Am I too strict with 22 month old?

[festivalwidow]

Would be interested in other people's experiences here. I was raised in a very strict household and while I don't think there was any damage from it, I am the sort who wouldn't say boo to a goose and don't want to overdo the strictness on my DD. However, I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing!

DD is a very normally 'spirited' toddler who is usually a delight. Like all children she has whiny phases, and an increasing tendency to be incredibly bossy. She does seem to know that if she says 'please' she is more likely to get something than if she doesnt - "Toast!" "Toast what?" "Toast please!" "There you are then." She doesn't yet say please often without prompting though.

Yesterday she was being especially whiny and since I'm ill (DH working away) I didn't have the energy to be the 'fun' parent "Ooh, DD, why would you want to watch TV when there's so many other things to do? Let's do a silly dance!" (TBH I'm not great at that at the best of times). She started whining for her blanket and I said to her "If you ask me nicely and say please, I will help you find it. If you whine like you're doing now, I won't." The rigmarole went on for ages with no please in sight and increased whining, until I said "Just say 'Blanket please'": when she did, I gave it to her.

Part of me now wonders whether instead of demonstrating that whining doesn't get what you want and that being polite does, I've been tormenting a child who can't understand by withholding a comfort item. Am I a witch?

Sorry for epic post!

Of course you are not a witch!
I've only the one toddler so haven't much to base this on but my 21 month old doesn't understand "Please" yet. She will repeat it but only if told to. I know you are teaching her it but give yourself a limit to how long you withhold something.

Might she be coming down with the same illness as you? Might explain her increased whinginess.

She will get it, they all do eventually.

There is nothing at all wrong with expecting a 'please' when they ask for something. And I think witholding the item until they say please is exactly how they learn. Why battle with a whining toddler for 10 mins because they wont ask nicely, and then just give in anyways? If you expect (as I would) manners to be used, stand firm.

I am even of the mind that if they dont say 'Ta' when I give it them, they don't get it. Ask nicely, say Ta when you get it. I was raised like this, and use please and thankyou totally second nature. It would fall out of my mouth without thinking. To the point where, on moving in with (then) DP, I would insist he said please and thank you to me for things . His argument was "If Ive said please, I dont need to say thank you" erm....no!

Even if she doesn't know which sentances to add it onto yet, its a brilliant habit to learn.

My mam is a Childminder, and even whining for something does not get results. Even those with a very small vocabulary are prompted to say "help please" if there's something they need, rather than just going "erg, erg, erg" and pointing at what they want.

I have a very spirited toddler. Give him an inch and his world falls apart! He really needs quite firm boundaries and limits, and manners. I get a lot of comments on my children saying please and thankyou.

I'm quite strict too and very particular about standards of behaviour and manners, but am also trying to be more fun. I've been reading Playful Parenting which is very interesting and seems to get good results - it's better than putting my foot down too hard and expecting instant perfect behaviour.

I'm trying to look after myself to prevent myself getting too tired/grumpy/snappy with him and also help him to do things in a fun way e.g getting dressed, brushing teeth, bath. That combination works best for us.

I dont think your being overly strick.

DD2 is 21mths and will say please. Occasionally she needs reminding and will prompt her with ' What do you say? questions.
Doesnt harm and she is generally a very polite little girl.

People have commented on her manners before and say its lovely to see.
She says please and thank you and asks to get down from the table.

If she wants something she will point and say please Mummy. If shes trying to doing something and struggling she will ask for help or say 'oh harder mummy'
-meaning its too hard.

She too has particularly whiney days and does have the odd time out in her room for strops etc. She knows exactly what shes doing and is more than able to understand as shes pretty bright.

Def not a witch :)

Sounds to me like you are doing a really good job OP! I was raised like this and did the same for my two. From very early ages we got comments all the time from people about how polite they were and as they grow older it really pays dividends as they go off to other people's houses etc. My DS(now 14) got a small Christmas gift from his best mate's Nana who is often in the house when he visits "because he is always so polite"! He can be a right PITA at home I should add, but at least other people think he has lovely manners!! Stick with it!

Well is it more important to say please or ask nicely?

Do you always say please? I know I don't so I have to remind myself when insisting DS does. Instead I make sure I say please smand thank you to him. I also repeat what he says with a please which works and doesnt mean I have to withhold things (eg he'll say can I have a biscuit? And I'll say you'll like a biscuit please? He then says yes please). and I always praise - eg that's a nice thank you so he knows what he's done well.

I feel sorry for some kids who ask nicely, forget the please, are berated for it when actually they're just doing what some adults do. It's perfectly possible to ask nicely and politely using your tone of voice without saying please. Eg if someone scowled and asked gruffly but said please, is that better than someone who smiled and asked in a nice voice?

No i dont think you are being too strict.
I did exactly the same with my LO (23 months) this week he has started saying please without being prompted whivh iam really pleased about
He said 'close the door please grandad' to my dad today, very impressed lol!

Theres nothing wrong with teaching your children manners, i come from a very relaxed family but, it is second nature to say please AND thank you EVERY time. Apparently i say sorry too much also? I'd rather be 'too polite' than rude!!

I think you're expecting quite a lot from a not even 2 year old to be honest, and with-holding a comfort item does seem quite mean.

Children pick up please/thankyou if you model it, it doesn't have to be a battle.

I'm with ritamorgan - I think they pick it up from you.

Thanks for the responses.

I quite agree that the tone of voice is just as important as the please and thank yous - the problem I was having was the whine!
"Give it noooooooooooowwwwwwww!" etc etc. I don't really want to encourage this as it's too Violet Beauregarde for my liking and I really don't want it a year down the line! I also try to be consistent, so I'm not sure whether whining for her blanket should be OK and everything else is not, or whether to have a moratorium on whining altogether.

I make a real point of saying please and thank you to DD all the time. The only time I don't is where there would be a danger - "Stop there!" as a reaction to DD escaping into the road rather than a "DD, please stop there as there is a car coming."

Hopefully she will pick up my example in time, the whining will stop ('please don't whine, DD, it isn't the way to ask for things') and she won't be scarred for life - even if I go grey in the meantime!

You are absolutely not being too strict. Good manners are so important and if you become more lenient now you will lose all the hard work you and your daughter have put in. It sounds like you are doing a great job. She will thank you for it one day I know I appreciate my Mums insistence about manners.
I'm sure you know where to draw the line if a situation does become an unnecessary battle.