Think I may have screwed DD up - but what do I do now?

[freshstartneeded]

DD is nearly 9 and basically I feel like I've messed her entire life up , and here's the only place can be honest enough to say how much. I left her father before she was born because he was violent and now she keeps saying she's really unhappy he's not around and she wants to be able to contact him - I've never felt able to be that honest with her in case it upsets her but I've said he 'wasn't very nice' to me and she always comes back with 'but he might have changed now' . So she feels like she's really missed out and I say maybe we'll contact him when she's older but feel like that's really hurting her.

In the last few years I've been really struggling to balance work, bringing her up and periods of depression and think I've failed with her. She's got a phobia about brushing her teeth which I've never got sorted and now the dentist is having to patch cavities up which I feel horrible about. Because I've been feeling so low and am also chronically shy I haven't made any friends at her school in the whole time she's been there and haven't got up the nerve to invite any of her classmates home - she got invited to one girl's home about 2 years ago and I wanted to reciprocate but never did. Now she feels like she's got no friends, and hasn't really - the one girl she used to be friends with has been told not to play with dd because this girl's a troublemaker and was encouraging dd to do things like wash her coat under the classroom tap (the teacher told me this not dd so I know it wasn't dd starting it all). I don't think she's being actively bullied but they exclude her from games and things and she plays on her own at playtimes, which isn't helped by dd being scared of most of the 'rough' games they play. And about 2 years ago she had really bad nits and I was THAT mother and it took me a year to fully sort out, they just kept going and coming, and it's now coming out that that alienated her from the other kids a lot too.

Because I have so much to do I feel like I barely spend any time with dd and every new parenting job feels like a gigantic weight on top of what I'm already (only just) balancing. Like over the past year or so she's stopped eating one or two foods at a time until now she just eats about 4 different meals, and I've got to sort that out but it just feels too much.

I feel like I've ruined her school life, her home life and her health and I don't even know where to start to put it right. Please don't tell me how crap I've been - I really do know, but I don't know how to change it all. I'm terrible at organisation and between work, home and everything else (such as supporting my parents) I feel exhausted and dd seems to be the 'something that gives' which breaks my heart.

hi. sounds like you really need some help and support in real life.

don't want your post left unanswered but can't post a long reply now. i will come back.

what sort of help/treatment have you had for your depression?

Thankyou swallowedAfly. I've had counselling in the past which got some of my own childhood stuff out but ended before I felt any 'better' and I haven't been able to get any more yet. The gp suggested giving me anti-depressants but I'd heard so many horror stories I said no - don't want to get any worse and affect dd even more than now.

tbh i'm not sure that's a wise choice given you haven't gotten better and the depression keeps coming back. what exactly put you off of using medication?

It was the thought of becoming suicidal or having side effects and the depression becoming worse for a few weeks before it gets better.

Take a deep breath. First, be honest with her about her father. I can see why you'd have shielded her from the truth up to now but I think nine is old enough to appreciate that a violent man is a dangerous thing. She may still want to see the best in him - not much you can do about that - and you may need someone else in your family to back up your story (a grandparent or other relative she trusts). She may even find the news upsetting but it's best she finds out now than continue to think of 'fantasy dad', think you're second-best, and be severely let down in the future.

For the rest... her lack of friends and the 'gigantic weight' of parenting and life in general... I would seek help. Extra care for your parents, for example. Balancing work better may mean leaving on time, saying no to extra tasks, etc. I think you need continued help with your problems with self-confidence and anxiety. Advice from the GP/HV on the food issues and dental hygiene problems for your DD. Do you ask others for help normally? Do you feel that you have to take everything on your own shoulders?

Finally, you haven't ruined your daughter by any means. Children from all kinds of families can have fears and problems at various stages. My own DS struggled to make friends at primary school, experienced bullying but is now very happy at his secondary school, making friends. The DD of my very well-off, well-adjusted, SAHM friend is irrationally terrified of animals, for example.

The important thing is that you recognise that you're not coping very well and to therefore seek help rather than blaming yourself for the limitations that come with being human. Good luck

I am sorry to hear this. I am sure you will come out of this smiling. Children are resilient things and thrive on continuity and affection. Your concern and post reveal loads of both. You are around and have struggle through but are there for your DD. the fact that you have sought support shows you are aware of the need and are making an effort to access it.
Children view things from their own personal little lens. Leaving an abusive father can never be wrong, don't feel like you are being judged by your child. Your child is probably seeing other dads or fathers and wishes hers was around. That's all. Don't look back and question!

Parenting is hard and we can't don't get everything right all the time. No one can. I am sure you will get better advice on this thread from more articulate and wise people, all I can say is. Loving and caring about your child, and being there, no matter how hard the going is, is half the battle won. Insignificant small mistakes are part of human existence, we make them, learn maybe or maybe not, move on and make yet more. Be confident and perhaps make a small bite size plan of action at making things better (how you would want them to be) and work around things that way.

I don't know if I have been useful....

i think the thing with antidepressants that yes, avoid using them if you don't have to and no they shouldn't be given out as lightly as they are. However when your life, and your child's life, is really not functional long term, surely the risks of life as it is outweigh any perceived risk of trying something else?

sorry to hear that the counselling ended too soon - presume it was nhs and the whole ten sessions and you're out scenario. any way you could afford to go private? worth searching for counsellors in your area, some will work on a sliding scale for those on low income and there are some voluntary orgs dotted around who do it for free or a small donation.

from the sounds of your post you are recognising that things really can't go on as they are and the way they've been has had consequences - surely that tells you it's time to act and try new things?

BTW... antidepressants are far better than they used to be and GPs are more skilled in their use and monitoring.

the suicidality tends to be a concern more for very young people in the early weeks. your awareness about it would mean that you were watching yourself and mindful of your mood. for most people they feel a bit odd, notice some changes in appetite and sleep patterns or maybe feel a bit nauseous - nothing major and it quickly passes. for some they don't have any of that.

Also ask your GP for a referral to an Occupational Therapist for dd. The fear of tooth brushing, restricted diets and fear of rough games all point to sensory difficulties and would explain why they are huge issues for you to address by yourself. You need professional support in this to make it better for dd.

I think we all worry about screwwing up our kids. I am also pretty shy and have not made any mum friends at school. My Son is 10 and has one friend really, though he has confidence in other areas. I think its important to give kids some outside interests, places outside school to make friends. I am also considering a drama group for my son, (if I can find an affordable one) because he is also on the introverted side, It might give him some confidence in groups, or at least he could learn to act like he has the confidence, which is half the battle.
Is she in any actitivitys?
Also PM me if you want to talk further, i am also a single parent and have bouts of depression.

agree with trying to get some help for dd. also that talking to the school about your concerns may help and asking what they can do to help/what services they have access to etc.

also for yourself it may help to be referred to the mental health team and get a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) who can see you regularly at home and help you strategise and manage things.

single parent here too with health (including mental health) problems. my ds has never seen his father either through his own choice and i know how hard it is to answer their questions and deal with their disappointment. also know how guilty you can feel for the periods of depression where it is hard to give them as much of yourself as you'd like to.

keep talking OP. glad you've posted.

Bless you, you got her away from what could have been a violent father, thats not ruining her life.

Why not make a list of all the things you'd like to sort and cross them off one at a time.

A GP referral for your DD's fear of brushing teeth, perhaps they'd send her for some CBT?

Your own fear of anti-depressants, the suicide risk is more with young teens, there was controversy a few years ago about giving them to under-16's as it was claimed to raise the risk of suicide in that group. If anything, the 'risk' with taking any antidepressant is that a particular one wont work for you and you'd have to try a different one.

Your parents, can another family member help you out, or can adult social services provide some support? Theres no harm in asking for help, the most someone can say is no, and you've not lost anything.