How can I stop DD1 saying nasty (but probably true) things to her classmate?

[plipplops]

DD1 started reception in September. Last week she said to me "I don't want to play with X (a girl in her class), because she always spits when she talks and I hate it". I said that wasn't a very nice thing to say and she needs to be kind but didn't make too big a deal of it.

When I dropped her off this morning X (who seems like a lovely gentle girl) came up to me and said "Y (my daughter) says she's not my best friend any more". I just told her I didn't think that was a nice thing (of my DD) to say and sort of ran off.

After school today DD mentioned it again, and said she never wanted to sit next to X because she hates it when she spits. She's not saying she hates X as a person, just the spitting.

What do I say her? She doesn't have to like everyone and as I'm not there to police it I can't tell her to grin and bear it. She's one of the youngest in the class, and socially quite a bit behind the other girls (this is the first time I've heard her say anything about being anyone's best friend, whereas some of the other girls I know have been like that for a couple of years). I hate the thought of her upsetting X, but I think she sees it as fact she's not trying to be spiteful at all. Any thoughts would be really welcome...

I might be tempted to point out some true but nasty things about her. like that it's extremely mean and unkind to say hurtful things about other people. Even if they are true. Empathy comes a bit later.

It's all part and parcel of this age group.

Dd2 drools and walks like a drunk, and is fairly socially isolated as a result. I just have to hope that eventually the kids develop some compassion. I hope their parents talk to them in very matter of fact ways and point out when they are saying potentially hurtful things (and also the shallow stuff like choosing friends based on a lisp lol). But ultimately you just have to keep telling them and hope it sinks in.

Asking them how they would feel if they were in the other person's shoes might help.

She'll find a different reason to be not friends with someone else tomorrow though, and probably best friend with the spitting girl again, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I think you need to be clear that telling people things about themselves that they can't help (assuming she can't help this ) is hurtful even if true.
Illustrate this by choosing something about her that someone else might not like.

It is about social skills and they do take time to develop.
I had a difficult time with my DS who would feel it was his duty to announce to the class how much he didn't like something about a classmate.
It was awful a few times as at his school there were many children with SEN who often displayed 'unusual' or repetitive behaviours. One particular boy with autism sat near him and repeated every thing he said.

My DS became quite nasty with this boy ( year 1) telling him to be quiet and calling him "annoying". I was torn between wanting to protect the boy but recognised that it IS annoying and he didn't have the social skills to ignore the behaviour.

It's difficult isn't it?

It really is. Thanks for your replies - I've not had to deal with this kind of thing before but actually just pointing out that it's hurtful is obvious. She often cries in the mornings at school when all the other kids are sitting beautifully (there's nothing really wrong she's just a bit clingy), so I've tried to compare with "what if nobody wanted to be your friend because you cry when I drop you off?", although I think it's going to take rather more nagging repeating myself to drum this one into her...

Are you sure they make that connection at that age? Why not have a blanket rule of not making comments on people physically. So, if she does not want to play with the spitting girl anymore she should not say "I don't like your spitting" instead say " no thank you, I am doing x now" and move along. It helps, I think, if the message is simple and steady. Never make comments on the physical. Thoughts?

Maybe the spitting girl will learn to control the spitting. My son recovered from some very unpleasant habits because of frank comments from peers (about nose picking, uncontrolled farting, etc). My nagging had no effect.

Obviously, I'm not saying your daughter shouldn't learn to empathise and be kind, just sometimes kids learn from their peers about what is unpleasant behaviour.

Of cours, if the spitting is due to a physical problem, I am wrong.

I think all you can do is keep talking to her about how the girl can't help the spitting and how she must be so sad that no one wants to be her friend. A bit of guilt might on it!

I think all you can do is what you did - tell your dd that she needs to be kind and tolerant. Then I would stay out of it tbh, let them sort it out.

Have to say though, kids who come and tell tales on what your dc has said/done REALLY annoy me. I make no comment anymore if they do that. I don't know why it bugs me so much, it's like they almost enjoy the victim role or something.