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Original poster

Being a stepmom at Christman time

14 replies

melliek · 22/11/2003 01:59

Hi everyone, I am a stepmom of a great 6yr old little girl. Her mom is with her full time. I really want to make Christmas for her as wonderful as possible, but how do you do it with two families. She has always been at her moms on Christmas morn just because her dad never had a home and wasn't married.Now he has a house and a wife. We really want her to be with us this year....is this so wrong? Any suggestions??

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Original poster

melliek · 22/11/2003 02:01

By the way....just realized the spelling mistake in the topic title.....oops!
Meant to say Christmas time!

OP posts:

aloha · 22/11/2003 08:43

I am a stepmother do, and we have my stepdaughter for Christmas on alternate years. On the years we don't have her for Christmas we have her for new year. I think that's a pretty common arrangement.

pupuce · 22/11/2003 08:54

It probably depends also on the parents attitude with each other and the little girl's desires. Maybe Christmas is very special at her mum (with grandparents or something) and it may be unfair do take her away from that.... I am only making comments on a situation I don't know.
Maybe she'll be very excited to come to you.... but if she lives with her mum most of the time she may be anxious, nervous, apprehensive?
Do you spend much time with her nornally ? Does she live close to you ?

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3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 11:08

Hi Mellie

I am a SM as well and to date we have never been allowed my SS on christmas day. I would say it would depend on your relationship with your stepdaughters birthmum as to when and how often you have her over christmas. You may find that she is relucant to be parted from her mum on christmas morning and maybe you could reach a compromise of having her from the afternoon onwards and either letting her open her present with your in the afternoon, or giving her another christmas day on the boxing day morning? HTH x

roscoe · 22/11/2003 11:17

My step-sister spent Xmas Day with us and Boxing Day with her dad's family. She loved having 2 'Xmas days' with her 2 families. When later given the option of switching the days, she didn't want to. She preferred Xmas Day with her mum.

Slinky · 22/11/2003 12:18

When my parents split up (I was 11 and brother was 8) we always spent Christmas Day with our mum and Boxing Day with my dad.

This wasn't because my mum said we "had to" - just that we both wanted to.

Even now, 22 years later, I still don't see my dad on Christmas Day as he is usually away. My mum comes to us usually and this year for the first time in years, my dad, stepmum, stepsister and her boyfriend are coming to us on Boxing Day

I know some people split Christmas Day between the 2 and we did try this on the first Christmas without my dad - but to be honest, both myself and my brother hated being messed about and carted to and fro.

jac34 · 22/11/2003 13:20

My step DD spends Christmas Day with her Mum, and Boxing Day with us, but as we don't live far away, DH goes to visit on Christmas morning to take presents and takes our DS twins with him.
He usually stays for an hour to an hour and a half, during this time I usually clear away the rubbish, make a final check on preperations, then have a lovely soak in the bath, before the general mayhem starts again, when DH and the boys return, and the rest of the family arrive.

valleygirl · 22/11/2003 14:51

I think if you can all agree to alternate Christmas' then this is a great arrangement - not only do you (and any extended family of your husband's) get to spend every other Christmas seeing the kids opening their presents on Christmas Day, but also every other year you can do something exciting on New Years's Eve together, without having to worry about babysitters. This year my stepkids are spending Christmas with us for the first time and I'm really excited, but also my bf and I are going to New York for New Year's whilst their mum has them.
But this was an agreement that we all came to and were happy with when child care was initially discussed. I know that a lot of families don't operate this way.

3GirlsMum · 22/11/2003 14:53

I think age will make a great difference in this. My sister has a 10 year old daughter and 11 year old son and she asked them what they would like to do over holidays, birthdays etc. They have chosen to take turns which my sister is happy to do (although obviously she does find it very hard, particularly xmas time), but at the end of the day she feels its their decision to make.

Original poster

melliek · 23/11/2003 04:13

Hey all...usually we are with her very often, we live 10 min from her so whenever she wants to be here she is. Normally at Christmas she is with us on the eve until around 9ish then she goes to mom, the next day we get her around 2ish for the full night. In one sense it is better because we get to spend more time with her but I want so bad to wake up just once to a child freaking out because santa came last night! How many years do we have left,,,she's 6 right?! I just want to see it once, but in another sense I don't want to do anything to make her unhappy. The relationship between her mom and dad is great, sometimes you can love someone but can't live with. You know, oil and water. Her mom gave her dad a little bit of a guilt trip but nothing else has been said yet. Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

Jimjams · 23/11/2003 09:19

melliek- if your sd is happy with the arrangements (and would her mum be by herself if she wasn't there?) then yes I think you are being a little selfish. I do know what you mean about aching to see the mayhem- because I've always wanted to see that as well. ds1 is autistic so he doesn't understand xmas or really presents- so last year it took us 5 days to open the presents (he coudn't cope with too many at once). The year before it really bothered me, but I think you have to kind of get over it and just accept that xmas isn't exactly how you imagined it would be but that doesn't mean it has to be bad. Enjoy the morning with your dh, have a bath, a lie in, relax and then enjoy the time with your sd in the afternoon.

3GirlsMum · 23/11/2003 09:22

Mellie I can understand what you are saying but at the same time Im sure her mum feels the same (likes to see her open her presents). Thats why I suggest another "xmas day" on boxing day because then you still have the thrill of her watching her open her presents. The only other option is to ask if you can come round really early on christmas day to watch her opening them then.

Jimjams · 23/11/2003 09:22

obviously I know nothing about the rest of the situation, I'm just saying if the only reason you ant her there is for you then it might not be fair. My cousin's parents divorced and he used to spend xmas with his mum and boxing day with his dad. I think he preferred it that way.

sjbondgirl · 25/01/2014 15:20

I've been a step mum for 7 years now and we don't get a say over how Christmas works out, even if BM works late Christmas Eve she collects the kids and has them overnight into Christmas Day, they then open their gifts and have breakfast and then they are back to ours Christmas late morning, as she normally volunteers to work the afternoon/evening and then the kids go again on a Boxing Day about 10am as she says Boxing Day is her "family" day.
When my DH first split from BM the first 2/3 Christmas' he would get up early and go over the BM house before they woke up just so he could see their faces.
It's a case of take it or leave it...

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