate his anger. I'll try the tactics suggested but if all else fails it'll have to be the WWB way!

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Original poster

robin3 · 03/02/2006 10:42

Ok...you're scaring me now! Don't you know I'm going to have the only 2 year old in the world who does what he's asked.

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WideWebWitch · 03/02/2006 11:01

I used to do the opposite and say 'be cold then' - he soon decided to put it on once we were out.

batters · 03/02/2006 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foxinsocks · 03/02/2006 11:13

yes I used to do the 'be cold' thing (in fact, still used that tactic with ds aged 4 who should know better who wanted to wear shorts for school this morning - soon changed his mind after 5 minutes outside!)

ProfessorG · 03/02/2006 11:28

I used to do the "be cold" thing when DS2 was 3 or 4. He still didn't put the damn thing on unless it was raining, but I used to put lots of layers on him, carry the coat with me and not make a big issue out of it. IMO the coat is not a non-negotiable one like the car seat or crossing the road. But DS2 was never prone to colds and didn't seem to be that cold even without the coat - I may have taken a different view otherwise I suppose.

ProfessorG · 03/02/2006 11:29

I have carpet-rolled this boy many times too! But now he's older he is reasonably compliant.

lizzythemonkey · 03/02/2006 11:59

my ds is nearly 7 and still hates wearing a coat (and he still has tantrums about it)! i've tried all these at different times and have varying results depending on his mood! I have to say, if it's frosty outside, he has a cold (most of the time atm tbh) and we've got to get too school ontime then I just put it on him and get outside as fast as I can. The actal putting on can be a bit fraught but once outside the power of fresh air usually calms it all down.

Original poster

robin3 · 03/02/2006 12:46

What really bugged me was my Mum who last weekend turned to me having watched too much Supernanny and said 'you really must follow things through..if you say you're going to put his coat on you must do it!'.

I wouldn't mind but this was the only incident/tantrum of the entire day and he was about to get in the car so it wasn't even cold and she's the one who breaks all the rules with him usually! Also the whole cliche of the way she said it. The only reason she watches Supernanny is to offer counsel and that bugs me too.

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pablopatito · 03/02/2006 13:06

Completely off topic I guess but a few weeks ago I was walking home and walked pass a bloke carrying a fairly large dog. I thought 'oh poor dog, it must be sick or injured, I wonder what's wrong'. The bloke crossed the road and carried on a bit and I watched him as I was feeling sorry for the dog. Then the bloke put the dog on the floor and started saying 'come on, come on' and pulled and pulled on his lead and the dog just sat there and stared at him. The bloke just couldn't move the dog so eventually he picked him again and carried on walking. He saw me watching him and went bright red. So cheer up cos at least its less embarrassing with kids.

WigWamBam · 03/02/2006 13:11

Robin, I hate to say it but your mum is right - if you say you are going to do something then you must follow it through. If you threaten something and then give in because of a tantrum then the tantrum has worked and he will use it again and again whenever he doesn't want to do something, because you have given him the message that when he throws a tantrum he can get you to give in.

peppapig2 · 03/02/2006 14:02

my 2year old hates her coat, she is always hot and I stopped putting vests on her after last winter.She is only happy with one layer on and if it is short journeys (in and out of car) I don't bother. She is never ill and all her friends that are wrapped up with 30 layers have always got colds etc. Could it be that he is just hot?

btw if it is an outside journey I insist (and she knows when I say she has to put it on I will make her ) I give myslef and extra 5 minutes and she has a little strop but then gets over it.

rummum · 03/02/2006 14:05

what happens if you say... OK, don't wear it them?? does he not feel the cold or is he just doing it for the sake of an argument...

brightstar1 · 03/02/2006 14:23

I agree that kids need to know when somethings not negotiable.But i must admit i tend not to worry too much if they wont put their coats on as 1) i dont think children feel the cold like we do,and will soon put it on if they were!! 2)i've lost count of the times i've been in boiling hot shops etc,and seen a child strapped in a pram, coat done right up,screaming their heads off,looking absolutely boiling,mum totally oblivious (this really upsets me).
Agree with mumatuks though, as soon as they know your bothered by something they will do everything in their power to defy you!!!

NotQuiteCockney · 03/02/2006 14:28

I'm with the "why fight about this" folks. They'll wear what they wear, being cold won't kill them, and it doesn't harm me to carry his coat. Every day, at the end of school, they put DS1's coat on him. I show up, he asks if he can take his coat off. He takes it off, and carries it downstairs. He generally doesn't wear it at all, except when it's as cold as it is now. (Sometimes we just leave the coat at school, to save on ferrying it back and forth for no reason.)

I will sometimes ask him to keep his jumper on, for a bit, just to see how cold it is out.

Original poster

robin3 · 03/02/2006 16:31

I don't back down on anything important as per my carseat comments but also I try to choose the sensible battles so he knows I'm serious when I do ask him to apologise or insist on something regardless of the tantrum. He is quite reasonable generally and seems to listen to my reasoning and/or be happy to brush his teeth for a gold star. So much of this toddler stuff seems to be a phase. I think the jacket is small stuff really.

I'm new to all of this so learning as I go but I guess in my mind this is less a question of my loss of control, because I am in control, but more a question of considering the best technique to get him to comply with the small requests without having to resort to a High Noon moment.

If it were down to my Mum she'd have made meals in to a battle field as well but I've followed the advice of you guys and the books (dare I say) and they're right and she realises that now - relaxing a bit means some days he eats and others he doesn't eat as much but as he grows older he's getting better and better and I've realised that it's not a big deal.

It's interesting hearing all your views though and proves that there's more than one recipe for success.

Pablo....I'm counting my blessings!

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fairyglo · 04/02/2006 15:18

Robin3, we have been having the same issue for ages and I'm afraid I've come to the conclusion you just have to ride this one out. We were in Cambridge on Thursday when it was trying to snow and was absolutely freezing. Dh and I were dressed up in as many layers as possible. Ds refused coat, hat and scarf. There is no way of physically forcing them on him and he is indifferent to any sanctions suggested (not bothered by losing toys, being bribed with sweets, saying we won't go until he's put on his coat/car seat straps etc). In the end we just carried him through Cambridge in a light jumper as quickly as possible. If dh hadn't been there, ds and I would have had to walk slowly through Cambridge in a light jumper since I'm pregnant and can't carry him. I was hoping he might know his own body temperature better than us but he's got a cold so alas even that comfort doesn't work. Stubborn blighters aren't they ?

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