Doing it all wrong?

[BabCNesbitt]

DD is 4.5mo, and we still haven't got any kind of routine in place. She breastfeeds on demand, but there's no apparent pattern to her feeding - a few minutes here, half an hour there, and anything from twice to several times a night. She co-sleeps with us, but we can only get her to go to bed if we do, so she winds up staying up until 10 or 11 at night. No regular nap times, either - in fact, she never naps unless we're out in the carrier or I've fed her to sleep. It feels like I've left it too late to put a routine in place, and frankly I'd have no idea what to do or how to go about it now.

It's not just the routine thing. I feel like I'm just not bonding with her. I'm fortunate in that DH has been around a lot over the last couple of months (we've just moved to a new country, but things have been chaotic for about a month), and he does the majority of the nappy changes and plays with her a lot during the day. Sometimes there are days where the only times I have any contact with her are when I'm feeding her - DH has her the rest of the time. He's great at chatting with her, singing, making her laugh. I don't know how to play with her or keep her amused, and I worry that I'm either too in-her-face or not involved enough. I get bored and distracted and want to get back to the computer, and then beat myself up for not being properly present with her. But he's got to go back to work soon, and I'm dreading having to be with her on my own all day - I've no idea what I'll do. I just feel disconnected from her so much of the time. It's not that I don't want her around; I'm just stressing all the time that I have no clue how to be nurturing and give her a proper structure and secure attachment and all that - you know, the basic stuff that mothers are meant to do. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck her up by not being loving enough (a bit like my own parents did!) and I don't know how not to be a selfish bitch/crap mother.

Sorry, I didn't mean this to turn into such a long post! Just needing to get this off my chest - I've spoken to DH about it, but don't want to keep harping on to him ad nauseam.

I think the two things are linked. Most people say the hardest period is the time before their child settles into some kind of sleep/wake/feed pattern, especially when you throw in broken nights. Because they're constantly on the go demanding your attention, there's no down-time or chance to relax and it's a really difficult phase. The longer that period carries on I would say the harder it is to settle back and 'enjoy' your baby. But it doesn't mean you don't love he. This phase doesn't last for ever and, don't worry, they are very resilient creatures that don't remember very much from this point of their life - probably because Mother Nature knows that we're learning what to do and are likely to get it wrong sometimes. :)

If you want to develop a routine at this stage I would suggest you start with the daytime naps. Feeding to sleep is good. Then give her a nice quiet, comfortable spot to sleep out the nap. If you know she goes to sleep in her carrier (or car seat or out in a pram), take her out at the same times every day until it becomes a habit. A combination of going with her natural behaviour and manipulating it so that it becomes a regular thing will eventually turn into a routine. I'd also recommend setting up a regular bed-time routine. For my baby at that age it was a last feed about 6pm, a long splash in a warm bath, cosy in PJs, a final drink, and popped in his cot in a darkened bedroom. It didn't matter if he didn't go to sleep straight away, just as long as he was happy, clean, lying down, quiet, and feeling warm and full. Yours might settle better in the same room as others.

Good luck and try not to worry. Take advantage of any offers to catch up on your sleep and I'm sure you'll feel better.

Another thought. When DH is back at work, please don't think you have to play and interact with a baby all day. They are quite happy with the normal interaction of nappy changes and feeds and, other than that, they are equally happy watching you do whatever it is you're doing. Just keep her reasonably close, show her what you're doing and chat to her as you go about your day. Let's go in the garden & put the washing on the line shall we? Oh look, there's a bird in the tree.... etc. If there are mother and baby groups where you live, they are a good thing to get involved in. Nothing keeps a baby amused like other babies.... and you get adult company which is so important.

Hi! What an awful feeling. It must be hard and you must be feeling very guilty towards her and your hubbie.

Now. Like Cogito says: you don't have to entertain her all the time. I move my son (3 months old) from teh baby gym to the play pen, to the sofa and sometimes I just walk around with him a bit and tell what I see. Sometimes I talk to him about insignificant stuff. It doesn't matter, he doesn't understand. So don't worry. And the bonding thing will be there at some point. I just started to feel that bond, and that warm tingly feeling in my heart since last week. But hey, you are tired. Lack of sleep can ruin a lot.

Babies can't be pushed into a routine. Our son sometimes wakes up three times a night, and sometimes only once. I feed on demand too. To make it easier for yourself is to give in to the situation and just go with the flow. Remember, that babies can only stay up for 2/3 hours. Make sure you don't miss the signs. As soon as you see a yawn or eye rubbing.... sing her a song, or somekind of naptime routine and put her to bed.

I found it very difficult, that my life changed so much. Like you, I don't live in my home country. So no family around, no friends which makes being at home all day (because you don't have anywhere to go) a challenge (not to say insane). Try to meet up with other mums or maybe there are organisations who can give you some information.

Most important thing: letting go. It will all be fine and you are doing a great job!! Don't feel guilty; besides a mum you still are you're own person.

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for responding - I was having a particularly bad night when I posted, very homesick, but your replies were very reassuring. DH is back at work next week, so I'm going to try 'going with her natural behaviour and manipulating it so that it becomes a regular thing' (seems sensible, but just hadn't occurred to me!) I guess I just need to be more disciplined, too - not in the Gina Ford sense, but rather, trying to get better at actually paying attention and getting to know DD's signs better rather than zoning out or relying on DH to calm her down if she gets upset. Feels like it'll definitely be worth it!

Good luck. FWIW I found that having these regular nap-times - or even just quiet times if they're not actually napping - meant the baby was less likely to get upset. Putting them down for a rest when they seem pretty awake and happy is better than battling to calm them down when they've got over-tired and cranky.

I also found that my son started to become more interesting after 4 months so you may find it easier to play with your DD in the coming months as she changes so rapidly.

The advice you've already been given about routines is very good. But don't feel guilty about what you 'should' do. Put a routine in place if it helps you, don't stress if it doesn't.