Should I tell my 5yo why absent Daddy never rings or visits?

[Propinquity]

I orignally put this in Lone Parents, but there's never much traffic there. The more views I can get, the better.

Mum of two under 5, father lives 200 miles away and has not spoken or visited children since last October. Did not ring on Christmas Day (has been here past two Christmases).

He does this, used to be incommunicado for weeks or months on end, went six months without seeing him when I was pregnant with youngest. We have never really lived together fulltime, as he has two other properties which he used to spend time between (one being renovated, the other storage for his 'work'/hobbies).

But now my eldest is nearly 5, she has oobviously begun to question his absence and why he will not answer the phone when she asks to ring him and say goodnight. My excuses so far have been he's alerady gone to bed or is poorly or his phone battery's died. All lies, but my question is, should I know tell her the truth or keep lying? Should I explain somehow that Daddy doesn't want to talk to them? And if so, what reason should I give? I believe it's because it hurts him too much to hear them talk because he misses them so much (I moved away, domestic violence issues) but then he has never made efforts to visit very much or phone and will not set up Skype, never sends birthday cards and so on , so he can't miss them that much?

Has anyone else been in similar situation and if so what did you do?
Or what would be people's general advice?

I try to keep relations civil with him, do not speak badly of him in front of the children and have begged, pleaded and encouraged him to contact, but no success.

Is it time to tell the children, or should I put it off a few more years? I am trying to think of how this knowledge might affect her future, how she will view her father, how it may go on to affect her choices in relationships with men (or women).

I really feel for you. I'm dreading the day my DC ask me this.

Sorry that I'm no use (as I often am). Just wanted to let you know that I sympathise with this dilema and really don't know what I'm going to do, so I'll sit here and see what advice you get

Have you thought about telling that the kids would like to know why? Would be interested to hear the answer.

I doubt very much that it is because he misses them otherwise he'd make more effort.

Bump

"I believe it's because it hurts him too much to hear them talk because he misses them so much"

It's really not this. It's probably because he can't be bothered with his children, is punishing you by ignoring them, and has moved on to making someone else's life miserable.

I believe in being as truthful as possible in an age-appropriate way. Explain to your children that Daddy lives far away and is very busy which means he isn't in touch very much. Also explain that Daddy was not very nice to Mummy and that's why he had to go and live somewhere else so that Mummy was safe. Telling the truth isn't speaking badly of him but if you don't give them downside of the story from relatively early on, they can grow up with a very unrealistic and idealistic view of 'Daddy'.

Hi Prop, not sure if this is any help but I can hopefully give you a point of view from a few more years down the line. My DD is now nearly 18 and her father left when she was one, he didnt see her or contact her but did try for custody when she was six, the judge wouldnt even discuss that possibility or any contact at all until he had done written contact for about a year, needless to say he never contacted DD (until she was 16, I come to that important bit later .

Anyway, I was left to pick up the pieces twice when she was very young. I took the stance (not always easy) to never blame him and when she asked why her didnt want to see her, did he love her etc.... I always told her that I was sure that he didnt not love her and think of her a lot, as she grew a little older I did say that he was sillly as he was missing out on a wonderful girl. What I did do tho was to always reiterate how much she was loved by everyone around her and how important that was. Even from about five she umderstood that not everyone has a father, but that she was so loved by her family.

Anyway, fast forward to 16 and his now girlfriend looked her up on facebook and said her and him wanted to get to know her (they had moved to Australia). DD was a little excited and although I was a little worried I wanted to support her. Six weeks later he sent her a facebook message when he was so obviously pissed out of his mind, it was awful, incoherent and very aggressive about me and my family (nice move!). DD didnt reply but deleted them from her contacts and as far as she is concerned that is the end.

However, she is a lovely, funny, warm girl who I am so so proud of, she has had a lovely relationship with a really nice boy. She gets on famously with my DH who I met when she was 13, he and my brother are the ones she turns to when she needs advice, help or money .

When she was young I was so worried about how his rejection of her would effect her, and I wont lie, it has left its mark, but I really do think that as I was honest without being nasty about him (let her come to her own conclusions about him), and always always let her know how important it was that she was surrounded by love that she has grown into a really rounded mature young girl.

Sorry, that was a bit long but hope it helps a small bit!

What a lovely post boohoohoo. I cant speak for the OP but I found it helpful and moving.

I'm in a similiar situation (7 yr old DS, dad doesnt make contact) and I also believe in telling the truth. But only as appropriate and only in so far as it is helpful for DS. So to be honest I'm not convinced that I would add any details about 'daddy wasnt nice to mummy' unless and until your dc asks what happened. But in the meantime I think it's important to tell the truth, in the way that boohoo suggested, to give your dc's the space to deal with their circumstances. My guess is that they know already that you are not being entirely honest and that telling the truth 'I'm sure daddy loves you but at the moment he is not making any contact with you or answering your calls' will allow them to start to dealing with their feelings about it all ie to identify and deal with what must be their sadness, anger and curiousity about daddy. So I would go for 'daddy just doesnt seem to be answering your call at the moment and I can imagine that that doesnt feel very nice for you' rather than to try to protect the children (and him...) from the truth. Because heaven knows we cant change the truth of their situation however much we want to :(

HTH and good luck.

Don't make excuses for him, it's not nasty or lying, just say 'I don't know'

I am also a great believer in telling children the truth. Apart from anything else, lying damages your relationship with them. If you are always honest with them, then they learn they can trust you. Like feelingverysad I think kids pick up on these things, even if they can't entirely understand or articulate them. If you are someone who lies (even with the best possible intentions) you are not reliable.

It's also ok to tell them 'I don't know' if that is the honest answer. Much better than speculating about xp's motivations or frame of mind. Even though little kids might think so, mums really don't know everything