Schools of parenting

[Malinna]

Hi all,

I'm curious to know what the main schools of (or perhaps books about) parenting are. So far I'm aware of..

The Supernanny / Behavioural approach (naughty step et al)
Unconditional Parenting (is Democratic parenting essentially the same thing?)
Tiger parenting (as in Battle Cry..)

Are there any others?

Just to give some context, I am the Mum of quite a relaxed 7 week old dd. So parenting is relatively easy at this stage. But I'm really curious to start preparing myself for the months / years ahead and thinking about what kind of parenting style I'd like to use.

I'm not interested in subscribing to any one approach wholesale - it's all about getting to know your child (and yourself!) and finding what works for your family. But I'm interested to understand the different techniques and approaches out there, as there's probably bits and pieces I can learn from all of them.

If anyone can also recommend the best books to check out, that would be great!

Talking about schools of parenting you tend to get 2 responses - either people who are obsessively passionate about one particular branch or those who think the whole thing is ridiculous and you shouldn't have to think about how to raise your children.

Personally I think its an fascinating subject just from an academic point of view if nothing else and reading around if you have spare time can be interesting. You can pick and choose any ideaqs you like and discard any you don't. Also I wasn't parented in a way I could or would model with my own children which makes it harder to develop your own method.

I don't know how things fit into schools but my 2 favourite books were:

dream babies a history of childcare advice lets you see where these ideas have come from and the effect technological advances and social changes have on parenting advice.

How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk I aslo like sibling rivalry by the same people.

I was given "Babies for Beginners" by Roni Jay when I was pregnant, and it turned out to be the best books for the early days, so I was interested to see what else she had written. There's on called "The 10 Most Important Things You Can Do for Your Children" which is an easy read. The style is experienced mother rather than parenting guru. I like it.

PS I've just been checking this out on Amazon, another book is listed called "Nobody told me that", but I think from the description that it is the same book under a different title.

I'm in the 'try very hard to remember my name and that of my kids everyday' school

Seriously though, I think most people have some sort of 'approach' but it's largely one that develops over time and in response to circumstances. I think that's the best way. Enjoy your 7 week old and worry about what happens next when it happens.

I guess if I had to pin myself down I'd say I'm quite baby/kid led. I'm a BFing / BLWing / sling wearing type but am hopefully not too much of a lentil-weaver.

What's interesting is that as my eldest has got older (he's 4 now), I've discovered that I'm more of a disciplinarian than lots of my more routine fan peers. I don't like cheek, I don't negotiate (I'm in charge!), that sort of thing.

Good luck anyway and congrats on your beautiful new DC!

very much agree that whatever you do will and needs to change over time as a toddler is very different to e.g. a 7 year old and again to a teen.

I'm a middle ground mummy and mostly just bumble along making the rules up as i go, depending on what feels 'natural' for our family. As you and your lovely DD grow together you'll know what suits you.

Fwiw, i'm predominantly led by my DS and his needs - he's the only one who knows how he feels. At the start i was trying some crazy Contented Baby routine on him, but then realised that both he and i were unhappy with it. Imo you can't force a tiny baby into a routine. So i ditched the books. He's a fantastic little sleeper (7.30 till 7.30) and eater (tries anything, likes almost everything), very relaxed, happy (always smiling and laughing) and healthy, so i'm guessing it's the right approach for us

I dislike these parenting labels because it can force behaviour into a box, and we aren't all automatons who fit everything. I do a mix of continuum concept/attachment parenting/unconditional parenting with a bit of making it up as I go along. If children were all the same it would be easy to say you need to do XXX parenting, but children are all different.

Congrats on your new baby.

I'm afraid I subscribe to the vague routine (there is something called approximately bed time), shout a lot, smack occasionally and hug cuddle and love loads school of parenting.

It's very old fashioned and seems to work.

My 14Y is a poppet and DD2 is "impeccably behaved", unfortunately only school get that version

The only advice I can give is to thine own self be true. I'm not going not to shout any more than my lovely neurotic friend isn't going to worry.

Yup, I definitely agree that the "be true to yourself" approach is best. But I'd still like to learn from others to help me find the best way for me.

For example, having watched a few episodes of Supernanny, and seen her techniques working, I kinda just assumed I would use all her techniques, as they seemed to work.

I hadn't even heard of unconditional parenting until I read a thread about it on this very board, and it made me stop and think that actually some of the techniques used in that approach are probably more in line with my natural personality / instincts and it was a bit of a revelation that maybe there were alternatives to the naughty step.

This has then prompted my curiosity that perhaps there's other theories that I might find interesting / inspiring.

Obviously I am not planning on trying any of this parenting stuff yet - right now my little lovely just needs boob, cleaning and cuddles!

I second the recommendation for the book 'How to talk ...', especially if as you said you're interested in unconditional parenting (although I hate that term.. makes other 'methods' sound really second rate) as the book really focuses on communicating with your kids and having two-way conversations. I can't yet comment on the effectiveness though as DS is only 10 months, but once he gets to the 'difficult' stages I'm definitely going to try and use the concepts in the book because they really mesh with my thoughts on meaningful communication.

Oh, yes, I like How to Talk... and Unconditional Parenting. I also like Playful Parenting and am currently mugging up on Non-violent Communication after reading Respectful Kids, Respectful Parents. I am of the read-everything assume-nothing school of life parenting, because I think that what feels 'natural' is what you are used to, or fits in with conventional thinking, and I don't think that something is good just because you are used to it. So I've read Supernanny, and Standing up to Supernanny, Gina Ford and Three in a Bed, Baby Whisperer and Dr Sears. I am reading Continuum Concept but finding it quite hard going - long passages about the hell that a baby crying is in - even though I came down on the side of not letting the baby cry, it's awfully emotionally draining to read. A good one is Why Love Matters, I went through a phase of giving that one out to people, because I thought it so important that they read it before doing 'sleep training' etc. This is all quite baby centric as DS is still only 14mo, so next on my list is Happiest Toddler on the Block. FWIW I did some reading before the baby arrived and thought I was going for routines, but the baby arrived and I couldn't see how to get the routine without refusing the baby what he was asking for, or distressing him in some way. So I gave up on the routine pretty quickly and now we are so far in the other camp I go to AP groups etc. in RL.

What is continuum concept and attachment parenting? How are they different to unconditional parenting? Or is it all the same thing?

Contiuum Concept is a long-fangled version of attachment parenting, in some ways, written in the 1970s and expressed in terms which are contemporary to that time. Attachment parenting as I have encountered it is largely baby concerned, and is about baby care and basically advocates carrying the baby as much as possible (using slings); a family bed and co-sleeping; on-demand feeding even when the baby's demands are outside of the prescribed 3 or 4 hour routine. Philosophically it is sympathetic to Unconditional Parenting, because it is baby-led where UP is child-led. But UP is more about parenting older children and questioning the basic assumption of (some) parenting manuals which is basically that your aim as a parent is to get the child to do what you want, without having tantrums, and being basically well-behaved and polite. UP questions this demand for compliance and offers some ideas about parenting which are child-centric and consider what the effect of achieving compliance is on the child's own social and moral development. You could be AP without going on to UP as a practice; similarly, you might be Baby Whispering but move towards UP when your child starts to emerge from baby hood (though it's slightly less likely because it would be unusual to think your baby should be managed into a routine but not need similar management when older).

malinna I'm not an expert but the continuum concept is based around the fact that humans in evolutionary terms, are still very much in the Stone Age. There is a web page somewhere which listed how many generations of humans there have been since humans evolved, looking at how many generations were 'Stone Age', how many since the agricultural revolution and how many since the industrial revolution, and it was quite an eye opener. It made sense to me and using it as a foundation stone for our parenting style worked for us. I don't follow all of the continuum concept ideas but as a framework to build on I think it makes more sense than any of the more modern ideas of getting a child to be more of an automaton. I disagree with sparklyoots, I think all parenting is about getting a child to do what you want - we've found that our mix means it happens naturally and without pressure and tantrums from anyone.