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Parenting

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Original poster

Is your DP/DH better now your children are older?

16 replies

Diamondgirls · 16/03/2012 22:03

My DP is pretty rubbish when it comes to DD who is 6 months old. I know he loves her but he's just not INTERESTED in her. He doesn't want to spend time with her on his own or play with her and just expects me to do everything baby related.

I'm not really bothered about nappy changes or getting up in the night, I just want him to want to spend time with her like I do. it's not like he goes out with his mates every night, he stays in with us....

So basically my question is: is your DP/DH better with your children now that they are older?

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ShowMethePony · 16/03/2012 22:11

No he's always been really interested in him, although it is easier for me as I am at home so know ds's little ways better.

Do you think he is scared he'll do the wrong thing - accidently hurt her or make her cry and not be able to calm her or something? Or he just can't be arsed with the mess etc.

You say you know he loves her but he has to show her that by looking after and playing with her. Have you spoken to him about it?

bronze · 16/03/2012 22:13

Mine keeps improving. I think he felt redundant when ds1 was a baby because he wanted to feed twenty four hours a day and was breast fed. And then it wasn't til ds2 was born that it switched something on in him that he needed to do more. Now we have four he has no choice but to do his bit

bronze · 16/03/2012 22:14

Toddlers are more fun anyway.

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Original poster

Diamondgirls · 16/03/2012 22:16

We are quite young (I know that's no excuse) so I think he is a bit scared about doing it wrong. I've spoken to him about it loads but he just says he's tired when he comes home from work and feels stupid talking to a baby.

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Original poster

Diamondgirls · 16/03/2012 22:17

I breastfeed too so he's always been less involved with things

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workshy · 16/03/2012 22:19

my now ex didn't really 'get' the dcs until they were nearly 4, now they are 8&10 he gets on with them brilliantly am I actually praising my ex? and does all the fun stuff that little children just can't do

BoysInCoatheads · 16/03/2012 22:21

Nope, DH has always been hands on.

You need to talk to him and tell him that he needs to put some effort into developing his own bond with your DD.

ShowMethePony · 16/03/2012 23:01

Well I'd say something like, I do stuff wrong too its fine as long as she is safe, I'm also tired when you get home (he gets days off I presume?) and well, how do you expect her to learn to talk if we don't talk to her?

What is he into - sport or music say - tell him he can explain the details of who is the better team, the plot of this new film, you know the stuff he bores talks to you about. Doesn't have to be baby talk.

And by that age bf babies can go hours if someone is entertaining them. How about he does bathtime or Sunday morning push in the pram?

ohbugrit · 16/03/2012 23:06

It's two separate things - hands on stuff like doing the nappy changes is one thing but clicking with them and getting pleasure from their company is different. DH was hands on and loving from the start but found it tough and unrewarding. Once they hit toddlerhood he falls in love with them. It's gorgeous to watch. :)

ipanicked · 16/03/2012 23:09

Yes definitely! I promise it gets easier as soon as they start interacting and even better when they start talking. DH admitted eventually that he found DS utterly boring as a baby and looking after him rather soul destroying.

I think the not doing any of the childcare is a different issue though - DH still did loads despite how he felt. Is it this that's bothering more do you think, or the lack of bonding or a bit of both?

Original poster

Diamondgirls · 16/03/2012 23:19

I do sometimes get a bit resentful that I do everything and he does nothing but it's more about the bonding. That's the important thing I think. and I'm used to doing.

He gets weekends off but he's exactly the same. So the tired thing is just an excuse really.

I like the idea of him talking to her about sport ect. I'll tell him to try it.

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NCIS · 18/03/2012 05:28

I have to say my DH was useless when mine were tiny but then came into his own once they could reliably sit up. Until then he had never bathed them and even changed nappies reluctantly.
When they were about nine months old he was more than happy to do baths and nappy changes and play with them. They're all teenagers now and his relationship with them is brilliant. I think he just found tiny babies a bit scary but it didn't affect his bond with them in the least.

lucindapie · 19/03/2012 06:43

it would be great if he could enjoy being a parent, but that's extra really! Lack of interest shouldn't stop him from doing his fair share of the practical stuff like nappy changes, or taking baby for a walk so you can have some relaxing time!
Your DH may be tired from work, but so must you be, after a full day with a baby , so that's not a very good excuse.
My DH likes being around my DD and playing with her, but then he does like doing silly stuff, (a big kid himself!)

nooka · 19/03/2012 06:53

Neither my dh nor I enjoyed the baby stage very much, but he didn't really have much choice about looking after them (not that he has ever skived off domestic duties, that would be more likely me ) because I was so desperate to hand them over when I was on maternity leave and he was working.

I think that with really small babies you have to do the hands on care in order to bond, and that starts with nappy changes etc. I bf but dh's specialty was jiggling dd to sleep. I've friends that chose to go to a class, or for their dh to go to a class with their children (baby gym type things) in order to have a bit of time for themselves and to make sure their partners had time on their own with the baby. Sometimes it's really important for the not at home parent to have some time when they are in charge to learn how to do things their own way.

Klinda · 19/03/2012 10:30

Some DPs just find it hard to relate to a baby and find it easier once they can walk and talk but I think you should just show him how gorgeous a baby can be. You should organise to meet friends for lunch or go shopping and leave DD with your DP, the more time he has with her on his own the more he'll bond with her. DPs often feel like they can't get involved when mummy is watching in case they do something 'wrong'. Throw him in at the deepend and hopefully he'll start to bond.
Or you could try giving them an activity to do together at the weekend, like swimming and hopefully they'll have tons of fun. :)

ItsAroundHereSomewhere · 19/03/2012 10:55

DP was fairly rubbish with dd1 until I went back to work when she was about 10 months old. He gradually got better as he had to start doing more with her, but also she started giving more back iykwim?

She's 2 now and they're very close. He's crap with dd2 though, but as she's only 4 months I'm sure he'll get better.

He did confide in me he finds small babies a bit dull. I see his point and try not to worry about it too much. I know he loves dd2 and I'm sure their relationship will develop as she grows up like it has with dd1.

I agree with klinda that you should leave him with the baby a bit more. And try not to criticise the way he does things even if it's just plain wrong not the way you'd do it. Just 'suggest ' there might be a better easier way like yours

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