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Parenting

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Original poster

fighting your children's battles

16 replies

Mala · 02/02/2006 12:01

I have a 3 year old dd and always supervise her closely when we are out and about. If she is playing with other children(eg. in an indoor playcentre, parks, at someone's house etc) and grabs something or doesn't take her turn, I make sure she gives it back and plays nicely. However, I find that alot of parents don't keep an eye on their children(or don't care) and she will get things grabbed off her or be pushed. I do step in many times and say something to the other child, however,I do feel a bit awkward. What do you do in these types of situations?
Also at nursery she sometimes says that another child will say "I don't want to be your friend" or "Go away". I know all this is perfectly normal, I just feel sometimes that it upsets me more than it should. I want to teach her to deal with rejection and comfort her, but not make a big deal about it iykwim.
Interested to know if people just leave their kids to get on with it or take a more active role.

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jenkel · 02/02/2006 12:10

It does annoy me when other parents dont keep their eye on their own children. My dd is a very gentle child and I know that she will never be aggressive to any other children. But I do insure that she shares toys etc. If another child 'picks' on her, I watch, dont intervene immediately, see if she can cope with the situation herself, if its starts to get rough I then intervene.

jenkel · 02/02/2006 12:12

Oh and if I caught my dd saying "Go Away" to another child I would pull her to one side and explain that its not a very nice thing to say etc. But not quite sure how to deal with it if its your child it was dealt to, I think they just have to learn how to cope with it themselves, however tough that may seem.

mszebra · 02/02/2006 13:55

I stand up for my kids and don't let them get pushed around. I think that's part of being their parent. I will tell off someone else's child, but try to do it in a "No Joe! Don't do that. Please don't take toys away from Tommy. That's not fair, is it? Let's all play nicely, instead, ok?" kind of tone. Rather than "Stop that you little brat!" which may be what I'm really thinking....

I suppose if my child heard "Go away" I'd say to my kid "Well, I guess they weren't feeling very nice today, were they? Are there nicer people you can play with instead?"

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suzywong · 02/02/2006 13:57

Mala, wait til you have your next child, you will take it all in your stride and put in to a different perspective. ie let them get on with it but be direct and efficient to kids being out of order to yours. IME anyway that is

lazycow · 02/02/2006 15:01

Like everything I'd say this is a balance. I actually think it is best to leave kids to sort things out for themselves as much as possible. Be on hand though, and if it looks like it is getting out of hand - maybe then step in.

Arguments over who has a toy and grabbing things off each other are very common and sometimes I think kids get less upset if something is taken off them than we do - they sometimes do the same thing themselves so maybe take it less personally. Obviously if one of them seems really upset then maybe that is the time to step in.

lua · 02/02/2006 15:12

This is a very interesting discussion. I usually come back for the park fumming! There are always big kids that are rough with little ones and piss me off! I do the same as you with my DD. She is very shy though and not very willing to stand for herself. In one hand I think is good for her to see me picking fight so she learns that is OK to stand for herself. Other times I worry that she is the way she is because I over protect her....
I suspect I'll be very different with DS. He just seem unfazed by what anyone else is doing, and very focused in accomplish what he wants.
But maybe is just the syndrome of the second kid as SW said...

Twiglett · 02/02/2006 15:12

agree with suzy .. totally and completely

but then she is always right

Twiglett · 02/02/2006 15:14

what do you mean by 'big kids' who are rough .. if you're going daytime during termtime then big kids are what? 4? .. not much difference between a 3 year old and a 4 year old

anniemac · 02/02/2006 15:29

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lua · 02/02/2006 15:29

I am a bad mummy...I only go to the park on weekends...
So there are 5 - 6 sometimes 12 year olds that for some stupid reason go to the young childrens toys. Would love to know why!

but tbh, a normal 4 year old could be much bigger than my dd. She just turn 3 and is bellow 9% for age and height. Besides I think is more the attitude.. I have seen 4-5 year olds basic trampling over her to go down the slide because she just won't stand her ground when bigger kids are around...

lua · 02/02/2006 15:33

I'm sorry Annie, but if a strange adult would come and take something out of my hand it will not be seen as good behaviour.
I am probably too precious myself, but I think is never too early to learn about personal space...

anniemac · 02/02/2006 15:44

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anniemac · 02/02/2006 15:46

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jenkel · 02/02/2006 16:10

It probably is normaly behaviour when children snatch toys. But it is very hard for a parent to watch if they have a very quiet child who shrugs it off. I tend not to intervene unless it is done in an agressive manor or my dd seems to be upset over it.

I have one dd who is very quiet and another who is very outgoing. I would not let the outgoing one snatch another toy, if I seen her doing it I would make sure she was fully aware that it was a naughty thing to do.

Also, I believe the outgoing children need to learn that not all children are the same and they may not like cuddles/kisses etc.

I guess it helps for me to have children that are complete opposites, I can see both sides.

Original poster

Mala · 02/02/2006 20:48

It's really interesting reading the replies. I as she is my first and an only child I am very protective. She is small for her age too and can physically be shoved out of the way easily. I teach her to share, not to push and grab, but it is hard for her to play with other children who do this and she will get things taken away from her, which I think isn't fair.
While she was playing in a sandpit, this other bigger girl came and started to grab her spade and bucket. I had to grab it back from this little girl and it turned out to be a tussle. It felt wrong for me as an adult to be taking something off a child and feel it should be her parents job to supervise.
Ofcourse I know at nursery she has to standup for herself, but feel when she is with me it's a case of "Mummy will protect you"!!

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Troutpout · 06/02/2006 22:08

Agree with Suzy...although used to be exactly like you Mala with baby no 1
Upshot was that baby no1 never really learnt to fight his own battles untill he had to do it himself (why should he?...mummy always did it for him?). I still keep an eye on baby no2...but am must less likely to jump in...i wanna see how she handles it...coz i may not be there next time it happens at playgroup for example.
I think a little bit of practice is a good thing

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