Feel like I can't cope with the DS I have so how will I manage with 2???

[verycherry82]

I have a DS, 14 months and am 27 weeks pregnant with DS2. I'm back at work full time and doing a couple of days from home a week. DS is with a different family member / friend 3-4 days a week so they are there when he wakes up and they give him his tea before DP and I get home for bathtime and bedtime. This will stop when I go on leave at the end of the month.

For the past couple of months I have noticed that DS is so much more badly behaved with me. He often refuses food, spits out what I give him, won't open his mouth, throws his head and hand around so the food goes everywhere, whines constantly if I'm around but plays happily on his own if I'm not and is generally just hard work. This morning's breakfast was a nightmare and I ended up losing my temper again (this is becoming a regular occurrence now) and shouting so much until he cried. I also smacked him.

I just feel like I'm not coping and I can't control my frustration with him. I miss him so much when I'm at work and then I come home and it's just so difficult because he's whiney and demanding.

Please help! I am so worried about how I will cope when number 2 arrives if I am feeling so frustrated and angry now. What can I do to get him to eat when I'm feeding him or stop the whining and clinginess when I'm around?

at least you've got plenty help

try doing it on your own

ssd - not helpful. Not coping, whether you have help or not is an awful feeling.

VC - I hated the first two years with my ds, even though I loved him to bits. He was a very strong character, who battled me for every nappy change, every meal, every bedtime. I didn't have mn either, so felt a complete failure and didn't have anyone to chat to.

If it is any help, the thing that made him much more manageable was the arrival of ds2. Before he never really enjoyed being at home, loved childcare/activity groups/anything that involved activity but by becoming a big brother he found some point to being at home, and things improved from there on.

You do sound low. I delayed going to the GP thinking I couldn't have PND as a) ds was too old, I thought and b) I had lots of support available - though I didn't really use it as I wasn't being honest about how I felt. Once I admitted I was struggling and went for help, things improved enormously.

Can you talk to your Health Visitors? GP? You will also get lots of support and good advice on here, honestly.

PS - a couple more thoughts.

Your ds1 is still very little. Don't worry if he is not opening his mouth or throwing food around at mealtimes. They do that, and he may well be tired and a little confused being with different family members/friends each day, so may do it more than some. But he does love you. He will love you for ever, cause that's what children do. But they also get cross and make a mess and cause us loads of stress.

If you can, try for loads of tickling! I found it saved my sanity when my ds1 seemed to be hell bent on making life difficult for me - but was just being a rather full on one year old. Getting him giggling, getting the physical contact and having fun together is much more important than having a clean flat, or being up to date with everything.

Can't believe that you haven't had more advice on here. Perhaps try reposting with the title "How the hell do you cope with two kids under 18 months?" There are others who have survived/coped/come through the other side and are now enjoying the benefits having two kids close to each other in age, who can play together/do stuff together. This is a phase you are going through. It will get better. But if you can, get some advice and help to help you to enjoy it more too.

You are going to have a very close gap between your two, which will be tough for the first two years or so, with double nappy changes, and broken nights. Look after yourself as much as you can. Organise your childcare so that you get some sleep too (I found that if I went to bed at 8pm, once a week, it helped enormously)

HTH

And ssd wins the 'most useless post of the month' award.

Anyway.

Firstly, children are always more badly behaved at home with their own parents, so don't take it personally. He's testing the boundaries at home because that's where he is most comfortable and he know he can do it without being rejected.

If you've smacked him, I think you're right to ask for help to control his behaviour (and your own) before a second one gets thrown into the mix. DD didn't reach her 'trying age' until she 2.5 years so I don't think the techniques we used will help you very much. :( My main advice is that, if you get frustrated and want to hit something, walk away, hit something else (I find throwing stuff helps), breathe, and come back. Also, put it in perspective - it's ok if he messes around with his food, it can all be cleaned up and if he's really hungry, he'll eat. It's not the end of the world, it doesn't reflect badly on anyone.

Are there any parenting classes in your area you can join or is your HV able to provide support? Can you take a few days leave to spend more time with your son and do some 'fun stuff' to get to know him a bit more? If you have a partner, can you discuss this with him and agree on how to deal with tantrums and other difficult behaviour?

You're pregnant so it's going to get tougher as you feel more tired and have less energy to chase around, so get every bit of support you can get your hands on.

Hi. Sorry you are feeling so frustrated.

I have 2 very spirited, trying, frustrating brats DD's.. As said above, DC will always push boundaries at home as that's where they feel secure. It's a good sign. If he did not feel secure and loved at home he would would not be acting up.

He is looking for a reaction so try not to give him one. I try to remove myself from the room when I feel like I am going to lose my temper. I walk outside (after making sure the DD's are secure) repeating something like "I will not get sucked in. I will not react. I will not get sucked in".

My neighbours probably think I'm insane

Have just seen this. Having a one year old, working full time and being 27 weeks pregnant is completely exhausting, never mind having to drop off and collect from a variety of childcare sources. You are doing amazingly, keeping a roof over your heads, keeping a job going and raising a family. It's hard work, isn't it?

However, you have posted here for help because you feel that you are not coping and can't control your frustration. Well done for posting and asking for help - that's an important step.

If you have a good HV, do ask her to pop round and talk to yo. (You may have to take a day off to see her, mightn't you? But then it sounds v much as if you deserve a day or two off - just to look after and pamper yourself a bit.) You will be amazed at how much talking to someone who knows can help. She should be able to offer practical suggestions too, to help you - even if it is as simple as walking away and counting to ten, or giving up on the meal and having a cuddle/tickletime instead.

Your ds sounds like a completely normal, healthy 14 month old. However, you have recognised that your reaction to him is not as healthy - and it is not much fun for you, when you feel like that. I totally sympathise - IME one year olds are frustrating. (I battled through the 'orrible ones with mine, waiting in terror for the terrible twos with mine - and found that 12 - 24 months was far far worse for my dss than the twos. By then they could understand sooooo much more and explain what they wanted so much better.)

Best of luck

I don't know how you'll do it, but you will because you'll have no choice.

I have 16 month old twins and they sound very like your 14 month old. I am back at work (ostensibly full time, but having an annual leave day once a week) and DTs spend two days a week with my mum. For her, they eat, they play nicely together (or at least alongside each other!) AND THEY SLEEP (can you tell which of these gets me down the most?!). For me, they open their mouths then snap them shut and turn away at the last moment, they constantly squabble over toys and hit each other and they NEVER GO TO SLEEP .

I think hope that this behave-for-them-not-for-you is a normal part of boundary testing (afterall, they know we'll love them no matter what, right). But that doesn't make it any easier when I struggle to get them to bed for two hours then DH wanders in, gives them a cuddle and lays them down (though obviously I am so so thankful that he can, or we'd be there all night!).

What I'm trying to at is that I think most people struggle with boundary-pushing toddlers at this age, and that you just have to keep going through it. When your new (tiny, crumpled, sweet-smelling) baby arrives, you'll just get on with it. Take each moment as it comes and do whatever needs doing most in that moment. I've found thats the only way to juggle the demands of two babies who ideally would have you all to themselves. You can't plan it, you just have to respond to the most urgent/important need at each moment in time

Good luck. It will be exhausting and stressful (and no doubt you'll cry), but you will get through it, and your babies will always have a sibling as a result

Just noticed that your ds eats in the week at your relatives/friends houses, so you only need to feed him at weekends -yes? He won't starve therefore or get into bad habits, if you let him have a plate of finger food to play with and don't worry how much goes in. Much more important to have mum feeling relaxed and happier.

Also, please do show this thread to your dp. You say that you both work full time, but that you are worried about how you are going to cope with the new baby. If you both work full time (or even if you don't) then raising both children is a joint job, up to you both. Plan together how you are going to cope - including how you are both going to get some chill time - think a pint at the pub with friends or a long bath, with soft music and candles, every now and then - and a DVD/takeaway to share together, too. Look after yourselves.

Thank you all so much for the advice! I know I am lucky to have so much support and that somehow makes feeling like you are not coping even worse because you feel like a spoiled brat complaining and moaning about how hard you are finding things when you know other people manage brilliantly with no support. I think it feels worse because I wanted my 2 close together so have got exactly what I want really.

I finish work for mat leave at the end of March and I think that will help in terms of being able to reconnect with DS1 and get back to doing fun stuff.

Longtall - I think you may be right about becoming a big brother being good for him. He loves having other children around and is quite happy to play wth the dog as long as she'll let him so it will be better for him to have someone else around.

Ciske - I have just phoned spoken to DP and we are going to go swimming with DS and to the park on Sunday so that we can all have some family time. You are right about walking away and taking deep breaths. There is no excuse for losing your temper. I will try the advice Lucky gave and leave the room!

Boundary testing also sounds reasonable as an explanation and if I tell myself that's what he's doing then it will help me stay reasonable.

Thank you all so much again! I feel like I have some techniques to use now!

very, I was snappy and short with you yesterday and I apologise

I haven't any help and I often think my problems would disappear if I had some support

you post shows me it is possible to have support but still have problems

as a mum of two, my only advice will be you'll all muddle through this difficult phase aND COME OUT THE END FINE OOPs CAPS ON

and trust me, we all lose our tempers and smack the odd time, then immediately regret it

smacking never helps but we're all human

goos luck, and sorry again

Good to see you back ssd. I remain in complete awe of single parents who manage day after day, particularly those with no family support. You are fully entitled to a moan/encouragement/sympathy - especially on MN - just not on a thread where someone is feeling vulnerable - as you realised!

Hope that you can both keep posting. You are right - it does come OK in the end - but a bit of MN support on the way always helps and can sometimes literally be a life saver.