When do things get a bit easier?

[Greenpapaya]

I have been a lurker on here for some years but have never really posted anything until now.
Three weeks ago i gave birth to my much wanted baby boy. He is absolutely lovely and I love him with all my heart, in fact so much that it hurts. I had a traumatic birth (30 hours in total, very painful for 24 hours, ventouse, forceps, 3rd degree tear). I was in hospital for 5 days and despite very much wanting to breatsfeed, had to give up after a week because he was unable to latch on for various reasons.
For the first week or so he was pretty calm and i was getting enough sleep but in the last 2 weeks he has been crying for the majority of the time that he is awake and finding it very hard to settle down to sleep. I am getting about 3 hours sleep a night plus a nap in the day and so have very little energy to deal with the crying and screaming.
To make matters worse, my husband and I recently emigrated to Australia so now I am stuck on the other side of the world away from all my family and friends and my mum, who had been staying with us since the birth, has flown home today. I don't know how I'm going to cope without her.
My husband is largely supportive but works full time so all the baby care is essentially down to me while he does all the cooking, cleaning etc. He never wanted children and only after years (we've been together 12 years) did he finally agree reluctantly to have one. I'm pleased to say he loves our little boy very much but he has little patience so I know would not be able to handle doing a night feed. He also has quite a temper and can be quite shouty which i worry about in terms of how this could affect our baby's development.
In short, I am wanting to know, how long will this phase last? When will the crying lessen and when will he start sleeping more?

Hi, congratulations on your little bundle!

Yours is a tough question. Ime things improve at around 8 weeks, but then regress again at various times due to growth spurts and developmental changes. So it's not a linear curve of steadily increasing sleep.

Your DS is crying a lot - do you think there is an underlying reason (colic, reflux...) or just general baby fussiness (wanting to be held)?

I recommend reading the happiest baby on the block and learning about the 5 s's (swaddle, shush, swing, side, suck). All soothing tactics. Also google the 4th trimester.

Your dh's temper sounds concerning - have you talked about ways of managing stress / anger with him?

Thanks for your reply Jnice. I can't work out why he is crying. He cries even when he has fed so maybe he has a tummy ache. I try everything, patting and stroking his back, walking up and down, rocking him, swaddling (which he soon unwraps). I have heard about the 4th trimester and agree, he is probably just getting used to the world outside. I am going to invest in some kind of swinging cradle this weekend to see if that helps.
Dh's temper has always been an issue. It's an integral part of his character though and i can't see it ever going away. He is well aware of it and does try to manage it better but finds it difficult.

Just a bit of warning about swings. In desperation at around that time I spent $200 on one. My DS hated it I'm trying to sell it now. If you can try one out somehow first I would recommend it!

It's really tough being so far from home. I live in Canada and family all in the uk.
If you can get to some mom & baby groups and start building up a network that will really help. Hard to do when you're tired though.

Hang in there!

It gets easier at 6 weeks, then significantly easier from 12 weeks on. They, while you do have some regressions, you don't have that crying and crying for apparently no reason that you get in the first few months. And I found that 6 months was a real turning point for us.

My little boy had a bit of reflux and so cried after feeding. He was a lot happier being slightly upright, so he liked being in the bouncy chair or being held rather than lying flat.

I remember at 5/6 weeks going in to boots and feeling pretty proud of myself that we were out, and dressed etc. Another mum stopped me and said 'it does get better' so I must have looked a state! And of course that made me burst into tears!

Anyway, hold on to the thought that you are halfway through the first (IMO worst) 6 weeks.

My shouty monster is now 15 weeks and is just overflowing with cuteness. I feel like I have emerged from some kind of foggy sleep-deprivation prison but it has all been so worthwhile! My DH is similarly unable to help (he just CANNOT handle the crying), I'm sure you are right to not put yours through trying to feed a tiny one, he'll be of much more assistance and enjoy it more later, and would second the advice of trying to find some baby groups.

I really feel for you being so far from family!

Thanks for all your kind words and advice. It really helps to know i'm not alone and others have been through the same thing. It also helps knowing that this will not last forever. I don't want to wish these precious times away but I have to admit, I am looking forward to a time when I can get a little more sleep and enjoy a happy baby.
I have also heard some good things about cranial osteopathy so may well give this a try. Thanks.

I'd also consider getting someone to take a look at his head, just in case the ventouse/forceps delivery left him with a head-ache. My ventouse-delivered DS didn't need it but I've heard good things from others. Whenever we had continuous crying and inability to settle in the evenings the cause was usually 'wind'. I remember having DS constantly draped over a shoulder, patting every bubble and fart out of him! During the day I found things far better if I could get out with the pram/buggy for a long walk because he would go to sleep in it and I could come back home, leave him to finish his nap in the pram outside on the patio while I had a feet-up inside.

Always worrying when you've got no terms of reference. Are there any groups locally that you could join with other new mums? Maybe your local doctor could put you in touch

Congratulations OP. I found the first 3 months unbelievably hard. Both DD and I cried a lot. But it did start to get easier at around 3 months, and even though she went through the 4 month sleep regression it hasn't gone back to being as hard as those first few months. DD is 7 and a half months now and we even seem to have developed a bit of a routine . For now keep using mumsnet for support, only worry about you and baby, housework ect can wait. You don't really need to worry about tidying until they start crawling and they manage to crawl into the dusty corners you haven't even looked at since they were born!

my sister also found a cranial osteopath brilliant when her dd was only sleeping 20mins at a time.

my ds only cried when I put him down (but he always cried when I put him down) so a sling was the answer for me (in fact because he was such a fatty I went all out and used a wrap - he just lived attached to us for a while) - might help.

try the local community health centres - dr's not so useful here in Oz as they are in UK, but go to community health centre to talk about your baby and find out about support - they are in your white pages.

I'd also recommend starting a thread to find out if there are any other MNers living near you. I spent ds's first three months sitting on the sofa holding sleeping baby with one arm, MNing with the other, it was virtually my only social contact. It does get better, just expect the odd setback.

Congratulations on your DS! 3 weeks is such a difficulty age, and I am so sorry you don't have more support. DH and I currently live in the UK, but we are foreigners, our families live abroad, so except for 2 weeks when my mum came to help us, we've been pretty much on our own. DS is now 1.

It really does get better, as someone else said around 6 weeks, then 12 weeks, then 6 months. I know this sounds like ages away, but it goes very quickly. I found the easiest way for me to deal with it was to just accept that things will be difficult for a while and I will get almost no sleep, and just work around this really. I co-slept and let DS nap on me for the first 4-5 months or so, and went to bed really early. They change very quickly.

I also found the mother and babies groups a lifeline. I know I didn't have a lot in common with most mums there, and it was only small talk, but as I said our families live abroad and I would have been very isolated otherwise. Are there any such groups near you?

Also, I think your DH's temper is worrying, he really needs to pull his weight and help you at night, even if it's just for a couple of nights a week. If you manage a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, you will feel much better able to cope. You have many unsettled nights to come, colds and teething and developmental milestones, and although it gets much easier, you will still be sleep deprived. Also your DS is likely to get more challenging as he gets older, and although the crying over nothing will stop (mostly!), he will have temper tantrums and will be very difficult at times, so you will need your DH to be calm and support you.

Sending you an un-MN hug!

In short, about 4 months for us. It varies from baby to baby so don't worry if 6 weeks comes and things aren't better, it will get better eventually! However, as the weeks go by you'll get to know your baby better and will develop a repertoire of soothing tricks. We used a sling as well and it was one thing that would often work, would put dd in screaming and go out for a walk and within minutes she's be snoozing - and the fresh air and exercise made me feel a lot calmer too. I second the advice about baby groups too if there are any you can get to. I can still remember the sheer exhaustion and desperation of trying to soothe a screaming baby on 3 hours' sleep, and she screamed often - every time the car stopped at a junction, every time she was dressed or had her nappy changed, and for no obvious reason at all (though she was diagnosed with reflux at a couple of months' old so that may have had something to do with it - but who knows?!). You're not alone, and it's not down to your mothering!

As regards your DH, you probably aren't going to change his character, and I'd say just make sure you keep talking and try to keep a sense of humour. A screaming baby can be a big strain on a relationship, but coping with it can bring you closer too - try to see the funny side of things and try to get time together, even if it's just while taking baby for a walk.

I found, like so many others, that the first three months were the hardest.

I used to think I was so abnormal, because everyone else seemed to be coping! But really, I think most people find it terribly hard at times (often most of the time!).

So you just need to focus on survival for you and your son - you know, the basics. Eating, washing, sleeping whenever possible. Eat ready-meals, get take-aways, whatever. They change all the time, and before you know it you'll feel completely different. Do not feel guilty about anything - they don't need entertaining at this age, they just need to get to know you.

Congratulations on your birth, sorry things are tough right now. It will get better!

For us things got a bit better at 8 weeks (dd stopping crying all evening with colic) and a lot better at about 4 months (when dd developed a routine including daytime naps and slept every evening so we had some time off).

Hang on in there!

Yep - the first three months are a blur! You are both learning about each other and it takes a bit of time to get to know each others ways. I have changed lots of things as we have gone along, was rocking in a rocking chair every night and now we don't do that any more, she was co sleeping in bed and now she is in a crib by the bed, and so on. Just be open minded - try different things, don't feel you have to stick to one technique for ever - DD is 4 mths and now becoming her own little person. You are in the very early days. By the way I am a single mum - so you can do it without another adult in the mix!!

Have you got a Baby Bjorn or something similar? DD1 would not stop crying, babycarrier sorted all that in one go.It was amazing and she much preferred it to a baby sling. She hated a baby swing by the way (odd child)

Gets better from 6 weeks ish and then 12/15 weeks. By 6 months you wonder what all the fuss was about

Oh and I co slept in the day, meant we both got a good couple of naps in during sleepless nights.