Help needed - ds's upsetting reaction to his great-grandparents.

[VickyandAlistair]

Hi, in need some some advice please -

Background - ds is 17 months old. I went back to work 4 days a week when he was 6 months old, and his weekly routine looks like this:

Monday - looked after by my MIL all day.
Tuesday - my dm has him in the morning, and my dh's grandparents have him in the afternoon.
Wednesday - my dm has him all day
Thursday - I have him
Friday - either dh, or if he is working, my sister.
Sat - me again
Sun - Me and dh.

I realise that this looks like a lot of chopping and changing, but it has been exactly the same for the last 11 months of ds's life. He adores his extended family (me and dh actually live with my dad, gran and brother while we are saving for a deposit, so he is almost raised alongside our extended family)

Problem is the Tuesdays - he goes off happy as a lark to my mums, but it would seem that at half 12pm when my dh's g parents pick him up, he goes ballistic. Screams, clings to my mum, just does NOT want to go. We all laughed it off to begin with, but he does it every week. And dh's g parents are the lovliest souls you could ever meet, they are wonderful people and they absolutely adore ds, I can see that they feel hurt by his reaction to them. Mondays and weds he is also fine, no issue.

Please , how can I make my ds feel more bonded to his great grandparents who do so much for him? I know that he is a toddler and he cannot help his reactions but I just feel so bad for dh's lovely grandparents.

Any advice?

Can you take an afternoons holiday and go with him to the grandparents? Just to make DS a bit more secure, and observe what he's like when he's with them (rather than being collected by them)
I have to say, that my DS2 (27months) loves me to death, however when I pick him up from nursery or the CM, he also goes ballistic! He calms down eventually and remembers that he loves mummy.
It also helps that the nursery have him ready with coat shoes and bag when I arrive. If he's not ready, then attempting to get him ready is an almighty battle!
Bribes help too ;)

Is there any indication of what makes him react in this way? Is he happy to be with them on other occassions? Does he just not like leaving your mum's? Would it be possible to swap so that he goes to his GGPs first and then to your mum's for the afternoon?
What does he do with his GGPs? And where does he go? It could be something as simple as being frightened of something in their house or not liking somewhere they take him.

lynnie, I did try that, we spent an afternoon at his ggps and i didnt see anything that would worry ds. In fact, he seemed to want to 'show off' to me and dh all the time in front of them? He played up and the ggps said that he is never normally badly behaved, it was something about having me and dh and them in the same room..

Seeline, he used to be great with them, have pics of him reading with great granpa, and being held by ggma.. its only recently in the last 2 months or so. I just so want to get to the bottom of it, my mum phoned me at work today to tell me that ds had gone crazy at the sight of dh's ggpa and ggpa had looked quite sad and said 'there he goes again, screaming at the sight of me' :( I cant bear it that they feel so unloved by our ds, who seems to adore everyone else ...

Could your DM take him to a local park or something and swap over with his ggps there? Just a change in the routine might help.....

Might be an idea, there is a park close by. Am going over my dm's later to discuss it so will bring that up.

How is he once they have left your mum's? Is it only the swap over or is he upset the whole afternoon?

They say that he calms down but is still withdrawn and reluctant to let them cuddle him etc. He is a very cuddly baby with everyone else :(

Do you think it could be a smell related thing? Sounds weird I know but I remember hating the smell of my grandparents house. Made me feel uncomfortable. Not sure why - my GPs were lovely. Also found the house a bit scary - again, no idea why except it had a lot of those horrible china animals and shepherdesses staring through glass cabinets!

How is your DS if the GGPs visit your place? Or if you all go out together? Basically, is it the location or the people? Might narrow down the problem...

When does he nap normally? Could he just be very tired when the handover happens and that's enough for something trivial to set him off?

I'd be inclined to mess around with the variables -- e.g. whether your DH's grandparents go to your mother's to pick him up, or she takes him to theirs and stays for 20 minutes or so before leaving, or they do the handover in a neutral location, plus give him a lot more exposure to DH's grandparents and see for yourself how he is with them in a variety of circumstances, plus maybe try changing up the time of handover a little.

How is he with strangers? Is there anything identifiable you can think of that seems to govern whether he immediately "takes to" someone or not?

Did anything change in your circumstances two months ago? Have there been any other changes in his behaviour over that timeframe?

Could something minor have happened when your DH's grandparents picked him up a couple of months ago that seemed/seems trivial to them but has taken on a big significance to him? (e.g. he got scared by a passing cat or a flappy bird, or he got his fingers trapped in a drawer, or...?)

How verbal is he, if at all?

Thanks for replies everyone, much appreciated.

Janoschi, I suppose it is a possibility, but I doubt it, cos dh ggps house smells perfectly fine to me. They are neat freaks, which we are resoundingly NOT at home so perhaps that disconcerts him? I think a day out plan for us and them sounds like a good idea. There is a lovely play park type place very near them, will suggest to dh that we go there on a sunny day with them.

Elephants, they pick him up at 12.30 - he naps from half 10 to 12pm. Perhaps that could be it? He is usually a bit cranky after a nap for a little while. Will also suggest to my dm that she drops him off there next week, see if the reaction is any different.

He isn't overly verbal - says about 40 or 50 words but sporadically, and doesnt really link them yet. I will try and have us all spend more time together . Thanks again :)

I wonder if the problem could be the being taken from your mums house, the thing he doesn't like, rather then actually the going to the great grandparents house.

Can you mum drop him off or they ment elsewhere?

Another vote for being dropped off by your mum (if she's willing). It would avoid the 'being taken away when I'm enjoying myself' feeling, and he could be engaged with playing with the ggps before your mum goes.