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Original poster

the Second Child Debate

15 replies

OrdinarySoup · 08/03/2012 14:12

Our DD has just turned 2, and many friends have already had their second baby, or are about to have one. I'm not feeling "pressure" to have a second at all, but kind of think that if we are going to, I'd rather do it now-ish. Not getting any younger, don't want a huge gap etc etc.
The problem is that we are both so besotted with DD that we are debating whether having a second at all is the right thing to do. I guess my question is: does everyone feel this way about their first child? We both feel like we have struck lucky with her (I know this will change over time!) and so myabe we should quit while we're ahead!
DH is an only child, but one of the most generous, patient people I know, who doesn't feel that he missed out particularly for not having a sibling. I have a brother and hated my role as an older sister, but would hope that I wouldn't put DD through the same. However I know that my mum preferred my brother and would almost rather not have a second than risk favouritism...
And yet...for all the reasons NOT to have a second, I can't discount it. Maybe I should stop watching "One Born..." and stay away from newborns...

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tumbleweedblowing · 08/03/2012 14:15

but they smell so nice.....

Iggly · 08/03/2012 18:35

Mmmmm newborn smell.

Dh and I wanted more than one - we knew that before we had any.

Now we have DD (3 months) and DS (2.5 years). Before DD arrived, we'd settled into a great routine with DS, we were happy etc then DD came along and it's all in the air again. But it's such a short period of time, I think we've done the right thing.

Our decision was influenced by our own sibling experiences - we both have a few siblings and loved growing up with our brothers and sisters. That's what we're hoping to pass onto DD and DS - they will share growing up together and (hopefully) bond in a way that you don't with other people. However if you have a negative experience, then i can see why people stick to one.

mnistooaddictive · 08/03/2012 18:43

Everybody feels their guest child is amazing but you know what? You feel like that about your second too! I think siblings bring do much when growing up. Seeing my two play together is amazing.

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lovechoc · 08/03/2012 18:50

I have no regrets about having a second child (have two DSs), they are both at an age where they are beginning to get along really well, playing together.

Like you OP, I also could not understand the urgency to have the second child born when the 1st DC was only 2yo or under. We have a 3yr gap between our boys and it's just been ideal really. DS1 was out of nappies before DS2 arrived. No plans to have any more now. They each have a brother to grow up with, which I think it's pretty special. I had a younger brother and didn't have much in common with him growing up (always wanted a sister to talk about make-up with, boy bands, etc).

Your love stretches to both your children, and I'd imagine it does regardless of the number of children you end up having.

nonicknamemum · 08/03/2012 23:30

I also went through the worry about how I could love a second child as much as my first. I'm sure it's very common. Have absolutely no regrets about having had two. And the fact that you're so concerned about showing favouritism pretty much guarantees that you won't be a parent who shows favouritism.

gaelicsheep · 08/03/2012 23:38

I shared all your feelings OP but we decided in the end that it would be mean not to give DS a sibling. We do not regret it. I couldn't imagine how I could love a little stranger as much as DS, but I do. In fact I probably love them both more now, watching the cuteness of their interactions and listening to the bickering, than I ever thought was possible.

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 08/03/2012 23:40

I totally understand what you mean, I could never understand how another would work/fit in. I had a mc not knowing I was pg and then found myself pg again without a period and all at a very difficult time and tbh I wasn't sure I could have the baby, not in a get rid of it way. I just didn't feel it, I remember crying to my mw tgat it just didn't feel like it did with dd and that I was seriously worried that I didn't and couldn't love my baby.

Ds popped out with a bit of drama, and whilst it was instant in that first moment I saw him it didn't take long. He is now 6 months old and I am stupidly and crazy in love with him. It is hard with two. Dd is 4 next month but she loves him too.

Whilst I didn't make a decision to have a second hex really is one of the best things that's ever happened too me.

leftmysociallifeatthedoor · 08/03/2012 23:41

When i was pregnant with dd (dc2) i felt incredibly guilty, like i was betraying ds, as if i was saying he wasnt emough. Now, i know i did the right thing - they ADORE each other for now. They are just 5 and 1 1/2. Theyre so different and its amazing to me that theyre both ours iyswim.

One of the main reasons i wanted to have more kids was the newborn smell was that my dad is very very ill just now. I have 2 siblings, it shares the load a bit. I didnt want ds growing up without that support network.

Letchladee · 08/03/2012 23:48

You never feel like you'll love the second the same, but you always do.

The only downside is that both my DDs say they love each other the most (and more than they love us, their parents). Their reasoning being that their friends and play together, both at school and at home.

MaMattoo · 09/03/2012 00:10

I never thought I would have just one child as I love my siblings to bits. We get along like a house on fire and are each others speed dial numbers even though we don't like on the same continents!
But, and there is one, I don't want to have another baby as - yes I love DS too much but more so my pregnancy and delivery were so nightmarish I would not want to chance it happening all over again. And lastly I don't think I shall be able to get back to my job and career if I take a break yet again.
I am sorry for doing this to DS and I am sure there will be questions when he grows up but as of now 21months on - its still quite a clear memory of pain and tears and lack of support post delivery and a whole load of despair.

pickledparsnip · 09/03/2012 00:19

MaMattoo I feel the same. The birth of my son was so awful, as were the months that followed. Not entirely sure I could go through it again. This may however change after time, but nearly two and a half years on I still feel the same.

MaMattoo · 09/03/2012 00:39

pickledparsnip I am so relieved to know that I am not alone in this boat of been-there-done-that-have-not-forgotten I have friends and family who were certain I would forget and time will heal all blah blah. But the memory of sitting in a puddle of tears, in pain and having no one to hold my hand is quite clear. I have well adjusted friends who are single children and I shall live in hope. DH though is sitting on the fence and therefore keeps changing his mind (he too has a sibling but with a decade between them they get along but it's not the same as my bro/sis and me). Thanks for posting

Original poster

OrdinarySoup · 09/03/2012 09:37

Wow - thanks everyone. Those with more than one, you have kind of confirmed what I thought, that most feel that their first is so amazing that a second could never live up to that, but somehow they do. I guess it's the same as falling in love with your first child - it's something you can't explain to someone who doesn't have any children - it seems incomprehensible that you can have any more love to give until you're there!
MaMattoo - I'm with you on this. My labour wasn't hideous but it certainly wasn't pleasant and there were a couple of complications that I wasn't aware of at the time. I kind of wish I'd never found out as it has made me nervous of a second labour.
But the smell......

OP posts:

gaelicsheep · 09/03/2012 12:39

I didn't mention in my previous post the effect of my previous labour. But I swear 3 years on I was still not ready to go through it again, it was truly awful first time around. But like I said we kind of decided that we should try for a sibling and we were kind of not trying to, but not trying not to. Then I was totally amazed to find out I was pregnant after only a few months (and probably two or three goes if I'm honest ). It had taken 4 years first time around, which is probably why I thought I was safe! So the decision was kind of taken out of my hands in a way. I was terrified of labour all through my second pregnancy, but it was so much easier it's not true. I don't think that's relevant because there are certainly no guarantees and I was lucky. But still my first words on delivering DD were "I never have to do that again!"

lovechoc · 09/03/2012 16:22

I also remember saying to the MW who was looking after me 'Not having any more now, that's me done!' after DS2 arrived. I was relieved that I would not be having any more. She said 'oh you never know! you might be back for your girl!'

It's hard going at times with two children but it's certainly been worth it.

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