Worried 6yr old ds is learning very unhealthy relationship pattern...

[MerryMarigold]

...he has a 'best friend' at school. Bf is lovely to him one minute and then 'dumps' him the next, starts being unkind until ds gets the message and stops playing with him. As soon as bf wants, my ds comes running again. This pattern has been going on for about a year. It's not the usual 'not gonna be your friend anymore', partly because ds loves and admires this kid so much, and partly because it goes with quite a bit of nasty stuff (Don't play with me, or any of my other friends for weeks at a time). Some of the 'dumpings' are worse than others, one lasted several months after quite a severe bout of bullying. On the other hand, I can see that my ds is quite intense with his friend, and maybe this is just a young child's way of saying, "I've had enough of you."

Ds said on Sat, "Wouldn't it be great if I lived in a house with T (bf) and we could play all the time together." I said, "But what if T didn't want to be your friend?". Ds says, "I could go right up to the very top of the house and play by myself until he wants to be my friend again." I felt so sad and angry!!! That he could allow himself to be dumped and picked up at this friend's bidding, and that his 'friend' can be really nasty but he still comes back for more. I don't know how to communicate to ds that it's not acceptable to be treated like this, and he shouldn't see it as acceptable. I said to him, "You should tell T you have found some other friends now."

I have tried to get him friendly with other kids, but he's a bit immature compared to many other kids in his class so they don't always take to him, and he doesn't really take to them anyway. When he is friends with the 'bf', he's also quite anxious, his sleeping gets worse and I imagine he's worrying about if/ when the bad's going to come, as it has done so many times in the past year. When he's not friends with the bf, he plays with a couple of kids who I like actually, they are very sweet, though marginalised themselves. He's a lot more relaxed when he's with them though - he's more the top dog I guess and feels good about himself. I am not happy either about him 'using' these kids.

shameless bump!

If your child's class teacher is any good, I think it would be worth discussing with her your concerns about your son having an overly intense relationship with this one child. Not saying a teacher can solve the problem, but she could at least make sure that if she is dividing children into groups for work, your son ends up in a different group from his "best friend". Also, have you tried to "promote" the friendships with the two other children your son plays with, eg inviting them round to tea?

My DS had this in reception and Yr 1 - a very strong sole "friendship" with another boy. It was an absolute nightmare - there was always trouble - the other boy was older (but same year) and very good at not being around when the adults finally realised there were problems. I found the school to be very unhelpful - I really was treated as being a trouble maker with a PFB whereas I am usually the 1st to admit that my own DS is no angel. My son is being assessed for possible issues so dealing with him subtly on this was not possible. I hoped to be able to quietly suggest that he play with other children as well but he finds that unwritten rules at school very hard to follow. Things have settled down a bit in Yr 2 - mostly due to the other child finding a new bf and the Yr 2 teacher realising that actually (sadly) the 2 boys together just isnt good for class dynamics. So sorry no real helpful suggestions - it is stressful. I have discussed my concerns with a couple of the other mums and have managed to arrange a few playdates that way.

Thanks both of you. Nonickname, I spoke to the class teacher as soon as he went into Y1 as Reception had been so awful. I think she was a bit dismissive until she saw it all in action, and now she is on board. She does separate them when possible. They are in different groups anyway. It still goes on though, lunchtimes and all the play times and fruit time. My ds is not interested in having the other kids round that he plays with when he's been rejected. It's a bit difficult because they are strict Muslim and both ESL so talking to parents is challenging and they are not always open to their kids going to houses unsupervised, but I guess I could try harder with them. I don't think ds would like it though. He's always waiting till the 'bf' will pick him back up. He's been asking today if 'bf' can come round. Do you think I should just 'force' the other kids on to him a bit and hope the friendships take off?

Veryconfused, my ds sounds similar. He struggles socially with the other kids in school, though he is a friendly and outgoing boy. His teachers always describe him as 'young'. Do you mind if I ask what your ds is being assessed for? Also, how are his friendships now the 'bf' has another best friend? Is he happier?

Merry, on the question of whether to "force" the other children on your DS, it depends how you think your DS will react if he finds that one of the children has arrived at your house to play. If you think that when presented with the other child he will just go ahead and play with him, then I think that's a good plan. However, if he is likely to simply ignore the other child or behave unpleasantly towards him then I don't think you should try to "force" the friendship. It wouldn't be fair on the other child and wouldn't achieve anything.

hi, my DS is a late summer born so is joint youngest in the year. I tried to defer him but in the state education system in England you cannot. So when he was just 3 I went to see the head of our village school and and we described him as immature even back then. He seems quite indifferent to friendships and really does not get feelings. Yet another incident today in the park where he pushed another child, and when asked about it by me in a "soft" way he just said he doesn't want friends. I guess that is a self-protection mechanism. He doesn't seem particularly happy but his dad and I are separated which really doesn't help.

After doing much soul searching and reading on these boards I started to feel that PDA may fit. Quite social on the surface, lots of role play, high anxiety. I got a referral via the GP to a community paediatrician. We have just had the 2nd appt and she will refer us on to SALT and an ed pych specialising in autism as she feels there are issues to be investigated. I bravely mentioned PDA and the CP seemed fairly interested. My DS is supported by the school on School Action but they are a bit lukewarm about the referral.