Fed up of my 1 year old

[pinkyp]

He won't fall asleep unless breastfeeding, pulls and scratches at me whilst feedin so I'm left with scratches and marks everywhere. Won't go to sleep until really late on a night (still up now), will only sleep with me, crys if I leave the room. I have to take him everywhere with me, toilet, bath etc. He doesnt understand no, he's a nightmare to take anywhere as he's into everything. Feel like I've failed as a parent, its my fault he wont sleep, my 1st ds wasnt like this but he was bottle fed. I use to like bf, i now dread it. I don't know what to do I'm really really fed up/ would like some frickin time (even just half a hour watchin tv) on my own, Help!

You certainly haven't failed, a year of bf is a bloody hard work. Maybe now is a good time though to book yourself a night in a hotel or stay with a friend and let ds cry it out with dad or a grandparent. Sounds like you're at end of your tether. Can anyone even take him for half an hr while you at least get out for a walk and some air - or take ds out so u can watch tv? It will be difficult for them but without some support for u it's gonna be really hard to break the cycle .

I firmly believe you haven't failed as a parent - some kids just ARE harder work than others. Ds was a non sleeping non eating baby but a delight in the day. Dd sleeps and eats but is just mental all day. Stop beating yourself up, you've done so well with bf.

How old is your ds1? Do you get much quality time with him? Do you have someone - dh/dp/mum/mil etc - who could take ds2 off your hands so you can rest / see ds1/sleep/eat/read/bath?

Pinkyp

You haven't failed at all but view everything in minutes. Leave him for one minute and then go back in, the next day leave for two minutes and go back in.

Do not pick up or cuddle but reassure. Leave.

Turn lights out in bedroom after feed. Leave. No music or lights.

Go back in to reassure. Do not pick up then leave.

Go for increments of a minute at a time it will be a week or two of hell but after that it should be okay.

One minute at a time. Nothing can happen in that minute.

Firstly, not understanding (or seeming not to understand) "no" is absolutely, 100 per cent normal, as is "being into everything". Yes, it's hard work at that age, but he's totally normal in that respect. Similarly, separation anxiety usually peaks around this time which is why he's crying when you leave the room. I think this too is a phase that will eventually pass. I also think these things wouldn't get to you as much if you were managing to have some time on your own. The thing you should prioritise is his sleep and feeding. Have you both now outgrown BFing do you think? That might account for his restlessness whilst feeding. I stopped around ten months for the same reason. If your DP, or someone else, could put him to bed it will give you some much needed time out and your DS will realise that it's not just mummy who can give him what he needs. Maybe work on a 'bedtime' first and take it one step at a time. He's probably massively overtired and they're always hard work when they're like that. And i do think that leaving him to cry for a few minutes while you go to the toilet will do him no lasting harm.

I think everyone has already said what I was going to say OP. This is actually a really hard bit I think - much harder than a newborn. They're mobile and quite capable of doing really quite a lot of damage (pauses to take paper pages book out of 9m old's hand before she rips it and 2.5 yo DS has a fit ). They simply sre not old enough to understand "no". DS is only really getting it now. Well done for BF this long - I stopped at about 4 months and always mix fed purely so I could have a break. As other have said, you need a half a day or so to yourself, or overnight in a hotel and explain to your DP / parents whoever that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Are they able to come and keep you company on a regular basis? On the days I am at home with the DCs I try and make sure I have no more than a couple of hours at home alone with them. We go to friends, the park etc. Follow some of the ideas suggested above but most of all DO NOT think you are a failure. This is hard, it is relentless- probably the only thing that you just CAN'T decide to give up because its too much. Sending you unmumsnetty ((hugs)). If you are anywhere near north Herts PM me - am always happy to meet up!

I have an 11-month-old who is still breastfed, but she stopped feeding to sleep a couple of months ago of her own accord (unless she's poorly/teething). If your ds looks tired and has had a feed (preferably in a dim room after a quiet bedtime routine), try putting him down in his cot with lots of smiles and cuddles, have some music playing for him, maybe a nightlight on, and see what happens. You could stay with him and hold a hand on his tummy, or lean over and nuzzle your face next to his, sing to him, whatever works. If you're like me you'll feel so much better once you get your evenings back. The other thing that helps us is getting out to as many baby groups etc. as possible - don't know how old your ds1 is so don't know if this is possible - so that dd can roam and enjoy herself in a safe environment and hopefully wear herself out enough to have a nap Sometimes in the evening as well if she doesn't look tired enough we have her doing laps of the lounge with her walker or practising climbing the stairs...! You could try playing with his hands while he feeds, and try to make eye contact with him, for us scratching and pulling seems to go in phases.

This might help with sleep. I think it's a lot kinder than controlled crying.
drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

Thank u I expected to be flamed tbh, so it was really nice of you all. Feeling alot calmer today, ds2 fell asleep at 8pm (on boob) I woke him from his nap at 4pm today don't know if that helped or not. Ds is nearly 15 months and I've made a bit of a error, I bought him a toddler bed a few months back so the cot has been put away. I tried putting him in his bed but he gets up and goes into ds1's bedroom and slaps him in face I have 3 safety gates, if I leave them open he's fine - if he hears one click shut he runs up to it and crys until he is sick.
My mum will always have ds1 but not ds2

Thank you again for not flaming me x

Can you put the cot back up? Imo he's too young for a bed. Quite aside from if he slept in it no bother I wouldn't be happy about a baby being able to roam around at night. Dd is 17 months and I'm keeping her in her cot for as long as I can.

Also, 4pm is quite a late nap. My dd's routine is:

5-7am (grrr) - wakes
9-1030 - sleeps on me
130-230 - as above - she's dropped this in the last month though.
7pm - asleep in cot

However, my ds was a non sleeper at this age and I can honestly say that nothing I did changed that he just outgrew it in stages - he got MUCH better at 18 months then again at 2 and a bit then loads better at 3.

Why will your mum not have ds2? Is she loving etc towards him when she sees him? I feel your pain - no-one has ever had dd, ever, and even ds who is 5 now has only ever been babysat by my mum and last time was when dd was born!! (He has been to play at friends etc recently)

It gets easier.

I think you need to separate out all the issues.

Going to bed: he is obviously napping too late. Wake him at two or three and he will probably go to bed much more easily at an earlier time. If I let my dcs nap so late they were up till ten, too.

Bfing, maybe stop? Or maybe getting bed time sorted will make it a problem.

Nightmare to take out? I don't really have an answer for that. My ds regularly humiliated me everywhere we went. He grew out of it eventually - we just had to think carefully about where we were prepared to fo before then.

I agree he's napping far too late in the day - at this age I'd expect lunch at about 11.30 then nap at 12 or so - awake by about 1.30/2ish. Does he still have a morning nap, and if so what time?

I also agree that it may be time to find another way for him to go to sleep though I disagree strongly with controlled crying (it's only controlled from the parent's point of view - from the baby's point of view it's just lots and lots of times that he's abandoned rather than one!). Try staying with him and stroking his hair, back (whatever you can reach through the cot bars) - generally being there for him until he falls asleep. Or you may want to pick a weekend and have your DH/DP put him down every time - this worked well for us with DS. He settled far more quickly with DH than he would with me (he knew bfing wasn't an option!) and after that it was easy for either of us to put him down. This is the perfect time for your DH to really bond with his son!

He may be frustrated with breastfeeding and that's why he's scratching etc. How are his solids during the day? If he's not eating enough solids then he may be hungry for breastmilk, then not hungry for solids, etc - a vicious circle. Most babies ditch bfing by themselves but at a year old you can take the lead.

Can't help with everything but wanted you to know you're not alone. DS was doing all of the things you mentioned a couple of months ago and I was really losing it and wanted to give up breastfeeding (I didn't but couldn't take it any more IYSWIM) I managed to put a stop to the scratching/grabbing by giving him a mussie or small blanket to play with while feeding him. It's like he just can't keep still and gas to fidget and have something in his hands to play with, the blanket has really helped stop him beating me up so much!

Kellymom.com has some good tips on nursing 'manners'

best of luck

Oh nicecup said just what I was about to. Time to teach him some nursing manners www.kellymom.com/parenting/velcrochild.html Toddlers can be quit demanding.

I think putting him back in his cot is a good idea and not letting him nap to late. It didn't seem to matter quit so much with DS but now he's 16months if he sleep's past 3pm he's up latter in the evening.

The scratching and pulling is very unlikly due to be frustrated just very figgity at this age. Teaching him it's not apporiate or giving him something else to hold or I had to hold DS hand for a while before he stoped. They do however learn from quit a young age that they can change the flow of milk by squesing your breast. I only learn this recently because a friend who tandume feeds had her toddler doing it for the baby. When asked what he was doing by mum he said he was helping the baby get his milk, smilar to you doing breast compresions.

Thank you, I've not been letting ds nap as late- woken up (if he's asleep) no later than 3.30/4. He's been going to sleep 7/8pm latest hurray!!

Still in with me but I noticed he can get himself to sleep, I woke at 5am this morning (tonsillitis) and woke him up by accident. He then had a walk around for a few mins and climbed back in bed with me and went to sleep. It's amazing how much better I feel from having a few hrs on a evening to myself. Still got a long way to go, will check out the links now thank u.