I said something awful about DS

[waspandbee]

Me and DS, 15m, have both had flu for the past week. He has hardly been sleeping (like 3 hours a night and crying the rest of the time) and DH has been away on a work trip. Last week I called DH sobbing because I was just so shattered and I couldn't get DS to sleep. I had been trying for hours and was on the verge of collapse with exhaustion after a week of virtually no sleep. We have no family nearby. I said if DS didn't go to sleep soon I thought I might hurt him or smother him. DH abandoned his work trip and came home, but was completely grim faced when he came in, just took DS off me and told me to go to bed. I feel like such a shit. I would never hurt him. I don't know why I said it. DS is now his normal self, running about giggling and I feel so guilty.

you can only explain that you were beside yourself, you were unwell and were unable to sleep to keep ds safe
It was a cry for help but you should have said "Come home, I am ill and too unwell to care for ds"

IME, feeling like that when you've had a week like that is normal. Sounds like you've had a hellish week. Caring for a poorly baby is difficult enough, without being ill yourself!
Don't beat yourself up about it.

ok, feeling like that for a minute, is completely normal... however, I think you are going to have to do some serious talking to your dh because tbh if you rang him hysterical, threatening your dc and made him travel home from work to deal with it, it is going to take him a long time to forgive and forget.
Be honest with yourself,... were you being overly dramatic? are you prone to this? do you need to look at your behaviour?
or do you actually need to seek some help from your gp?
Talk to your dh, apologise and get plans in place so this doesn't happen again.

thanks for responding. I am normally a coper, have never done anything like this and don't think i'm dramatic. It was completely out of character and took me by surprise. I do kno that it was emotional manipulation of the worst kind and think it came from a place of exhaustion. I know i need to properly talk to dh though and try and work through it

I think, if you are very, very, very tired, you can surprise yourself.

Anger can come out of nowhere. Looking at what you have said, that is what comes over to me. That you were exhausted, beside yourself and suddenly that part of you that was screaming in frustration and tiredness was 'out'. I don't for a moment think you would have caused any hurt to your DS.

I think it's something to do with being so shattered - like your normal social defences are down.

I say this from a position of not having had more than a handful of good nights sleep in 6 years now - I have shouted and screamed and not known I was going to do it until it was out.

Any future planning has to be about trying to make sure you aren't left to get to that point of exhaustion again, IMO.

I was kind of hoping you were going to say I'm a drama queen because it would be easier to brush off with your dh.
As you say you're not, he could be taking this quite seriously and may be worried about you looking after your ds.
As I said, sit and talk, explain that you are no good without sleep and tell him what you plan to do in future, be this take ds to visit family for a couple of days or find a childminder who will do the occasional childcare as he gets older. Good luck.

One thing that you need to understand and explain to dh is that no one can look after a sick baby alone especially when they are also ill.. it is too much.. what if you had had to drive to the hospital, or if he got worse and needed watching constantly..

Is dh usually supportive.. ?
had you asked him not to go on the trip or previously asked him to return early and he refused?

Nightlark - what you've said resonates with me, and I agree I need to arrange to go and stay with family if it comes to that again. It's just sometimes getting in the car and driving hours to stay with family feels like climbing Everest when you haven't slept for days and you're ill. I dont' know your situation obviously, but it is nice to know others have been there too, even though this was a short-term thing, not six years.

Heureuse - DH is supportive, but I don't think he realised how bad we both were. He had been away for a few days at that point and when I phoned him previously I was at the sighing and saying 'it's really tough' stage rather than the pulling my hair out and crying stage. It just all got on top of me and I think it probably was a cry for help - the only way of expressing just how desperate I was - although I didn't actively think it through in that way.

Ingles - I agree, it would have been utterly horrible for DH to hear this. I just hope we can talk about it properly later

Oh I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You were in a dark place, you asked for help - and you got it. That is a good outcome.

Now you're dealing with your husband's shock about it and that's another stage to get through. But don't beat yourself up about it, many of us have been driven to the depths of despair during patches of exhaustion.

Not coping is allowed. The key is to ask for help.

Have you got family or a close friend who you can call on in future? I think now would be a good time to let them know that you got v. exhausted and in hindsight should have asked for help. (You don't have to say the harming bit)

I am glad you have posted about this because your openness may help another mum ask for help.

I think at this point it would be great if you and your husband could talk honestly about it and try to hear each other out. It may be painful but it may also bring you even closer.

I have had times like this and quite frankly it amazes me that not more babies are harmed given the amount of stress some families endure.

I know how you feel, how you felt. It's awful having to deal with an ill child, let alone you being ill and sleep-deprived as well. It sounds to me like at the point where you said it, you just needed your DH to understand what you were going through. Yes, it was an awful thing to say, but you're not the only one. In my worst moments, I have 'joked' to my husband that I want to phone social services to take the kids away. I said it I would guess for the same reasons as you- it meant 'I'm reaching my limit here, I'm physically and emotionally in pieces, I don't know what to do next- please help me.'

You definitely need a good talk with your DH. You need to make it clear to him that you wouldn't ever ever actually harm your DS, and as other posters said, you need to think about how you can cope with similar situations. I'm sure your DH is feeling quite scared, not (just) about your DS but about you- my DH certainly would be. When you're used to being able to depend on someone it's frightening to see them having difficulties coping.

you sound like one of lifes 'copers', wasp.

I think there is a lot to be said for asking for more help, earlier and more often.

I am just learning to accept help when it is offered, but am still rubbish at seeking it out.

Take up offers of an hour off, take shortcuts, don't cope, cope, cope, because no-one knows how bad things are getting till you snap. People notice bugger all most of the time! Try bending more, not being strong until you break.

Off to take my own advice now.
Hopefully you won't need it, and will be all recovered from flu very soon.

Look after yourself.

You felt fraught and asked for help. Right thing to do. Actually I think your grim faced dh needs to work out how to better support you at your lowest ebb.

Thank you Treadwarily. Kind words from a stranger can mean so much sometimes.

And everyone. You've made me feel less alone this morning

Not at all, I have been in your shoes and, having been fortunate enough to have received fantastic support, I got through it and more. Looking back it was a huge turning point in that I was able to start recognising my limitations, predict stressors and get better support set up.

I think that your courage in being so open is an indicator that you are willing to learn from what has happened, and that you and your family will probably become even closer.

I once did something similar and have never told anyone before. But what treadwarily says is true: admitting this may give strength to other parents similarly at the end of their tether.

At the time, I had a 3 month old and a 17 month old and Dh was working on a contract, 300 miles away, leaving on a Sunday evening and returning on a Friday evening. This was the third week of this set up. My youngest wasn't sleeping and was needing a breast feed two or three times during the night. My toddler had had croup and I had some kind of cold/cough virus thing that just wouldn't shift.

One evening DH rang as he always did, to ask about my day, how were the children etc. We'd managed about five minutes chat where, as usual, I'd been a martyr and glossed over how ill I was feeling and how knackered I was because I knew he already felt guilty about being so far away from home, was missing us and wasn't enjoying his work. Then I heard that my youngest, who'd taken almost two hours to settle, was awake and crying. I just exploded, a flood of tears and angry yelling down the phone: "Oh my God, the baby's screaming again! I swear I'm going to do something awful, I can't take it anymore. If you loved us you would fucking be here. I'm just going to walk out of here and fucking leave, I can't take it the crying anymore!" Then I hung up and sat on the kitchen floor sobbing, before fetching our DD and cuddling her and shushing her saying 'sorry' over and over to her.

But of course, my poor Dh didn't know that. He was ringing back and I didn't answer the phone, which is the part I regret the most, because I'd left him hanging, not knowing whether his wife's next move was to do something terrible. On the third or forth go, I answered the phone and he was crying, poor man, the first thing he said was "Where's X? (baby's name)"

I had an immediate sense of remorse and also bewilderment at my own behaviour. I literally shocked myself. Why did I let him think, even for a second, that I would do something awful to the children? Why had I accused him of not loving us? I didn't doubt his love for a second, that was why he was working 300 miles away. Neither of us had ever, nor has ever since, threatened to leave the other one, so where the hell did that come from? This was a big deal for us, because the things I said, the swearing at him, were so out of character, we were not a couple who ever had big rows or screamed at each other.

Looking back, I believe that I unthinkingly said the most provocative, awful thing possible, because the exhaustion, the illness and the isolation (I hadn't spoken to another adult, other than the lady on the till in the corner shop, for about three days) had driven me to a point where the lowest most hideous stuff of my nightmares came to the front. It was a cry for help, but I'm still ashamed that this cry came in a form that hurt and worried my DH so terribly.

If I had just been more honest with my DH in the days and weeks leading up to this horrible incident and told him "it's hard" "I'm not well" and asked for help, then I know it would never have got so out of hand. My motives were to protect my DH because he was miserable about having to work so far from home but backfired so horribly. My parents lived three hours drive away, but when I eventually did phone them and told them I wasn't coping very well, they dropped everything and came. Why didn't I do it sooner? Why did I convince myself myself I had to soldier on?

Not intended as a thread hijack wasp glad to hear you're feeling somewhat relieved, having read the positive responses from other posters. Just wanted to help you feel less: "I'm the only person in the world to have said such things" and to reassure you that talking to your DH and explaining what lead up to this out of character outburst will help both of you move on.

If I had been less set on being a 'coper' and more honest with my DH (and myself) it wouldn't have happened. The only remotely good thing that came out of this incident was that when I sat down with him on his return that Friday apologised again and again and we both made promises to each other that we've kept to this day, years later, about not dropping emotional bombshells on the other person when they're too far away to do anything about it.

PommePoire, thank you. You've just made me cry. In a good way, I think. It is about complete emotional exhaustion I think. I am also pregnant, and I think that also played a role. I have been worrying about the logistics of two under two, and kind of brushing it all off that it will be ok. I guess ignoring my worries about that contributed to the explosion. You're right - it's about saying the unthinkable, the worst imaginable - trying to pass some of the emotional load to the other person who isn't physically there, who can't just take them for half an hour while you regroup.

well said PommePoire and I'm sorry for what you went through. I am also v impressed that you coped as long as you did!

If it makes you feel any better, I actually did think about harming the children. I had it all worked out and in my warped mind I thought that killing all of us was a good plan. You wouldn't believe it if you met me..everyone tells me I am so calm, such a great mum etc. Clearly I'm not at all, but appearances can be deceptive and even I had no idea how exhausted and deluded I had become.

So I get those stories in the papers about the mothers killing themselves and the children and, every time I think there but for the grace of God...

I think you would be amazed at how many women have said and done things like this. It is just the sheer exhaustion talking. I know I have lost the plot and said things like that when I've been ill, tired and at the end of my tether. Luckily, my DP knows me well enough to know that, whatever state I am in, I would never hurt the children. I just know that, sometimes, I need to completely lose it for my DP to realise how much I need his help. If I asked him calmly, he would tend to just say encouraging things and let me carry on coping.

I also know it can be quite cathartic to scream and vent like this and - just like pomme - I can explode quite violently and rapidly be calm and coping again. I just need to get it out in order to be able to carry on.

I hope your DH understands and is supportive, OP. He surely must have an idea of how awful you must have been feeling to say that and he must give you some help to stop it getting to that point again.

I feel for you. When I was pg with dc3, and had dc1, aged 3 and dc2 aged 1, I was so exhausted and ill that I called dh to come home from work asap (My kids had had bananas for lunch, did not have the energy to sort anything more!). He was reluctant and was there on his bike. He said I'd have to collect him... I explained that I was in no fit state to be driving as when I'd tried earlier I'd scraped one of our cars along the side of the other, damaging both, in trying to get out the garage... he got a lift home in 10 mins. They just don't understand "I'm too tired to cope any more" unless it's put more graphically (this is not a man/woman rant, just how it is for anyone who isn't present), and that's what your statement was about.

Oh good Lord, you're pregnant! Congratulations - for goodness sake, do as treadwarily wisely says and cut yourself some slack! The chances of emotional overload leading to a horrible outburst are at the very least, tripled, by pregnancy!

Please just talk things over some more with your husband. Make sure you explain that you ARE still the strong, capable woman he loves and still a great mother to his children (born and unborn!) but the flu you and your DS have been fighting this week was the last straw. You need bed rest, fluids and love. The hormonal and physical symptoms of even a 'normal' healthy pregnancy when combined with continual lack of sleep / tiredness can lay anyone low let alone when you add flu in to the mix. You've never done this before so you didn't know your limits. You didn't know you'd reached the end of your tether until you sort of broke down and it all spilled out.

There have been lots of good threads on MN about coping with two under two. Do an advance search when you feel up to it and you'll find a lot of encouragement. Try not to worry. The early days will all pass in a bit of a blur! Mine are 6 and 7 now and having such a small age gap is wonderful, they share a room through their own choice, they read to each other, they can play the same card and board games, do imaginative games on pretty much the same level. I'm really glad we have the gap that we do.

You'll be fine, you sound very self aware and very honest, I think those qualities will help you gauge how you're coping as your pregnancy advances.