Need some advice re: year tutor

[EricNorthmansFangBanger]

Just needing a little bit of advice regarding my year tutor and whether or not she is being unreasonable or whether I'm just taking it out of context.

Bit of background first: basically I had to suspend my second year of studies last year as I was dealing with my husband having depression and also ended up missing a few lectures and therefore deadlines. I was also pregnant and therefore due to all the combined factors I was essentially told that I had to suspend my course or be removed. My husband was in his final year but due to the depression was also made to suspend.

We both returned to our courses in September when DD2 was 13 weeks old. At first everything was fine, my husband was attending regularly (as opposed to not at all from last year) and everything was fine. By Novermber he was only attending sporadically and then by December had stopped attending again - this is a discussion for another thread but basically wanted to point out he's not coping again.

I had PND with DD1 after she was born and thought I'd escaped it with DD2. Unfortunately at the very beginning of November I began to show the symptoms of PND again but ignored them for as long as I could before having some scary thoughts about suicide etc, which led me to go to the dr in January. I was prescribed anti-depressants but as my husband had only just started back on his and was suffering many side effects, I decided to wait for a fortnight in the hope that some of the side effects would wear off for him as I felt that because I did not know how I would be affected that it wouldn't be wise to test it out with 2 small children (DD1 just turned 4 and DD2 now 8 months).

As a result, my attendance has been quite shocking and I have been struggling a bit with uni in general. I made my year tutor and my lecturers aware of my situation re:PND and apologised for my absence.

My year tutor is very aware of my situation as I have kept her updated and obviously because of what happened last year. At the beginning of the year, my year tutor and my husbands course leader had so very blatently talked and I was asked to consider going part time. I had already gave this thought some consideration and had decided it was not for me. My year tutor pushed me a little but I was very reluctant to budge so she told me that this would be my final chance as I had so much any resources on me from last year (which were a letter and two meetings - one where I was told to suspend and the other where I agreed to suspension). All that did was to put me on edge from the word go.

So, fast forward to now. I had an assignment due on 20th feb, I emailed my lecturer for the module, who is also the module leader, to ask for an extension. He was very helpful, told me I have a 2 week extension and told me that usually you have to go through your year tutor, which I did not know, but in this instance he was more than happy to do this as long as I provided a drs note upon submission. Now that has been a tremendous help and I am due to hand it in on Monday. I have a few submissions due close together (a good 4 of them) plus continuing work on other ongoing group assignments. I have felt myself still struggling. My mum also turned up on my doorstep after an argument with my dad, driving an hour to get to our house, and said she was wanting a divorce from my dad, so with my nerves shot I decided to ask for an extension to one of my assignments. Due to my year tutors attitude in general, and some comments made to me last year by her I don't feel particularly comfortable talking to her so I went to try see the module leader of the module I was asking for the extension for. I had also had a letter from said year tutor the week before to tell me my attendance was lacking and I hadn't told uni why (obviously my emails were a waste then), whiched ended with an ultimatum of emailing her otherwise I'd be referred to the Dean. I emailed her straight away and reiterated that I'd sent her emails etc etc. She has never replied to any of them, even though I have stated in them that it might be a good idea for a meeting. My year tutor collared me, said she had two mins to chat whilst going on to tell me that I should really email to get an appointment in a bitchy tone.

She asked what was wrong so I told her everything about PND, hubby, major financial worries/problems, mum turning up etc. The replies I got were:

• You've got over a week, why do you need an extension
• I can give you a 2 day extension (I know I shouldn't look a gift horse and all that but I was hoping for just a few days more than that)
• She was very condescending when I said I was not sure of hand in date - 3 different dates were being touted so she went on about it all being on unilearn, which it's not, and that I should know. When we asked the lecturer the previous week about the hand in date she wasn't sure which date it was.
• she said to me 'it's happening again' 'not good enough' 'slippery slope asking for extensions' 'wish you'd just taken my offer of going part time' 'things happen. You have to deal with it. You've got 2 kids.'
• yes you did get that letter but your attendance has been poor (explanation for getting the no explanation for absence letter)
• had a go at my judgement to wait in taking the anti-deppressants (which I have still not started yet because I am a wimp and she kind of gave a little huff when I said that I'd not quite managed to start them yet)

In general, she just made me feel really shitty for my circumstances and she was basically was along the lines of just cope with it.

Although I am struggling, I've not missed a deadline yet and my grades have been 2:1's with one first for the pieces of work I've handed in so far. I'm angry at the way she spoke to me, upset at how shes made me feel and feel as though I cannot speak to her at all regarding my circumstances or uni work. I have been contemplating making a complaint about her as I just feel completely unsupported by her and there's no other year tutor to ask if I did need an extension, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not?

Sorry that this is so long and well done if you managed it all!

I'm only an OU student, so don't know how brick unis work in this situation, but is there a pastoral/student liaison/support person who could help you work out your situation with your year tutor. A third, neutral but supportive and understanding person to help you negotiate through this.

Sorry if that suggestion isn't much help, but I didn't want to leave your note unanswered. It must have taken a lot out of you to write it all down, so well done for managing that.

I'm a full time student with 2 DC's so can empathise with you there. I'm first year at the moment though.
Most universities have a student support and wellbeing centre and I suggest you try speaking to someone there and see if they can do anything to help you. If nothing else, they can listen.
What I think you have to realise though, is that at the end of the day you need to meet the same criteria as every other student to pass the course and even though you have difficult circumstances, there are only so many allowances the uni can make. Is there any particular reason why you couldn't finish your degree part time? It may take longer and is not ideal but it would alleviate some of the pressure. Your grades are obviously very good so you've done well so far but as you progress the work surely becomes more involved and harder, requiring more time and effort. I sometimes have difficulty coping with the workload with no major family issues and illnesses and my DC's are 4 and 9. I think I would fall to bits if I was trying to do it with a baby and so many other things to think about.

tumbleweed - Thanks for your reply. Yes we do have student support and I am currently on the waiting list for counselling and also in liaison with the mental health and well being coordinator, which I arranged myself.

pygmyangel - Thanks for your reply too. My main reasons are that with both myself and my husband being students we cannot really afford for me to go part time. It's almost £900 per module and I'd have to do 3 modules each year. I would have to take a big drop in funding from SFE too, which would mean we'd be flat broke. If my husband was working then it may have been an option. Saying that, the only way they were going to let me go part time was if my husband went part time too, which he wasn't going to, so they wouldn't have let me anyway.

I understand that there is only so much Uni can do, which is why I'm trying my hardest to stay on top and not be a burden to anyone. I think it's just slightly annoying the way she spoke to me and receiving a letter telling me I wasn't keeping them informed.

I feel that she just doesn't seem to want to really know and she talks to me like I am ruining other peoples grades or something, which is even more annoying when I've lost 5% in one of my modules because a member of our group turned up late to the lecture because she'd been out the night before and got up late.

Thank you very much again both of you. I'm still waiting for the mental health and well-being co-ordinator to rearrange an appointment to see me so hopefully that will alleviate some of my worries.

I know how hard this is. I went back to university when my baby was 1 week old and have done everything within my means not to fall behind. I have been fortunate not to have asked for one extension, despite knowing its an option. The reason for this is that one extension leads to another... One extra week to do one paper means one less week to do the next and it is a slippery slope.

The way I have done this is by using every free minute to study. That means no tv. No baths. No friends. I barely eat or sleep but it will be worth it.

My husband has depression. We have massive money worries, I do know it's so hard. The thing is, you're doing so well. 2:1s mean you are working to a great standard. Use this as a bargaining tool. Work your socks off to get everything done, it's obvious you're capable!

Good luck