Husband gives in far too easily

[mubbybeck]

I need advice because I'm in despair over what to do with my husband. He is far too soft with our son, 2yrs 8mths, doesn't discipline (or if he does it's very very inconsistent, only when he feels like it) and gives in to any demand our son wants because he wants to see him happy.

My son is currently eating Weetabix for dinner because he wouldn't eat the dinner I gave him (pasta after he said he wanted pasta and yet as soon as it was put in front of him he refused it). My husband came home from work, took over from me and stuck to the "No pudding because you haven't even tried your dinner..." Next thing he came out to tell me he was going to give him Weetabix, he doesn't want to see him go to bed hungry. I couldn't do anything to stop him, all he did was make me look really bad in front of our son.

I don't believe in giving alternatives for dinner, otherwise the child rules and the parent could be running around making dinner after dinner. Ok so he wanted pudding and he's not had any but by having Weetabix I feel he's learning if he doesn't want what Mummy's cooked he won't go hungry because he'll get something he does want.

Anyway, the whole issue of my husband's lack of disciplining is winding me up terribly now, I'm basically trying to do it on my own. At the weekend I was giving a timeout which wasnt going too well for a while so husband sat there and just told me to give in. Well I didnt and after 20mins I proved him wrong by succeeding.

Oh and one more thing, both my husband and his mum can't ever look like the bad ones, and both will say "Mummy says no". And I'm not even being unreasonable, it's things like no biscuits because it's dinner soon, that kind of thing but oh let's make Mummy look like the bad one. Wow, thanks alot husband and mother-in-law!!

Thanks for reading everyone, any advice or reassurance would be great to read... x

Well I'd be with your husband on this one. I don't send my kids to bed hungry, so if they don't eat dinner I allow them some healthy snacks. Maybe he feels you ate being too harsh and he is entitled to an opinion. You don't include other examples of lack of discipline, but I think you need to agree on some ground rules and try to be consistent.

I agree with you OP
Not eating dinner = no pudding or snacks
No bloody way!

I am like you OP, but I also know plenty of people like your DH, and I expect in the long run, all the dcs will turn out fine. However in the meantime, I personally could not stand to have a house full of dcs who rule the roost! There are a couple of kids in my 6 year old's class at school who rule the roost at home, and even the other children make comments about how spoiled they are, cry if they don't get everything they want etc. I wouldn't want that for my dcs.

If your DH's parenting approach is so different from yours, you need to decide what you will compromise on, and what he is going to compromise on. Kids learn to play one parent off against the other very early in life! I would pull him up sharp on the "mummy says no" though - that's horribly passive agressive.

I think you could explain to your DH about the different types of crying dcs do - the truly upset cry vs the frustrated cry vs the angry cry when they can't have everything their way.

With the dinner scenario where he said he wants pasta then changes his mind - I wouldn't ask him what he wants, I would just tell him here's your dinner, then leave him to eat it. I don't give anything else unless they have eaten a good amount of the dinner. I promise you he will be fine even if he misses a meal!

The thing the stuck out most to me was the "mummy says no" thing. That's really out of order!

Does your mil live with you? If not id start with your dh and deal with her later.

He needs to be made to understand how important it is for you both to agree on discipline otherwise your dc will realise pretty early on that if you say no he can just go to his dad instead. He'll be playing you off against each other. I suspect your husband might quite like that as he'd always get to be the good guy, but your discipline will be next to useless and so it would be the same as there being no discipline at all. Your child will have no boundaries, no idea of what is unacceptable and this will be a problem when he starts school. Kids like that are often not liked by other children. Perhaps ask your dh if he WANTS his son to have no friends. Ask him how he thinks his son will be behaving when he is 6 if this continues, or when he's 14 and a big strapping lad. He'll be a nightmare if he isn't taught what is acceptable over the next couple of years, its no good you teaching him these things if his dad just tells him to ignore you. Children need firm boundaries and he won't get that if you don't work together. Children play up when the rules are not clear . . . they like and need rules!

It might be just that your husband feels that your son is too young for such strict discipline but if that's the way he feels then you need to talk about it and try to work out a way to teach your child that you both agree with. Making you the villain and undermining you is not the way to deal with it!

I remember seeing something on tv about overweight children. There was a little girl and her dad was like your husband, just wanted her to be happy and gave in all the time and wanted to be her friend rather then her parent. The result was that she ate what she liked. I remember the dad saying that he didn't want to upset her, and so wasn't going to teach her about healthy diet or say no to treats etc. He said that if she ended up very fat she could deal with it herself as an adult! I remember being so shocked. He wasn't fulfilling his responsibilities as the dad. Its not all about being matey with them. They learn a lot of what they need to have a good life from us and that's our job to teach them. This man would rather see his adult daughter fat with possible health problems because of it, then do his job. Her habits and attitude to food were being set as a child by someone who couldn't be bothered actually do it properly. Your op reminded me of that.

As for the food thing with your son. I would make sure there is something he likes on his plate everyday and at least 3 things so there could have been say broccoli and bread and butter with his pasta. That way you know that if he eats nothing and asks for something else you know he is either just not that hungry or trying on. In that case i wouldn't worry about him not eating. I agree about not making a completely different meal, just make sure if you give him something new that there is also has something on his plate that he likes.

My children are a bit skinny so we see a nutritionist. We were told not to withhold desert if they don't eat their main and not to use food as a reward like that, or withhold food as a punishment. That doesn't teach a healthy attitude to eating. So that's what we do. If they eat NO food whatsoever then they still get afters but we make sure it is yogurt and fruit rather then chocolate for eg. That advice has worked well for us and i do agree with the nutritionist.

Also tell your husband that missing one meal isn't big deal, your child will be fine.

Perhaps when you talk to your husband you talk about what you want to achieve in relation to your child. How do you want him to behave as an older child, as a teenager and what you want to instill in him for when he is an adult.

Oh and also, there is a child with a dad like your husband living a few doors from me. She is now 5 and her behaviour is terrible. When her dad does very weakly try to tell her no she ignores him and does it away, snatches the thing she wants whilst screaming at him. She's a brat that other children and their parents avoid.

Sorry for the mammoth post, i read your op before school this morning and it stuck in my head. I think because it must be awful to be undermined with your own child. Especially as your mil is doing it to. Don't let then get away with it.

I sort of know what you mean as I am definately the disciplinarian (?spelling) out of me and dh, mine are 4 and 5 now so are old enough to understand a lot more and I think they learn to behave differently with their parents. 2 days a week when I'm at work I leave at 7am so dh does the breakfast, dressing getting out of the house etc. and sometimes says he has horrible mornings when they won't eat quickly enough, won't turn the tv off to get dressed etc. When I'm there if they are messing eating their breakfast they get a 5 minute warning that breakfast will be taken away, they always finish it (or eat until they're full) cos they know it WILL be taken away. If they are watching tv and won't get dressed I turn the tv off. I'm the adult, I say. If dh chooses to let them rule then more fool him, he has a harder time then me (disclaimer here, my kids aren't complete brats for dh, they are just slightly more testing then they are for me!!!).
It's hard at the moment OP feeling like the bad guy but a few sarcastic comments to ds (in a sweet condescending voice of course) like "oh yes darling is daddy giving you a biscuit right before teatime, I wonder if you'll refuse your tea now, perhaps daddy will give you some weetabix instead, isn't he just a hero" might drop some hints you're a little annoyed though it may lead to huge arguments, perhaps don't go down the sarcastic route...

What you really mean is 'DH and I disagree on what is acceptable/unacceptable behaviour from our child'.... Neither of you is wrong or right. Both of you have to find a compromise.