Come and help me BertieBotts and company please, I don't know what to do any more. Behaviour issues

[MsBakingCakes]

DD is 2.7 years old and I think I am getting it completely wrong at the moment or deos that seem.

I am separated from her dad almost a year ago now and everytime she comes back it is a nightmare. We have different parenting approaches. He will give her sweets, ice creams and I have just discover that even fizzy drinks as well as tea because he strongly believes it is ok and does not affect DD bahaviour at all

She has been screaming instead of talking before she went with him but since she has been back (a week now) she won't talk and will only scream no stop. She has also started to hit me which she has never done before.

My reaction when she screams is to explain her that she needs to talk nicely and if she shouts it hurts my ears and I cannot understand her but it is not working. I have also told her that once she speaks nicely I will speak with her and I ignore her until she speak nicely which does not work at all (I don't blame her ). I have found myself using parental techniques which I do not agree at all in a desparate way to try to change things with no success which I can understand but I do not know what else to do at the moment.

I know it must be difficult for her to be with me and then go to her dad's and I tried to explain her that I do not go away and that I am always waiting for her to come back but it does not seem to work. She seems very angry at the moment and I feel helpless and not sure how to help her. She goes to see her dad every 8 weeks(we live in different parts of the country).

We live with my DP and she has always loved it but suddenly she is saying that she does not like him. I know I cannot force her to interact with him but before she went with her dad she loved playing with him and reading books together and doing things both of them. She is very clinggy at the moment and she keep sayint to me "mama look/watch me". She expects me to be behind her all the time and keeps calling me every few seconds (literatelly) even when I am behind her and not saying anything to me, I guess she is just checking that I am still with her.

I am lost and not sure where to go from here. I am not at all into punishment, rewards, stickers, etc... I have never used them but UP does not seem to be working at the moment and I am feeling a bit down as I feel helpless and that I am failing her. I also am angry at the moment with her and I do not like it.

So can someone come and help me please. I need to sort myself out before I can help her but I am running out of ideas and not sure what to do anymore.

Thanks for reading, any ideas are more than welcome

I think you're doing the right things and just have to be persistent and consistent. Attention-seeking behaviour is more likely if she feels insecure or overlooked. You have to provide security by sticking to your guns and being just the same as you are the rest of the time. If anything, over-reward good behaviour... 'isn't it better when we can talk together nicely and have fun?'... because that is a powerful message.

Perhaps the visits could be postponed until she's older and better able to cope with the disruption?

whenever she hurts you ask her how she would feel if you did the same to her once she has responded if she said she wouldnt like it say right so please dont do it to me

                   p.s i really hope that helps it worked on mine!

Baskingseals: I am already using that approach and even though she says she would not like it she keeps doing it to me so not sure it is working.

CogitoErgoSometimes: I have also tried to explain her that when she behaves the way she does I do not feel like playing or doing anything with her but it does not work. I have alo told her that it is easier when we talk nicely to each other because then we can have fun and she does not seem to get it. Regarding visiting, I have mention to her dad her behaviour in the past and his answer is that she alsways behaves very well with him and she never has a tantrum. The only thing he points out is that it is not normal that she has so many tantrums with me . He would not agree to stop visits because it is the only way he can still control me some how, he is a very controlling person and not very nice tbh.

Thanks both of you for your advice. Any other ideas please?

bump

I feel for you, I really do. A very close friend of mine has a similar situation. Does your DD stay overnight with her Dad? I presume she does. If it's only every 8 weeks or so, could he be persuaded to come to your hometown and maybe stay in a local travelodge or something so that she can at least come home for her evening routine and bedtime? She could still see him on both days then, but it would be less of a disruption for her?

I think it's also worth discussing with her Dad what is and isn't OK. You might have to compromise on something (decide what's the least of a problem for you - sweets/ice cream/fizzy drinks/tea) but then at least as far as DD is concerned both Mummy and Daddy say yes to something but also no to something.

Agree with what Cogito said though. At least if you're being consistent she knows what will fly and what won't at home, even if she's not responding at the moment. She will in time. I guess in the meantime repeat "This too shall pass"?

Big hugs.

thanks twinkleinmyeye. DD sleeps at her dad's when she goes with him. I have tried to explain him that situation but he won't accept anything. The optionof him coming over it is not possible because he is not willing to do it. He says it is very expensive and he does not like those type of hotel. He has come once to spend the weekend with her and it worked very well even though she slept ith him in the bed and breakfast.

I have also tried to discuss with him what is acceptable and not with not much luck either.

Something that worries me a bit is that she has came back this time saying that she does not like my partner when she has never said anything like this before. I guess she must have heart not very nice comments when she has been him this time. It is very dfficult to be able to work together with him as he is the type of person that knows everything and is never wrong.

Thanks again

Hmm. What a pain that he's not taking your views on board. You sound like you're being really reasonable. There looks like there might be some good info here, specifically the last two leaflets. Or try the Family Mediation helpline - 0845 60 26 627.

As for DD saying she doesn't like your partner, I think try not to rise to the bait if you know they have a good relationship at home. Again, my friend has had exactly the same issue with her DD and she just grew out of it. Just respond as you would if DD said she didn't like you. I normally say "that's a shame because I love you!". I understand you thinking she's heard some bad comments about DP, but it may just be her way of letting you know she's a bit confused by the setup. As long as you and your DP know he has a good relationship with her, just carry on as normal. She'll appreciate the stability, eventually!

:)

Thanks twinkleinmyeye. I will check the link you sent me. I tried twice to go to mediation with ExP but he never came, he thought it was a waste of time and money [confuse].

She does seem a lot better for the last couple of days and DP is saying exactly what you suggested "that's ok but I love you" and if she says it to me I am telling her more or less the same and she has stopped saying it already. I know that she does not mean it realy because she loves playing with him and they are back at playing and reading books and having fun together.

Thanks again for the advice, very helpful

Glad things have improved. :) just to warn you though that my friend's DD seems to repeat her behaviour pattern every time she goes to her dad's but it does always pass. All the best luck to you and DP. :)

Thanks.

We have already realised that this behaviour repeat every time she comes back but this time round it was very bad for a week and then it got better which means that at least it getting sorter the amount of time she needs to adjust here.

Thanks again