I was horrible to dd [sad]

[boglach]

I have had family visiting this weekend. To be brief I had an abusive childhood and this is family I have only just got back in touch with because we were seperated by lies and manipulation. Even though they are nice members of my family it is still emotionally draining

but that does not excuse my behaviour this morning. I was due to drop ds at school then said relatives at station and my potty training dd needed a poo. but she was holding it in because she doesn't like moving her bowels

I don't know why but I lost it. I shouted at her that she had to go and I was rough with her . My ds was upset too. I really was behaving like a nutter and I can only think it is tiredness and strain. I apologised to them both and my dd just went in her pants so I hugged her and said well done for going.

I just feel so bad

Tiredness and strain will do that to you. Your view on what constitutes acceptable parenting behaviour will be coloured by your abusive childhood and you probably overcompensate most of the time by being ultra-nice and ultra-calm. Just to reassure you, most parents occasionally behave irrationally or lose it from time to time.... doesn't make anyone a 'nutter', just a human being.

Thank you so much. your words have helped give me perspective and makes me realise there are nice supportive people on mumsnet

I have to agree most normal parents lose it from time to time, we don't always handle situations perfectly, we often get it wrong. The key things are trying to do it right, and apologising.
Both of which seem to be things you are doing.
Don't be too harsh on yourself.

I think boglach that you have MASSIVE fears that you will end up like your parents/family. I have the same fears so totally sympathise. But you are NOT like your parents. You LOVE your children which is obvious because you felt so bad for being a bad parent today. Everyone has bad days and feels bad about our behaviour towards our children. The important thing is recognising it which you have. NO ONE is perfect - big hugs xxx

I lost it with DD3 8 days ago. I was so angry and I was too rough with her and even my mild mannered DD2 called me on it and got really upset. To be honest the physical manipulation to get DD3 to do anything had been getting rougher over time so this was a big wake up call for me. I'm sure everyone loses it every now and again but I feel so bad just like you do OP.

It's made me stop shouting at the DDs and I don't physically make DD3 do anything anymore.

Thanks. I do have a big fear of repeating my childhood but I know logically that isn't happening. I adore my dd and we have a lovely bond. I am normally patient but if I am anxious I can lose it