2 y.o. having a strop about everything

[AngelDog]

DS is 2.2 and every time I tell him what's going to happen now / later, he ha a mini-strop (not a tantrum, just making his 'I'm cross about that' noises). Sometimes he'll make the cross noise and then realise he does in fact want to do whatever it is, and change his mind (saying 'yes please').

I know this is pretty normal but I'd appreciate some coping tips / suggestions for how to improve the situation.

I describe and empathise with his feelings: 'I can see you don't want to get in the bath now; it's frustrating, isn't it?'.

I offer him choices whenever I can: 'It's time to go downstairs. Would you like to hold my hand or walk on your own?'

We have lots of mini-routines so that things always happen in a predictable order (doesn't seem to reduce the strops though).

I explain briefly why we're going to do something but don't enter into lengthy discussions about why we're doing things.

I give advanced warning before changes of activity: 'After we go downstairs it'll be time to go in your highchair'.

Any suggestions?

Ignore it. Tell him what's happening in a bright, breezy fashion, ignore any peculiar noises and carry on regardless. The more you respond, empathise and explain the more he'll do it. If you ignore the behaviour it'll stop quite quickly.

Yeah. What Cogito said.

Yes, I have tried ignoring, but it just gets worse and worse, which is understandable - if DH ignored me when I expressed an opinion, I'd keep on and on and on at him until he did listen, so I don't see why DS should be any different.

I'm also generally unhappy with the ignoring technique - I don't think it models politeness to him. We normally work on the basis that we say what's happening, he can express an opinion, we then decide whether or not to reiterate the request, and if we do, he has to do as we've asked (we don't enter into further negotiation). He's pretty compliant and at least 90% of the time he'll do what he's asked, even if he's having a strop at the time.

I only explain & empathise once, to prevent him thinking he can go on trying to negotiate / spin it out.

Well if what you're doing is working, no need to change is there? :)

Well, it's not recently - which was why I was asking for alternative suggestions. :)

My patience levels are probably a lot lower than usual though as I'm shattered after a week and a half of rubbish sleep due to DS being ill, and also pg hormones. That's probably part of the problem.

Sorry, I'm not being clear. My problem is not his refusal to do as I ask, but my ability to deal with/be patient with the strop which goes alongside what is usually compliance.

The truth is that your toddler is not an adult. One very important life lesson for children is that not everything is negotiable, we don't always have to come up with rationales and explanations and sometimes they just have to do as they are told. If you don't get this point across in the early years you can easily end up with a whiny brat that thinks they can change things in their favour if they only keep up with the 'angry noises' long enough. And if you have a new baby to cope with soon, that is really not what you want.

Not much you can do about that except "cultivate your patience" as we say around here.

And your ability to deal with/be patient will improve considerably when you stop feeling the need to deal with him or be patient. Ignoring a toddler is a perfectly legitimate response and not 'impolite' in the slightest.

Or, actually, again, what Cogito said.

Thanks. I don't think it's necessarily impolite to ignore him - but I don't think it models polite behaviour for him to copy. From experience, he learns much more from my actions than my words (as you'd expect).

So for example the more often I tell him to 'wait a minute, I'm just doing x' when he wants me, the more likely he is not to come immediately when I call him, because he's 'just doing y'. I think it's okay for him to have to wait for me sometimes but not for me to be waiting for him - but of course he doesn't understand that yet.

As I said, we work on the basis that he gets to voice an opinion and then just has to do as he's told. He doesn't complain because it makes any difference to the outcome - it doesn't. After listening to his initial opinion (and taking it into account if we can), neither DH nor I negotiate.

Thanks, though - I'll have a think. :)

The only thing that works when DS (2.1) behaves like this is for me to pretend to have a mini strop too.

So when he does his cross noises, I also make his cross noises, which then makes him giggle and just crack on with whatever it is he is meant to be doing. It also stops me getting stressed about it, as I am making it into a bit of a joke for us both.

(understandable though if you don't want to make 'cross noises' at your DS, but mine definitely knows that I am being silly and am not genuinely cross...)

Congratulations on your PG by the way - how far along are you? :)

Thanks - that sounds like the sort of thing that would be fun to try. :) DS has a great sense of humour so he might respond well to that.

I'm not far in to pg - only 6 weeks or so - just starting to feel rough.

Congratulations Angel!

YY to the pretend strop - mirror his feelings (I've read that in the H Karp book).

minor thing though - in your OP, you say "it's frustrating isn't it?" - perhaps you just tell him, without the question (as you can do if you mirror his feelings). So with DS I say "you're sad" with a sad face etc.

Also you dont have to always offer a choice - best for when they wont do something. E'g you say, it's time to come downstairs. If he doesn't come, then you say "do you want to walk or shall mummy carry you?".

Hope that makes sense.

I only add that bit about the choices thing because otherwise it's too much for a two year old. Also it really works when you have little patience (as I do with a non sleeping three month old) and it saves me screeching like a harpie getting too frustrated.

Thank you.

I should read the Harvey Karp book - the baby one was very good.

IWillOnlyEatBeans, I tried the reciprocal strop this afternoon with great success, so thank you for the suggestion.

He was having a paddy about the fact that I'd said we were going to buy some fruit & vegetables from the market. So I said, 'Uh-hu-hu' [his noise] - is that the sort of vegetable we're going to buy? An uh-hu-hu-hu vegetable? Is it a tasty sort? Is an 'uh-hu-hu' a root vegetable or a green one?'

He thought it was hilarious, and when he started having a strop about something later and I used the sound back to him, he started laughing about the vegetable joke again. :)

Oooo I'm going to try reciprocal stropping too.

Yay! Glad I could help!

(Your strop made me laugh too by the way, it sounds like a lot of the conversations I have with my DS!)

Actually, it seems to be a good way of working out whether he's properly upset about something, or just a bit cross (I can't always tell). If he's properly upset, he doesn't respond to the joke.

Yes, I find that too!