One-to-one time with each child

[Scummymummy]

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can create some uninterupted individual time for each of my children? I'm getting a bit worried because, in effect, they are spending every moment of the day together- they're non/id twins boys aged 2 yrs 7 mnths and very close. One of the boys in particular is not making much eye contact when he speaks and I'm wondering whether this is because they tend to be spoken to as a team, particularly outside the home. Anyway, I thought that I should redouble my efforts to spend individual time with each of the boys but I'm a bit stuck on how to manage this. When they go to grandparents' houses, playgroup etc, they go together of necessity so that I can go to work (p/t). It's practically impossible to play with one and not the other at home. My partner works f/t and likes to catch up with both boys on his days off since he doesn't see as much of them as he'd like during the working week. Has anyone got any magic solutions?

Scummymummy - this is a very difficult one! I know how very difficult it is to spend enough one-to-one time with each of my 3 children, although it has got slightly easier now the eldest is at school full-time and the middle one is at playschool 5 mornings a week. I imagine that your boys, as twins, are very close, do they mind being apart from each other, or would this be the first hurdle you face?

Speaking from my own experience, my eldest 2 love playing on the computer, and have some great fun children's educational games (so are learning at the same time). I know your boys are still quite young, but do you think that they could manage one of the easier games (eg. Tweenies or Bob the Buider) where thy just have to control the mouse? If so, you could put one on the computer and do cooking/painting/drawing etc. with the other, and then swap over.

Another idea is to let one play at one of their friend's houses (which they love to do) and you do something with the other one (go to the park/play in the garden) and then swap over another day.

If you and dp both have your weekends off together, perhaps for just 1 hour a day you could each do something with one son, and then swap over the next day. That way it wouldn't really interfere with your dp catching up with both boys. It would also be nice for both of you to see each of their own personalities and characters in their own right. All of my 3 children are so different, it's hard to think that they are brothers and sister sometimes!

I hope that my ideas don't seem too idealistic to you, and might be of some use. Don't worry yourself too much about this, Scummymummy, you and dp both sound like good, caring parents and I'm sure that your children are lovely, happy little boys.

As for the eye contact, I'm sure my eldest ds didn't look at me when I was talking to him at your sons' age, and at age 5, he still doesn't!! (neither does dh at age 32 - do you think it's a boy/man thing?) Actually, on a more serious note, are you sure that he can hear you properly? My ds has glue ear (we're waiting to hear what will be done about it) so sometimes he just can't hear me when I'm talking to him.

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Scummymummy - this is very tough, and takes some sacrifice to make that time. Is there anyway in your budget you can send them to playgroup for an extra session? - maybe they could swap over each half term, so that you could have a morning alone each week with just one? Depending on your area funding for playgroup may be available from as young as 3 - but it does vary widely.

I agree too with ChanelNo5's suggestion about doing a swap with a friend. If you can face having 3 children around on a regular basis, you could find a friend and swap a child once a week or so, that way you might have a morning with 1, and a morning with 3 each week.

Do you have any relatives around or a helpful hubby? It's tempting to send both boys off for a break, and I'm sure you need it, but once in a while you could just send one.

Hope these comments are helpful - I've no experience of twins, and they might be completely unrealistic. My two boys are 2.5 and 4, and they benefit hugely from time apart, and individ. attention. I've just sent the youngest to playgroup, when the older one is at home with me. Everyone is surprised that I haven't organised it to have a 'free' session for myself, for chores, or a job. But at this stage I just feel he needs some individual attention, which he hasn't had for 2.5 years, especially in this year before he starts school. So the sacrifice is worth it.

Robinw - Thanks for the info about xylitol. I was just wondering, do you know what quantity of it the child must have a day to make a difference to their glue ear? I'm definitely going to give it a go, but am not sure how much to give.

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I can speak from a twin’s point of view (non-indentical twin girls). I’d say that your boys are still quite young to be worrying about making an effort to separate them. We really enjoyed each other’s company right through our childhood till our teens particularly in the first 5 years or so. As you will know they will tend to be slower in development than single kids and will tend to form their own language. They may tend to be in their own world and this could be the reason for one of your boys lacking in eye contact. I am sure there is nothing to worry about and you should enjoy the advantage of having twins in that they can amuse each other for hours. It is natural for them to want to be together.

Having said that you will probably find that there is a dominant twin and this is where you may need to make an effort to treat the twins differently. Try not to let the dominant one demand too much attention. You may have noticed that it is not a simple case of that one ‘being the boss’ – twin relationships don’t work like that – they are often painstakingly equal. Usually the dominance comes into force when making interactions with adults and he may act up and be naughty. In my sisters case this was actually due to a lack of confidence which was difficult for my parents to detect. Whereas I was obviously more shy. The dominant twin tends to take up the whole personality of the twins and often the other seems to be just the follower. It is difficult to describe but there really isn’t ‘room’ for one whole personality to develop at the same time. This is why it is important that the twins should stay together but at the same time make sure that they are both encouraged to be themselves.

The problem is if you treat them too differently then they will notice and feel that the other is getting preferential treatment – so it is no easy task. They probably won’t appreciate doing anything different till they are old enough to understand the concept. I think it would have been good for us if we’d been encouraged to have separate hobbies. I was very late to develop my own sense of self – perhaps as late as my twenties. This meant that I was rather a passive teenager who found it difficult to make decisions or take the initiative. Fortunately I did get there eventually and I am on the whole a happier adult than my sister. From discussions with my parents it is not easy being parents of twins as my sisters ‘went off the rails’ in her teens and they couldn’t understand why because they had brought us up exactly the same. They probably realise that they should have treated her more differently but difficult for them to say how. They had no experience of twins and there was a lot less twins around in those days. Just being aware of what can happen should be enough for you. Try the separation but only gradually and for short times, obviously with another adult and make it clear that you are not doing anything ‘better’ with the other twin so they don’t think they are missing out. As you say it is difficult but even if you and your partner are just in separate rooms.

Having read the above I don't want to suggest that there is always a bad twin/good twin … I am being a bit negative here. Twins will be as different as any other child. On the whole it is a unique experience and is wonderful having a constant playmate. Despite my sisters later behaviour I still had a great childhood with her and she was definitely my best friend.

Thanks, Robinw, I'll send Wendy an e-mail.

Thanks everyone! I think there's some really useful stuff here.
It's particularly nice to hear a twin's perspective on things, Eulalia. I agree that they're too young to worry about separating in a way- I'm not worried about their dependence on each other- it's there but in a fairly healthy and fulfilling way, I think. I do think it's important for each of them to get the odd moment alone with me though (and my partner, of course) and this is what I've been finding a bit hard to manage. Having said that, they seem to be doing fine. They are very different little people in terms of both personality and appearance, which helps because it just doesn't come naturally to see them as a single unit. They do play together a lot and both talk nineteen to the dozen to each other and everyone else but they don't have a secret language as far as I can tell. One of them likes to make up words though!
I think the lack of eye contact thing is partly just a personality thing- he's quite daydreamy and likes playing pretend and maybe it's hard for him to re-enter reality sometimes. Could well just be a male trait tho, Chanelno5! My own partner isn't exactly prince of the eyeball to eyeball brigade either, now I that I think about it.
Do you have a special mouse for your kids when they use the pc? My boys are quite keen on the computer but my 2 buttons plus wheel mouse defeats them at the moment- they click both at the same time and open windows I didn't know were there!

No, I haven't got a special mouse for my eldest two, but they are a bit older than yours so have now got the hang of it. I'll have to look into seeing whether I can get a mouse for the younger user though, as my youngest is 18 mths, and I'm sure in few more months he'd love to have a bash on it (quite literally, no doubt!).

Scummymummy, just to say that this is something over which I too have agonised (and still do occasionally).It is tough, and I think I felt it very strongly when they were little and all my friends had just one baby to whom they were able to devote all their time and attention. However talking to people with 4 or more children, and also to a couple of adult twins helped me to put it into perspective a bit more. Parents of larger families pointed out that individual time for each child was very rare, but that they felt that the benefits outweighed the disadvantages. Similarly I think my dd's have masses of fun being twins. They are special to us and each other. They are able to share so much. I really appreciated hearing Eulalia's point of view.So much of what you said is familiar. At this stage they do love being together, and attempts to involve them individually with dh and myself are often met with suspicion that one might be 'missing out'. Sometimes one will come shopping as she enjoys it and her sister is less keen, but most other activities appeal to both, and they usually have more fun doing things together.
I have found since they started school that a great way to get a little individual time is for a cuddle and a chat in my bed first thing. Sometimes (often!) one or the other has come into our bed in the night, so this is easier to achieve. sometimes one will wake up first.. and often this seems to alternate, which is very fortuitous.