Wondering if I should call social services 'on myself'

[Annexious]

I know how judgmental mumsnetters are and I think this is why I'm posting this. To be flagellated. This morning I not only slapped my dd but I slapped her head. I feel like a total and utter piece of shite, you couldn't make me feel more of a failure.

My dc1 just wouldn't get ready for school. We finally left the house knowing we'd be ten minutes late - again. We got up at 7. 2 minutes before we're ready to go my dd always disappears upstairs to get something or do something.

Walking out the gate, dc1 gave dc2 a punch because he was taking too long to open the gate. He instantly started bawling and screeching. I just saw red and gave her a slap but I slapped her head. She is 9. Her hobby is tormenting dc2. She's not happy unless she's taking his stuff, mocking him, pinching him, hiding his books... All the way to school then she taunted me saying 'you lost control, you shouldn't have done that'. I know everybody will obviously say slapping her is wrong and I know they're right. That doesn't help me though. It's not the first time. It's not a disciplining technique but I have done it when I've lost control. I've tried reward charts and so on but we always end up rowing SO much about them, the reward, the stars and whether or not they should be awarded. I find the reward charts become one more thing to battle over and I get so angry at her trying to take control of it.

Last year we saw an educational psychologist who tried to help me. I feel like I can't cope with dd. I confided in a friend this morning and although she was shocked, she advised against ringing social services on myself. I'm not married by the way, so no support, although nobody to condemn me either thankfully. We left her father because ironically he was verbally, emotionally, financially and phsycially abusive to me. I treat my dd the way her father treated me. I get mad if I can't control her. I slap her if I can't control her. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. I've made such a mess of everything. I remember holding her in my arms when she was a month old and thinking that I was going to protect her and love her and nurture her. Jesus. She's my precious daughter and we have no relationship at all and even now as I type this I know I won't be able to prioritise fixing it until something changes. I'm always so busy. Luckily today kids are going to my parents after school so at least there'll be no arguments there. My parents help as much as they can though, and they think my dd is 'challenging' and aren't able to do too much more.

Ok now line up and tell me what a piece of shit I am. I'll feel better in a weird way. I confided in a friend and told her I as 'this' close to calling social services and saying I give up with her I can't do it. She talked me out of it saying we'd never get rid of them. If I did ring them, I wonder would they take one child but leave the other with me? i can cope fine with the younger one. If a passer by saw me hit her head, I would feel I 'deserved' it and I would deal with the repurcussions. But, I don't think ss are going to just take one child to give me a bit of a break. Just supposing I did ring them what would happen?

No real helpful advice except to say go easy on yourself. It's not ideal, and you recognise that you lost control, but I'm sure we've all done something in the heat of the moment that we regret for years afterwards. I still feel guilty about the time I yelled down DS's ear when he was 4 and not listening. He's 16 now (and still doesn't listen!) and can't remember it.

Tomorrow's another day. Can you get advice or help with her behaviour - a reward chart for every day she doesn't torment her brother, or even take her for a girly coffee and cake and apologise to her?

Have a

What Agent said.
Plus

ok you ARE NOT a shit mother. can you get back in touch with the educational psychologist? how about speaking to your hv or gp?

go easy on yourself

Thanks Agent. My friend is going to take dc2 on Thursday so I can go out on my own with dd. I really appreciate that. I'm not looking forward to it mind you. I need to change. I really have to change. The number of times I've said to myself 'I handled that SO badly, never again'. I just have to start doing things better. I don't want to buy her anything as that would be like when her father used to hit me and then buy me something. I used to hate when he said sorry to me, I used to think 'your fuckker - no you're not sorry, hitting devalves your shit, your tension and now you feel calm again, not sorry'.

Glad that your son doesn't remember you roaring in his ear! Blimey. Who'd have kids.

@blackoutthesun, i think i should email the ed psych again. it's embarrassing. at the end of the sessions last year, i sort of played along with her belief that everything was now fine. if i emailed her i'd have to go right in there with the admission that i hit my dd. or should i not do that? would she be obliged to report it?

ok. so lets move forward from this. beating yourself up wont stop this happening again. you need to decide what needs to happen so that tomorrow when she kicks off slapping isn't what happens.

what things to you think would work for you to stop you doing it?
walking away and taking as long as it takes for you to calm down and think rationally?

counting to ten or whatever number works?

pinching yourself?

associating your temper with what your EX used to do to you?

you need to decide today, before she gets home from school what tactic you are going to put in place so that slapping doesn't happen.

longterm, you need to think about a counsellor or an anger management course, but for today you need to protect your dd from this haening again.

I doubt SS would take your daughter over this incident but it would open a can of worms. My parents had a terrible time with my brother - my dad is very placid but even he got to the point of loosing it with him. He frightened himself so much about how much he just wanted to whack my brother that he rang the NSCCP help line out of desperation. They were fantastic and sent a support worker to come and see the family - it did help and gave my dad a chance to deal with it all. Perhaps you could try them and see or look into some other charities that would help.

I am a new single mum and can appreciate that it is hard work doing it all on your own - I too don't have much practical help from my dad and brother although they are supportive in other ways and I know how draining it can be - no wonder you feel at the end of your tether and lost as to how to solve it all - you recognise that your actions are a worry and so this in its self shows a caring attitude - you just need some support from somewhere to help you get sorted. What would be unacceptable is you not giving a toss and clearly you do!!! Don't waste your emotional energy on punishing yourself - save it up and direct it into finding a solution. ( sends you a sympathetic hug )

Iamboohoo, yeah I feel totally revolted by myself when I see parallels between my xh's behaviour of am and my behaviour towards my daughter.

You need to call your doctor ASAP and get referred somewhere. You left your partner for treating you this way, how you can expect your daughter to respect/have a good relationship with you when you treat her this way is beyond me.

I don't think it's so much your daughter who needs help (couldn't make out if it was you or her seeing someone) it's you.

Older siblings torment the younger ones, that's just what they do. You need to find a way of dealing with it that doesn't amount to child abuse.

Sorry that all sounds really harsh, but you need to get yourself in therapy/anger management ASAP coz your daughter deserves better!

ps, yeah I will think about an anger management course, or book maybe? as I have done a parenting course. I know what I OUGHT to be doing. I just can't seem to do it or fit it in.

Sorry I just re read that and it sounded awful. I'm not saying you're a bad person/mum, you know what you have done is wrong so just get yourself some help ASAP!

use that revulsion to change your behaviour, not to beat yourself up (sorry if my post came across as though i thought you should). use it to shock yourself everytime you feel your teeth gritting and the growls coming up to shout at her. associate your temper with flashbacks of what he did. it will make you not want to feel that temper, you'll want to push the temper away because it reminds you of the bad feelings he caused you to feel.

SS aren't going to take your child away over one incident.

If it was a one off, then don't beat yourself up about it. You already feel bad about what you did.

I think taking her for a girly cuppa and cake is a good idea. It's worth apologising to her. Perhaps you could use the opportunity to also talk about her behaviour in a non-confrontational way, and give her chance to air any of her issues. Or, have this conversation with her and then go out for coffee and cake as a treat afterwards.

And I'd second trying to get some advice about her behaviour, and maybe some kind of reward system for her.

"I know what I OUGHT to be doing. I just can't seem to do it or fit it in."

you can. take 2 minutes now to decide what tactic you will use today when she starts whingeing/annoying her dbro. decide on the tactic and name it. that is now your tactic for when she starts. what is it? what are you going to do? imagine she is there right now and you hear them squabbling? what are you doing?

Firstly if you were a shit mum you wouldn't think twice about slapping your dd and you'd have done again for the back chatting you about slapping her the first time.

Secondly I have called SS on myself. Well, not quite SS, but a parenting support team. The lady I have is a trained SW, but others who work on the scheme are trained youth workers or counsellors etc.

It is helping. She is here to support me, not just with parenting but in general. It actually feels nice to have someone on my side to listen to me for once.

So far she has done several skip runs for me. Reffered dd2 to CAHMS for suspected SN (we are still waiting to be seen), reffered me for counselling and tried to talk His Arsholiness into counselling for himself and couples counselling. She's also tried talking to him about supporting me more with the children and the housework and will be talking to him again to ask why he has not followed up on any of what he promised to do to help and how he thinks that not helping is going to solve anything.

I'm actually feeling slightly more in control of everything atm. It's early days but we'll get there in the end. With or without His Arsholiness. It's his choice. He can continue fighting me every step of the way and pushing me further away or he can step up and give me the support I need. If/when I feel ready to leave, this lady will help me with that descion too.

I got in touch with them via the inclusion officer at the dds school so you could maybe ask if your local LA have anything similar?

When you say you know what you ought to be doing, do you really? I agree with booeyhoo, you need to be mentally prepared for these situations and have a plan for what you will do instead of losing your temper and hitting your dd. But if you don't really have a good strategy for dealing with your dd's behaviour, then calling someone for help is a good idea I think. You are not alone, plenty of parents struggle, and there are parenting workshops and other things that can help you. Maybe the ed psych can point you in the right direction?

I have had moments like this. I once grabbed my ds by the neck and pinned him on the sofa and screamed at him

I have never done anything like it since though, you can turn it around. I often wonder if many parents lose it, though of course I don't condone it

I was dealing with an abusive childhood by parents who were inherently dysfunctional and would never admit they were wrong. Different I think to a stressed mum desperate to change things

You mention you have no relationship with your DD, isn't that the core of the issue? If you do talk to anyone, shouldn't it be to her? You seem to both suffer from the lack of understanding and communication between you. In a general way, all that children want is to be loved by their parents and have it confirmed. If she doesn't feel loved by you she will continue to do things to upset you, simply to get the attention.
I agree with the other suggestions to go on a girly cake break and talk to her, but also get her to tell you why she does what she does, she must be as sad and frustrated as you, try and get her to express what it is.

You're not a bad person. You're going through a hellish time at the moment. And you know what op, the only person who can change things is you.

forget support, forget social services and everything else, you need to realise that you are in control of everything you do, and the reason for DD's behaviour is partly your past relationship, partly her own personality, and partly you and the way you are around her.

My own mum did this a few times, as did my father during my childhood. I was constantly referred to as 'difficult, obnoxious, rude, awful, terrible, a fcuking bitch' etc etc, and as a result it's caused no end amount of upset and distress in my family. My mum was depressed during my pregnancy, had pnd with me when I was around 8 months old, my dad had flings and gave her no support either emotionally or physically. Today Im a 23 year old girl with two babies of my own, I came out of my childhood quite unscathed and with a great relationship with my mum and an ok one with my dad. I suffer with severe temper problems, but at the end of the day as fucking hard as it is not to want to smack my 3 year old so hard, I rip the last bit of strength I have from myself and walk away. You have to do it before you end up that woman in the news and on tv who did something awful.

You must change this now op because its all three of you that will end up paying a terrible price. Forget any excuses you have, you need an outlet, maybe yoga, meditation, a hobby or course to focus on and remember that you are a unique and important individual who is a great mum, but like all mums, struggles very badly sometimes. I know you can do it, and you need to know it too.

Rooting for you op x

Hello. For a bit of solidarity - I came on MN today because I'm scared by my temper lately. I haven't hit my son, but I want to far too often at the moment. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be single parenting.

One book I've found helpful is 'when your kids push your buttons' by Bonnie Harris. I also second Grumpyplop's suggestions for finding an outlet for yourself to let off steam. Asking for help is very brave and I applaud you for it.