I am not sure if I can cope with a second child!

[emmyloo2]

Hi all. I have a 16 month old. I really want to have a second child as does my DH but I honestly don't know if I can cope with a baby again, as well as coping with a toddler. I really struggled with having a baby and even now, I find it stressful and tough. My 16 month old is lovely but very active and has issues with his sleep on and off. My DH and I both work full time in quite stressful jobs. He would like to start trying for a second middle of this year which would mean there would be about 2.5 years between the first and second.

I honestly just wish I could skip over the next couple of years so I don't have to cope with it all. Which is a terrible thing because you are meant to enjoy your babies growing up - not wish it away.

Is the second baby easier? I really found the first overwhelming and I got quite anxious about sleep patterns and routine etc etc. I did not enjoy it at all. Even now I still get quite anxious although I am starting to enjoy it more.

Everyone seems to go back for a second after about 2 years so is this a magical time when it gets easier??? [I am delusional I know]

Advice would be appreciated!

Thanks

I think after 2yrs things start to improve and you conveniently forget how bad things were!

My dd was 2.9yrs when my ds was born. It was fine for the first 8 or so weeks, then dd started acting up, then ds didn't improve with his sleeping and feeding and between 4 and 8m I would quite happily have taken him back to the hospital if it had been an option! He has been a bit of a handful but now at 18m he is starting to sleep better, be generally cheerier and a lot easier.

I originally decided I would like a large family, but after ds, I changed my mind! If I could guarantee another like dd I might be swayed, but much as I love my son, two of them would be the death of me!

I think you cope with what you have because you have to, but if you feel you are up to your limit with one, it is nothing to ashamed of. I know that if I had another, I would not be a very good parent.

I found the loss of sleep again the worst thing about having a second. DS1 was 2.3 and by then a pretty good sleeper. DS2 is now the same age (eek!) but still isn't great.

However, you have all the gear, you've got a better idea what you're doing, you're more relaxed, you've got the contacts, and as they get older they play with each other which is brilliant.

I think you're entering the hardest phase (so far) where they get frustrated struggling to communicate, but things should get better between 18 months and 2, and as Dedalus says, you do forget!

Unless you're over 40, why not postpone your decision?

If you don't feel ready for another one just yet then I would postpone it for a little longer. I have 4 children altogether but the thought of TTC when one was a 16mth-old would have had me running for the hills.

I am not even 35 yet so I can definitely postpone. My DH would love to have another one now on the theory that it would mean we could get it over and done with and then will be able to get some semblance of a life back sooner, rather than later. He thinks if we wait longer then we will just be getting our lives back to "normal" and we will have to start all over again. I see his view but I can't help but think that I would rather wait until my DS is 3 or so and more able to comprehend and understand things. So I guess we disagree about when will be the right time. He also copes much better than I do and I really don't want to put myself in the position where I can't cope.

Thanks everyone for your advice!

You can and you will, but only if you want to though. Second time around is not nearly so stressful in terms of the worry and panic! I found I became much less stressy and pfb-ish with my first after DS was born too - I'm a much happier and relaxed parent of 2 than I ever was of 1.

Of course, you'll get your moments (2 screaming, needing attention - who do I deal with first?!?!) but on the whole it's not so bad. 15 months between my two - DD was only just walking when DS came along (happy accident!) but I made myself think positively: 'I can and I bloody well will do this!' and sure enough...

Don't go through with it if you don't feel ready though.

The second one is usually much easier. That said, if you really don't enjoy it, then why have a second? A lot of people have only one child these days and there's a lot to be said for it.

Or wait until your DS starts school and then you will have loads of time on your hands to think about the second

I'm probably not having a 2nd, but now DD is 5, the ideal gap for me would have been for her to have been 3.5 to 4 before having another. That way you have one slightly older child who is hopefully toilet trained, maybe having some time at nursery and can spend some time amusing themselves whilst you have your hands full again with a newborn. A two year age gap seems v popular, but I'm not sure I'd like to be dealing with a tiny baby and a toddler at the same time.

I'm in the middle of D&V hell with 2, two and under, so I will try and detach myself from my current misery and be positive for you.

Our second was actually only slightly easier than our first in terms of crying, clinginess and sleeping (everyone told me that DC2 would just 'slot in'. Nope.), but what was easier was coping with the different phases (cluster feeding, growth spurts, jabs etc) because it seems to go by so much faster with DC2 and you know that it gets easier. I really don't enjoy the first year to 18 months. At all. But I know that it will be over soon and then I will have a communicative stroppy toddler.

What I found really interesting was that all my friends who had their DC1s at the same time as me, and particularly those who had utterly miserable times of it, had almost completely forgotten how hard they found it, to the point where they almost rewrote history. Your recollection sounds a bit like mine (burned into your memory), and that should mean that the reality should hopefully be better (or at least not much worse!)

It is worth it. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel (these last few days aside). Grit teeth and get through babyhood, but I agree with those who say don't do it until you feel ready.

There's a lovely recent thread, something like "tell me honestly what is it like with two". I'd link for you but I can't on my phone. Have a look.

I may just be having an unusually good day but I am giving serious thought to number 3 and dd is only 7 months....

I've got a 2.5 yr old ds and a 5 month dd. I'm not lying, it is really tough but ds is pretty high maintenance. Luckily dd is quite an easy baby. If she hadn't been, I don't think I would be coping. Although I am glad I will get the hard work over sooner and they will soon start to play together or at least interact more, if I knew how hard it was going to be then I would have spread them further apart. My friend had 4 years between and is coping much better as her eldest is at school.

Ps: research had said three years is the optimum - close enough for siblings to be close but spaced enough to be more manageable

It is a tough choice. Im 21 and my DS is 15 months and im currently 24 weeks pregnant with our second. We didnt want a big age gap but the pregnancy with a toddler has been really hard so far little bit worried bout how hard it will be when little one actually here.

Lol at mrtumblescrackwhore I have 37 months between mine. DD is 20 weeks old. When she was 6 weeks old, a nosey old bag told me I was very brave having a three year gap, as with 2 years the older child is too young to know any different and at four they're old enough to understand and help. FWlW 3 years has been ok so far. DS, the three year old, seems happy enough with his sister, old enough to do quite a lot of things for himselfand a few things to help me. And his 15 hours a week preschool help him and DD have a life apart from each other.

Notastatistic. I'm a natural worrier, didn't really like the newborn stage, had PND with ds and was very anxious about going through all that again. In reality, it's the logistics of getting out and about that have been the issue and source of stress for me. Ds is very strong willed, extremely sensitive and going through a phase of hitting in playgroup/softplay environments. DD is a bit of an erratic feeder so I never know when I'm going to be needed IYSWIM, so I have to go out to places where ds can't run off or get himself lost or damaged. Add the terrible twos to the mix and it's an ordeal going anywhere without getting scowled at by mums of kids my ds has hit whilst I've been feeding dd (I do deal with it in the way I should, but it's not always possible to be on top of him if he's entrenched in the bowels of a soft play frame), or dd crying as she's hungry and I've had to leave her whilst ds has another meltdown (cue more scowls from mums).

BikeRunSKi thanks. That nosey old bag is completely wrong regarding two year olds not knowing any different. I think it is worse at that age actually because they do know something is going on but don't have the understanding to fully make sense of it. They just process it as being pushed out and respond by regressing (well, my ds did anyway). He's been noticeably happier and developed more now he's at playgroup pre-school two mornings a week, though.

As everyone will tell you there are pros and cons to smaller or bigger age gaps. But if you are struggling with one toddler I would hold off on adding a baby in the mix (if your age is not an issue). You don't want to spend an entire pregnancy stressed out.

We TTC when DD was 13 months and conceived first try which freaked us out, but sadly that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I am now 23 weeks with DC2 and DD will be 3.10 when they arrive (not really planned that way).

Now I am in this situation I am focusing on the positives of this bigger age gap;
the extra time I got with just DD
the alone time I will get with DC2 when DD is at pre-school (18 hours per week)
DD is toliet trained, can dress herself, does not need to be watched every minute etc
DD will start big school just as DC2 is becoming a toddler, so I will get to have plenty of time with as well (I am a SAHM).

So maybe talk to your DH and suggest holding off a year or so to relieve the pressure. I think a three year gap is pretty ideal, still close in age but first DC is much more independent than a 2 year old.

MrTumblesCrackWhore Thanks it is the travelling thats most worrying as me and my fiance dont have a car so i decided to go for a sling for new baby as we live up 4 flights of stairs . Im dreading bus travel especially if they both kick off atthe same time lol.

We have a 2.10 age gap and it's really manageable. 2 years or less would've killed me. Most of my friend have about 3 years and we're all doing OK. Plus you get 15 hours of childcare for DC1 funded which really helps.

I know some people want to get the pain out of the way as quickly as possible by having two close together but it wasn't for us. People I know with a smaller gap seem very frazzled.

Good luck. Having 2 is wonderful. Our two play really well together and there is no jealousy.

Forgot to add - DD2 much easier than DD1. She fitted right in. I wore her in a Moby wrap for the first few months and DD1 didn't really notice she was there. i was more confident and DD2 didn't have reflux or weight gain issues which helped. If we were younger and better off I would do it all again. Having DD1 was a massive shock.

I find babies very tough, but I knew I wanted 2. So I have a 22 month gap to get the awfulness out of the way. I thought having one was hard, but with two now, one seems a piece of cake! The logistics took a while to get my head around but you find your own way through. Being second child, DC2 had to fit in more with the family routines/schedules whereas with DC1 everything was structured around her. DC2 seems none the worse for this. DC1 and DC2 get on really well (1 and 3 now) and are starting to entertain each other leaving me to mumsnet which is bliss!

I have just been on another thread where op asking what she should have from 1 to 2 if she is just having one and I have said close together. However from what you have said, age allowing I would wait until your DC is at school or nearly at school. I found 1 to 2 awful for the first 18 months at least and still think of that time with sadness..... however 2/3 was easy peasy (DD2 was nearly at school / just under 3 years between 1/2)

Hi, just wanted to add, don't forget it's not all about the baby/toddler stage! I personally find it very difficult dealing with 2 children and their different demands on my attention, their squabbling etc and mine are 12 and 7 (and have been at it since ds (second child) was about 2...

The baby stage (with ds, dd having just started in reception) was a breeze by comparison - I never wanted two (or more!) close together and think that must be incredibly tough in the early months/years. People I know in this situation have usually found the second baby easier to cope with as they have the experience, but having an active toddler who may still not be sleeping reliably is the 'killer'.

People I know with only one child seem to have made much less adjustment to their lives as they knew them before children - they tend to take the child with them to adult events more readily than those with a 'brood'.
Good luck with your decision!

Thanks for the advice everyone. I definitely do want a second child - I have no doubt about that but I think deep down I really think it would be best for me to wait for about a 3-4 age gap rather than 2-3 years which is what my DH is proposing. I feel bad because I know how much he would love another one right now and he is a wonderful father but I think for my own mental wellbeing a 3+ year age gap will be better for me.

I can vouch for the 3 year age gap between two children. I have 3.3y gap between my two DC and it's been ideal. DS1 was out of nappies by the time I had DS2, so I only had one in nappies at the time. I really cannot see why people have a 2 year age gap and find it easy! The thought terrified me, tbh. There are very few people I know with a 3yr age gap, most tend to have 2yr gap or under #

It's not something you should rush into if you are not sure, even if everyone else is popping them out quickly. Just take your time with the decision and if you found it hard with your first (I had many moments like that) then wait a while and enjoy your firstborn a little longer.