Don't know how to be a good mom to 2 - advice please!

[RudyDudy]

Will try not to make this really long....DS is 2.3 and DD is 3 months. From day 1 loved being a mom to DS and have always had a great time with him, doing lots of things, seeing people, etc. Now that I have 2 I feel useless at keeping them both happy and it makes me panicky and anxious when I know I have a full day with both of them and nothing planned. DS is in nursery 3xpw so it's not even all week but I just don't know what to do with them that will be entertaining and keep DS happy and will fit in with DD feeding, sleeping, etc. I seem to find it much harder to think of things to do with DS now when before it didn't seem to be an effort at all.

I know it sounds trivial compared to lots of things other people deal with but it is really upsetting me that I feel that I can be a great mom to one child at a time but not to both of them at the same time.

If anyone has any advice I would really welcome it.

It doesn't sound trivial at all and is one of the things that has stopped me from having another baby yet. I will be very interested to see what advice you get rudy (love your name btw )

I just wondered if you might perhaps be a little depressed? The panicky feelings, feeling useless etc. can be a sign of depression so it could be wise to talk to someone about it.

I feel like this alot. I can be a fantastic mom to the kids but only when I have one at a time! Then I can give him all my attention and really take notice of him.

When they are together its like you are spilt between them, there needs are so different at that age. You have the same gap between yours as i do.

Mine are now 3 and nearly 2 and it is so much better, we read stories, build with bricks, do colouring. Because DS2 is older now he can play with DS1 and I dont feel so stretched anymore. It will get better esspecially as they get older and can do things together.

You're not alone! It's difficult as you cannot split yourself in two! The things you can do together are stuff like going for a walk, going to the park, going to a Wacky Warehouse type place where they have the soft toy place for young babies and the older one can go in the toddlers toy place (better during the week when quieter). They can have a bath together too. But generally it's impossible to play with two differently aged children at once. It will become easier, but not for a while I'm afraid. Go out lots, don't set yourself goals that are unattainable, they don't need your undivided attention all the time. Now is when your 2.3 year old finds out about sharing! But I doubt he'll like it!

Just take comfort from the fact that we all feel this way!

I have a 2.2 year DS and a 4 month DD and I know what you mean about feeling worried when there is a day with nothing planned. Ds is also in nursery 2 days a week (one of them is today) and I sometimes find myself not looking forward to Thursdays as it is the start of having them both for two days (and then I feel bad for enjoying having time with just DD)

I am finding that going with the flow is OK sometimes and am now trying to treat Thursday as a "chilling" day and not worry when we seem to have achieved nothing at all.

Sorry I am not offering any solutions, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone

Thank you for the messages. It really does help to know that other people feel the same way. I keep telling myself that in time it will be get easier and that we chose this age gap for a reason but then I feel guilty about wishing this time away - can't win!

DS is definitely finding it all quite hard as well and the tantrums have started which I find very emotionally draining which also isn't helping. He used to be up for going out all the time but at the moment there are some days when it is a battle just to get him dressed let alone persuade him he wants to go the park!

That is exactly how I have started to feel about Thursdays PC. I like the idea of a "chilling" day - I'm sure DS would appreciate it after 3 days at nursery. I think if I could learn to "go with the flow" a bit more then I might be more relaxed! Didn't realise being a mom would mean an entire personality transplant

Rudydudy, the fact that you are thinking so much about keeping them both happy shows what a lovely mum you must be. So don't feel bad for sturggling, I honestly think that if you accept that you are trying to do the impossible then maybe you'll take the pressure of yourself a little bit? As others have said things always change over time and I think it is simply a case of getting through this time as best you can - not 'wishing it away' but accepting that it's hard! I'm sure it will pay off when you see the rewards of the close sibling relationship they're likely to have.

Thanks beasmum - that was such a kind thing to write. I am finding it hard and feel like I am still adjusting to having two kids and all the emotions that entails. I was expecting it to be hard work from a practical and logistical point of view but I really wasn't prepared for how hard it would hit me emotionally. Will try to be more "chilled" about it but worrying is my thing so that will probably be my biggest challenge!!

I have a newly 3 yo and 5.5 year old dds- it is not always possible to satisfy "all the people all the time". They actually got on quite well until recently when dd2 left babyhood and became more assertive, plus she is automatically "cuter" to outsiders because younger so dd1's nose is well out of joint. Before this I found Gina Ford's book on Baby to Toddler helpful on siblings, even if you ignore all the scheduling advice. I actually got advice from Gina Ford (!) on the phone that I must make separate time for the older one, if no one around to take dd2 away then she must go to bed earlier, or during her nap time which she still usually has. It made a huge difference-DD1 treasures this time with me, we read longer story books in chapters or do homework, it doesn't matter as long as she gets the one to one with a parent. If I let that slip, she suffers, and dd2 misbehaves more too. DD1 also often goes on her own to granny's for holidays, like this halfterm. Just to tell you, things change all the time and you will need to keep on your toes later too! But it won't be so bad, every day is different. The older one needs a space in your head that the demands of the baby will always try to fill up first.

In short, pay more attention to the older child-he needs it more and will continue to-the younger one won't miss what she never had for a long while, and most 2nd kids I know of are more laid back anyway (probably as a result of being less "fussed" by the adults in their life!)