Anyone here not maternal?

[lilmssunshine84]

Hi I wanted to ask all the mummies on here-

Do you cherish every moment of your baby and really enjoy motherhood?

I love my son, he is everything and more than I could have ever wanted and ....but I dont feel this immesurable bond with him as I am supposed to. When we leave him with my parents for the evening....i dont pine on the phone or keep checking up on him (my husband does that).....and at night, i have never had to get up and check on him or feed him (my hubby does that)

Is that bad? should i be cherishing every second? My mother in law always goes on about the times she missed with her kids, how she wishes she could have it back......how it was the happiest in her life.

But i dont feel like that....I was happy before he came along, I am happy when i was pregnant with him, i am happy now with my laxed parenting....and i will be happy when he grows up and leaves home.

does anyone else here made to feel guilty for their detached parenting?

I do cherish every moment and we have a pretty good relationship. I call him when I'm away on business, try not to smother the poor kid the rest of the time, but he knows at some level that I'd take a bullet for him. (Expect you would do that for yours too if you're honest) I think what your MIL is talking about is nostalgia... and that's not something I spend a lot of time on. I'm far happier thinking about DS's future and enjoying his increasing independence than mulling over baby pictures or wishing he was a toddler again. Maybe in 20 years time we'll both be sentimental old ladies, who knows?

Yes, I really enjoy motherhood, but that doesn't make it a problem if you feel differently. I feel very bonded to my child, I think it might be a problem if you feel too detached, but that's only for you to know, really. As long as your child is fed, cared for and loved the rest is just details.

But, there's nothing in your op that sounds like someone else is making you feel guilty, just saying that they feel differently. If you're happy with how things are then don't worry about it.

YANBU.

hi there

My son is 9 months. Lovely little boy and i adore him....yes i will take a bullet for him without a doubt

I suppose it is a touch complacency- because my hubby does everything, i have got used to him checking up on him and looking after him at nights- but i know if my darling hubby wasnt there, i will step up (hope that doesnt happen because my hubby is the centre of our worlds)

i suppose there is this 'motherly' expectation, a label women have to conform to- such as staying up all night with the baby, taking the dominant parenting role- so when the mother is the secondary parent, people think something is not right.

The only expectation to conform appears to be in your mind. Most of us just get on with being mothers the way we see fit. We're not playing to the gallery.

I don't think I'm very maternal. I love my DD, but I don't want to spend all my time with her and I don't miss her when I don't see her for a day (which has only happened once or twice since she was born).

And yes, I too worry that this means I'm not a good enough mother. It's easy to say don't worry about what other people think, not so easy to actually not care IMO.

If it was the other way round, and you were saying your husband loves your son but doesn't phone to check up on him, see to him in the night etc it would be perfectly normal.

If you love your son and you and your family are all happy, then you are maternal enough.

Thank you MetalHead- thats exactly how I feel and I suppose I question what that means. Thank you, nice to know I am not alone. and Rita you are right-i guess when it comes to women there is an expectation and a woman who is not completely immersed in the motherly role is seen an 'abnormal' or not a good mother which is a completely flawed concept.

Thanks ladies, we are happy and doing ok...at the end of the day maybe thats all that matters

I feel like this too. I love my baby. Alot. But I dont have that 'special bond' with her that seems tp be expected of me if you know what I mean? even though I do 100% of the caring for her.

I meant to add... I feel guilty about it too. But I do pretend we hav that bond to people.

I'm not at all maternal, DS was a (happy) accident I never really wanted a child; when he was younger I felt as you describe, could easily go away without him and not worry. My bond developed over time and now I dread the thought of him leaving home. DS has grown into a lovely young man and I'm very proud of him. You're a mum for life, so what if you get off to a bit of a slow start.

As long as you care about him, then I don't think there's any problem at all in not being totally focussed on him the whole time. You don't worry about him when you're out - that's because you are confident that you have left him with people who can be trusted to look after him. It would be a problem if you left him in his cot while you left the house, or with random strangers you have no reason to trust.

Same with not checking on him at night - you know he is in a carefully-chosen cot in a room of a suitable temperature, without anything of danger round about him.

There's a huge spread between parents who don't actually worry about their child's welfare in the slightest, through ones who make sensible choices but don't obsess, through to ones who can't focus on anything else. So long as you don't "not care" then don't worry about it if you're not as "maternal" as stereotypes seem to say you should be.

It also changes over time - plenty of people are a bit "meh" about the baby stages (while making sure their child is well looked after) but then find themselves fascinated by their toddler, or school-age child.

I felt similar to you when DD was 9 months.

I loved her but I didn't really fall properly head over heels in love with her till she was about 18 months if I'm honest.

I think I needed time to get to know who she was. Looking back I wonder if I had a touch of PND as well, although I was convinced I was fine at the time

I too question my maternal streak as I get bored at home on mat leave, when friends say to me Oh you must be loving your mat leave I want to shout out its been the hardest bloody 6 months of my life and I am secretly looking forward to going back to work! I have a close friend who comes round and says she would be happy to play with her baby all day! (She is currently TTC) Then I feel shit and class myself as a bad mother.

YANBU. I will also be happy when mine grows up and leaves home. It didn't help that I didn't bond with my DS for at least the first 6 months.
I love him more than life, I would die for him in a heartbeat and he is the most special person to me in the world, but I hate being a mum. Does that make sense?
Thanks, OP. It's nice to know others feel similar and I'm not just a freak.

thanks ladies....you are all very special

I hate mat leave, i cant wait to go back to work....its not that i loved my work, i didnt...i just hated waking up in the morning to think of a whole day with baby.

I think i will be a better mother to him when he is older.....only so much u can do with a little baby. I too felt like there was something wrong with me when everyone kept saying how lucky/happy i must be on mat leave- i wanted to shout at them saying that it was an ordeal if anything :)