I'm so worried about how my very sensitive dd will cope with all the change that will be happening soon. Please help me prepare her.

[peggotty]

She's 7, has always been pretty sensitive, and has only just, in year 3, stopped going into school crying because she doesn't want to leave me. I have been a SAHM ever since I had her (also have a ds age 4). In September I am starting a degree course which will be quite full on and involve periods when I am on full time placements. Dh works full time and we have no family in the area. The dc are obviously going to have to go into childcare before and after school but dd is extremely negative about this, getting upset and saying she doesn't want to and only wants to come home with me etc. I am really worrying about this - she is quite a shy girl and likes everything to stay the same - she has struggled a little bit in school at times as she is in a class with some strong personalities and very confident children. What can I do to make it easier for her? I am starting to think I shouldn't do the course as I really believe she'll be miserable . Please help.

Don't not do the course.

Perhaps (and I mean this gently to you) it's time to be firm with your DD. She might not like change and might be sensitive, but unfortunately it's something that we all have to deal with, whether we like it or not. Learning how to deal with it is something she has to do.

She might well want to come home with you but you're not going to be there. That's a fact. She might actually enjoy her childcare setting (whether that's an after school club or a childminder, whatever) but certainly, not giving it a chance shouldn't be an option, and you not doing your degree shouldn't be an option.

Is it possible for her to start going into the childcare placement before you start your placement, so that she gets used to it sooner rather than later (even one day a week or something)?

Would a nanny/au pair be an option? With two children, this may work out comparably, cost-wise. Or a childminder, perhaps? Something which is small with not many children, especially in a home environment, might be easier for her. And if possible keep her with her brother so that she has that constant.

I think that she will be fine, once you do it. It is hard when they are like this especially the first time. But it's not your role as a parent to prevent her from ever being upset, it's your role to help her through these times and help her develop the skills necessary to cope with it.

Agree. Do the course. I think there comes a point where the only way you prove to a nervous type that they can cope with change and they are strong and capable is to put them outside of their comfort-zone and let them get on with it. It also boosts their confidence to think 'I did it'. If you keep pulling them out of situations that make them unsure, they never get that experience and they never build that confidence.

Repeatedly tell her 'you can do it', let her meet the after/before school team in advance. And make it clear there's no alternative. Help her develop confidence further by exposing her to more age-appropriate challenges and resisting the temptation to treat her as delicate.

Good luck

I would second what flisspaps says. DD1 is very sensitive and change averse. She used to go to after school club at a nursery 2 days a week and never liked it, endured rather than enjoyed I'd say, but changed at the start of this year, Y2, to go to a CM who takes a whole gaggle of children from school. She loves going and has made new friends as a result. So definitely invest time in finding childcare that suits her (assuming there's more than one option open) but don't assume she won't enjoy it, eventually.

youngminds.org.uk were very helpful when we had similar with dd. Hope they can help you. Also try place2be for support in school

It's unthinkable that you should not start the degree because of this. If nothing else it is a valuable inspiration for her and a role model about education.
I wonder if fear of the unknown is worse than fear of the known. So, "going into childcare" sounds scarier than "being picked up by Paula and going to her house to do your homework". What I trying to say is, identifying the childcarer and making her familiar early would be beneficial.
I wonder also, are you yourself a little bit unsure about the course and expressing this through your dd? It is normal for you bothcto be unsettled by something new, but important to distinguish between your own concerns and dd's fears. Do ignore this if it sounds too armchair psychology-y.

Thank you so much for all the replies [needy sob] you are all right with your advice, I do need to expose her to situations that arent in her comfort zone necessarily. I am nervous about the course and I thought I was keeping that as a separate issue but there probably is a little bit of crossover anxiety about it all! A nanny or au pair is not an option unfortunately as funds won't allow it. The best case scenario would be having someone look after them in their own home. The childminder I was considering can only have then on 2 days and I didn't want to have them going to different places. I will look at those websites linked. Sorry I can't thank posters by name as I'm mn-ing on my phone and can't refer back but you've all been incredibly helpful.

Peggoty you need to be strong and encourage your daughter to be independent.

There is a very sweet shy girl in DDs class. My DD and some of the others have come to see their role as protecting her and every one has got used to treating her very gently.

This was all very well when they were in Y3, but in Y6 with roles being taken within school and secondary looming, I'm not sure the type casting is anything as like as healthy.

Everyone expects the shy child to want to take a back seat and the confident ones are allowed to shine. Teachers are busy people, if my DD or one of the other two forceful girls, volunteers to do something Miss is liable to opt for the easy life.