crappy slow dithery eaters - does the ignore and throw really work 100% ?

[hophophippidtyhop]

dd, 4.5 doesn't eat a huge variety, though it's nowhere near as bad as only a handful of foods. It has to be fairly plain, no saucy stuff. She has got pickier as she has stopped eating food she previously used to gobble up. Anyway, my main problem is, she will often sit there and just not eat, or pick sparingly at it every now and then. I desperately try not to say anything, but fail miserably, repeating 'eat your dinner up' god knows how many times sometimes.It's particulary bad if she has decided she doesn't like the dinner - she's happy to go hungry rather than eat dinner. She knows that I don't expext a cleared plate, but I do want more than 1 slice of carrot eaten!
I really don't want to turn into my mother, who would make me sit for over an hour sometimes, til I cleared my plate. So, if I put the plate down, ignore any non eating, and just throw away whatever's left after 30- 40 minutes, will she improve? Any tips greatly appreciated on how to go about it, and how quick/long it may take. I'd like to sort it out before it drives me insane!
She also is bad at using her hands instead of spoon and fork, even though she is quite capbable, any tips on that too?

You could be talking about my DS, he is exactly the same. I have often been tempted to record myself saying, "DS sit still, DS eat your dinner" I could then play it on a loop during meals and save myself a whole lot of effort!

I have noticed though that he will eat when he is hungry. He goes through very definite phases of eating quite a lot, then others of seeming to eat very little. I am trying to just trust that he will eat as much as he needs, although it is difficult as he is very small and skinny, plenty of energy though! Re using hands instead of cutlery, I have to confess I do the odd bit of nagging, but I am mainly just happy if the food gets eaten. I get sick of the sound of my own voice as it is, I am hoping that will just come with time! Sorry, I don't think I have really answered your question. Hopefully someone with some better advice will be along soon!

It is so frustrating, isn't it? She can be so stubborn about it sometimes - I know that if I were to swap to something that was a favourite, it would be gone! I'm hoping to sort it out before dd2 becomes aware of it, as at 18 months she's great for trying a bit of anything and feeding herself. I often ignore the hands as well and think "at least she's eating", but when we are out or eating with others she will happily use them!

Don't give her 30 or 40minutes, give her 20, and time it with an egg timer so she can see her time running out.

If she's not enthusiastically eating when the timer goes off, take it away and bin it.

I'm still a slow eater and I'm 24. It's not cause I'm NOT eating or busy chatting, sometimes it does take me up to 40 minutes to finish a meal. I'm not the only one in my group of friends either.

I don't really see it as a huge problem, it stops indigestion and instead you eat until you're full rather than until you've finished everything on your plate.

Don't throw it away until after bedtime, otherwise you end up with a dilemma later when they say they are hungry.

Offer, take away, cover & retain after 30 mins, re-offer if hungry, bed, throw away

when I've taken her dinner away before, she usually screams that she is going to eat it - do I give her a chance or just chuck? Though I really know just chuck is the answer really, isn't it? If she says she's hungry later (we eat about 5 -5.30), do I give her anything or just say you should have eaten your dinner?

I totally understand your frustration. DD4 would take an hour to eat a small bread roll at one point. I explained fully what we were going to do. We did the 20 minutes. Timer sat in front of her and after 20 minutes food was thrown without a word. We were very strong on her not eating anything between meals, either until she improved and ate a meal in time.
It took 3 meal times of her eating a just a few mouthfuls, then on the 4th one the meal was gone within about 10 minutes, every mouthful, no fuss.

DD4 was being really controlling about her food and it became a vicious circle of me getting more and more wound up with her and worried about her lack of food. Once i had taken control back, but without any shouting or getting frustrated it worked brilliantly.

I have had to return to this method a few times since when she has slipped back, but not for a number of years now and she is a really good eater now who eats well and at a normal pace.

Its really worth doing. Good luck

SOrry a long time typing there, between making a cuppa and loading dishwasher, so I x-posted.

I would say, if she is old enough to understand, then once the time is up, food taken away and nothing until next meal. We had to be really strict and it went against all my normal parenting to take food away, then refuse her food when hse asked, but her hospital consultant (we see him for something totally unrelated) said it was all controlling behaviour so she needed to know who actually had the control.

I will get a timer and give it a go, I don't want to be a nag for the next few years. I'd just like to sit down and be able to enjoy eating together.

I do think swooosh has a good point. I have to confess I am a slow eater too but DS takes even longer than I do, and it is often because he can't stop talking, or sit still! There are positives to eating slowly, but like everything I think it is about getting a balance. I would give longer than 20 minutes to eat a meal, as I would struggle to finish in that time, and I have always hated being made to rush my food, I would rather not eat than rush a meal.

Oh dear, I hadn't really thought that one through before, guess now I know why DS is so slow! If you do get a timer, could you come back and let us know how it went, I might try the same, although I think it will have to be set to about 40 minutes to give me time to eat as well. I think I will be timing myself at dinner tonight!

My DS is a slow eater. What works for us is to eat together in the kitchen without TV. MY DS is 5 and has just started learning about time in school.

I give him 30 mins to finish the meal and if he hasn't finished his dinner, there isn't time for dessert. We discuss the timings in advance. For example; 'you need to eat your pasta and veggies by the time Busy Basil (minute hand), gets to number 3'. No pressure, but I remind him 5 mins before deadline. I also only give him what I expect him to eat and either give seconds if they are asked for or have extra raw veggie sticks in the middle. I don't offer bread and he isn't allowed a drink refill until dessert.

For breakfast time on a school day he gets to pick cereal from about 5 favourites and I leave the fruit bowl on the table. I remind him when he needs to be finished and leave him to it.

Mealtimes used to be so pressurised, we had to have a radical re-think. I know this all sounds strict but it really does take the pressure off and means we have happy, peaceful and chatty meals together.

Good luck x

swooosh I don't mind about her being a slow eater, I'm not fast myself, it's the fact she won't eat that bothers me! I can often tell within 3 minutes if she's made her mind up to not eat.
We always eat in the kitchen, no tv in there, I've seen how distracting it can be with my nephews.
Going to get a clock with hands so she can visibly see when time is almost up, and I'll give her 30 minutes - I'd struggle with 20!

octopussting think I will hang on to food, then I won't have her thinking she can hold out for something better to come along!

My DS (5 and a half) is exactly the bloomin same and he drives me mental. This is how it goes:

1. PLate put in front of DS. "What is it/what's in it?"
2. "eeeeeeeeeeeeeurgh, I hate that, it's disgusting."
3. Wiggles and dances, squirms and gurns for about 20 minutes
4. Might pick up the odd thing and poke it with his fingers.

If it's something I know he likes it's fine but he still arses about (squirming, singing, getting up for a dance).

I might start setting a timer and flinging after set time. To be followed with no pudding etc. I'm also trying to train him out of his initial responses, (particularly #2) because it's so bloody rude and ungrateful.

DS was the same as Silverthorns. We have started a no thank you rule. We give him things we know he likes and add something new. He must take 2 bites without fuss and then he can leave it. He still hates trying new things but is getting better. There are a couple of things he now loves that he resisted for ages - bacon, steak, cauliflower, baked potato.

We have set meal and snack times and don't offer anything in between. I have started to be much stricter about what he eats. Tis a massive pita and very stressful.

If my DS didn't want to eat after 30 mins, I just leave him and don't say anything. We just get on with our day as if nothing has happened. This happened a handful of times and he eats quite well now.

Thank you all for posting and commenting on this thread. This is exactly what i just logged onto mumsnet to ask about. The only problem with me, is that the eating offenders are my partners children. There is no tantrum, no declaration of disgust for the food they've been offered, well not usually... but there is HUGE reluctance to just eat!!! Both of them aged 5 & 3, just sit there and do nothing, unless you coach them through every single forkful!!! It drives me insane so i quietly leave the room. I have 3 good eaters, so this is something completely new to me. My partner has been known to feed them both, aged 5!!!! and 3. I think that their mother feeds them to, in order for them to actually eat something, but subsequently neither of them know or have the control to use their own cutlery very well! The 5 year old takes the smallest bite (literally nibbles a bit of of what ever is on his fork) rather than taking it all off in one mouthful, then proceeds to chew it for 5 mins!!!!!!! Trying to get the 3 year old to actually swallow her food is really hard, I say OK, you've chewed it now, time to swallow it, but she just doesn't seem to understand at all and carry's on chewing!!! We all have a happy relationship, I've never shouted at them at all, they are incredibly shy, and oddly don't know how to cuddle. And whilst I'm having a rant, I think Waaaayyyyyyy to overly protected by their mother. She bought a double buggy when the eldest started school so that he didn't have to walk the 1/4 of a mile (if that) cos he would be tired, and he may trip into the road!!!!! It wasn't like she already had one, she went to buy one, she tried a buggy board, but didn't like it, so went and bought a double buggy!!! She recently took her son to A & E cos he hadn't had a poo for 2 days!!!!! Sorry to rant, and I've completely changed the subject. I just now need to know how to explain to my partner that we need to set a time limit to eat their dinner. Mine are usually on their second helpings of pudding when his are having their main meal reheated cos it's gone stone cold!!!!! (that happened yesterday!!! I needed to get this rant out of my system and we are thinking of moving in together and I need to find a way to get through this, as I wouldn't accept this behaviour, or rather I'd recognise it, and try to do something about it, from my own children, but it's so much harder when they're not your own!!
Thanks for reading, and sorry if I have hijacked this thread.

Oh, meant to say - I know all the received wisdom says that you must sit/eat with your child - the way things work with us is that DS eats on his own at 5pm, DS2 eats at nursery before he gets home and DH and I eat after they're in bed.

I usually sit and chat with DS1 while he's eating but to be honest, I think that makes things worse; it certainly winds me up. And although it feels really tight I often think that if I just left him on his own he might get on with it faster/better?

I think my DS eats better on his own too. It may help them feel less pressurized and more in control. I like to eat together at dinner time; sometimes I just sit with him if it is too early.