I feel like I am going crazy!

[PooPooInMyToes]

I feel like I am going crazy at the moment (last few days).

My DD (just 6) has always been a tricky one. She has always from the moment she could make herself understood by just making angry noises or whatever, complained about everything, argued about everything and tried to control everything. I have always found her very hard which makes me sad.

Younger DD (3) is much calmer but is going through an enormous wingey stage. In face it's been going on for ages and doesn't seem like it's ever going to end. DD1 winges a lot too . . . more wingey voice (you know the one I mean) that grates more then I can describe.

So I find DD1 very difficult at times. Mostly it is manageable (with reward charts/naughty step etc) but when she is a tiny bit ill or a tiny bit tired or something else that wouldn't even registar or other kids radars, she suddenly goes to her most difficult extreme.

She will complain about everything, nothing is good enough. For eg at dinner last night she wanted water so I said to wait a sec and then I would go get it . . . instant whining and "but I'm thirsty!!!!!" I said again that I would get it in a sec as was sorting out DD2 but she just kept going "but . . ." over and over despite me telling her I would do it and to stop asking. (she can't reach tap so I will get her a step soon).

A bit later I offered the dcs a choice of 2 deserts. She started whining and saying she wanted both of them. I explained very clearly that she COULD NOT have both, to chose one or I would chose it for her but she just keep on and on, burst into tears, kept saying what SHE wanted, whining, arguing, crying, moaning. I chose for her in the end but she still complained.

This was after on the way home from school, moaning that she was still hungry after her after school snack of a biscuit, and that she wanted the same crisps that DD2 had earlier (she'd told her). I explained that she had also had crisps but in her lunch box. But she just kept on and on that she wanted more crisps in a grating moaning voice because DD2 had some crisps that DD1 likes.

I explained very, VERY firmly that she would not have another thing to eat before dinner. The moment we got through the door she asked again. I nearly went through the roof.

She does this a lot. I tell her to STOP, to not ask again, often that there will be consequences (which get carried through), that she must not ask again and if she can't help herself then she should not open her mouth at all. Probably sounds harsh but she just doesn't stop and never has. I am ashamed to admit that I have told her to "shut the fuck up" before because I just can't handle it!

Why doesn't she stop? She knows that she will get into trouble but still does it. I don't understand. I know some might say for attention but I make an effort to give her attention and am at home with them most of the time so they see me a lot.

On top of this I feel so treated like a slave. My dcs will sit in the front room for example and call out (or just mumble expecting me to magically hear them properly) that they want a drink/snack. It's making me so mad right now. Why the hell can't they get off their arses, come into the kitchen and ask me properly. I am sick of telling them to do this! DD2 does this as well but DD1 will expect me to fetch her things as well and will be rude when I ask her to do something and say "well why can't YOU do it" in a certain tone of voice.

I don't feel respected or appreciated. What makes it worse is that my ILs have made it clear that they think I sit on my arse all day and am lazy and have an easy life. They show no respect for what I do either. (I do actually work part time but because I work from home as a writer they don't consider it a proper job)

I don't know why this is getting to me more at the moment. I was taking some vitamins for PMT which I have run out of a many weeks ago now so wonder if that might be partly it. I feel like I am going crazy! I have absolutely no tolerance for it right now.

Sorry for the rant. Think I just needed to get it off my chest.

In my house, it's not acceptable to sit in the front room and call out to me in the kitchen. Rule is that you have to be in the same room in order to ask for something ... the mountain comes to Mohammed, not the other way around. Demanding behaviour gets nothing. Whining/complaining/etc is met with total silence and ignored. Only polite requests are heard and even then, I'm going to take my time.

I think your DD1 is put out that there is a baby in the house that needs more attention than she gets, so she's behaving like a toddler in an effort to get your attention. And even 'shut the f up' is attention... so it's working. A solution to that one is to set aside one-on-one time to do 'grown up' things with DD1.... help her appreciate that being the older one has advantages and gets more of your attention in a positive way.

Having only DS, I've had to consciously make him do things for himself at regular intervals otherwise, I'd still be wiping his nose and tying his shoelaces age 11 :) So, at the same time as engineering more time together, I'd suggest that you sit DD1 down and tell her a) that she's very loved and special but b) she's not a baby any more. Set the expectations on what you want her to do for herself clearly.

Good luck

Thanks for your response. I try so hard to ignore but I just can't do it. Instead I explain and explain and answer questions all of which is just ignored. I thought we were supposed to explain stuff to them . . . it's how I started out and then I slowly realised that sometimes you just have to forget explaining and lay down the law, but what if they continue anyway!?

My second was born when oldest was 2.5 so you think she'd be used to it by now. I do have issues though with her wanting to go in the buggy (she is physically quite weak so I'm never sure if it's actually that) and when I say that DD2 gets to go in as shes only 3 and also wasn't well last week so needed a lift, DD1 burst into tears and was saying that she wanted to be 3 and it wasn't fair etc, so maybe you are right.

We did talk last night about something special I thought the 2 of us could do alone and she seemed to like the idea. We've done it before but not alot.

Thanks again.

Poor PooPoo, my DCs,12 (nearly 13) and 10 so have a similar age gap so I know pretty much how that is. I can recognise a lot of your situation in our household, although it is getting better now they are older. AND I have probably made exactly the same mistakes you have in that you try to over explain things (so my DH always tells me) instead of just saying 'this is how it is, like it or lump it'.

Ok of course you should explain things, but only to a point and as mums we pretty much know the point at which they should 'get it'. My DD is particularly good at debating things so that I end up over explaining and going round in circles, my BP goes up as does my volume!

So, I have learnt from experience to try the short and sweet explanations e.g.

Please get your shoes on now.
Why mum?
Because it's time to go or we will be late.<

That on the face of it should be enough but I know to my cost that what follows can sometimes turn into WW3.

There's no easy answer, just try and keep as calm as you can and keep your voice as calm and firm as you can. They can see when they are winding you up and having some 'control' so you have keep the control over yourself. I have always tried to use manners when asking them to do something as if we sound like we are ranting and being unrespectful we can only expect that back. When you have all calmed down and you get chance, you could calmly explain, say about the dessert, 'look, it is not acceptable to demand both desserts, you need to choose one or the other without a fuss, if you make a fuss like this I will not be able to give you a choice, so think about this please.'

Lastly, of course give rewards for good behaviour but also let it be known that say, 'if you make a fuss getting ready this morning and are not helping mummy the there will be no T.V/ sweets this evening - try to keep the consequences not too far from the 'behaviour' at this age. Hope this all helps but hey I am still constantly learning!

"you just have to forget explaining and lay down the law"

That's it exactly. If you've got a reasonably intelligent child, for every rational explanation why they should do something, they can come back with a reason why they can't. You think you're being rational and constructive by explaining and answering but they see it as weakness or an invitation to negotiate.

Sometimes 'because I say so' or 'I'm not arguing with you, I'm telling you' is exactly the right thing to say. They have to learn that not everything is up for discussion

You need to take control - easier said than done, I know.
A 6yo should be more than capable of getting a glass of water and other simple cold food tasks. Get that step pronto!
And the dessert thing - my response would be choose one or you get neither.
The crisps - "No, you have both had one packet today and that's the limit" and change the subject.
And so on.

And manners cost nothing. Any request not accompanied by a please or thank you is met with "Have you got any manners?".

sensesworkingovertime Poor PooPoo . . . that made me laugh

Your daughter sounds like mine. She would have said

"why will we be late?"
"it doesn't matter if we are late"
"I can't find my shoes"
"I don't like my shoes"
"my shoes don't fit" (whilst putting one on end of toe and wiggling it about)
"but I'm playing xyz"
(some crying)
"we shouldn't be going there today anyway"
and on and on . . .

My DH was from the start the do what you are told immediately and with no questions or arguements type which I felt was over the top and treating them like little soldiers. While I was the explain everything one. We both needed to be somewhere in the middle. We worked on it though and changed things a couple of years ago so don't understand why my DD still thinks she can argue when being asked/told to do something.

You are right about my needing to remain calm. Unfortunately I go from 1 to 100 in about a second. I'm trying out some techniques at the moment but I find it hard to stop and even think about the techniques when there is so much going on with stress and screaming!

This morning I didn't let the dcs chose their own breakfast which I normally do. It's always been very irritating though as my DD1 in particular will not want any of the options I give her and will ask to see in the cupboard herself. This really winds me up because its as though she doesn't believe me when I say what is available. Or she will say she wants something she can see but I haven't suggested because it's not breakfast food. So today they got no choice, I put serial and a yoghurt out for both of them and said if they didn't eat it they would be hungry until lunchtime. The fussiness has tipped me over the edge!

If you've got a reasonably intelligent child, for every rational explanation why they should do something, they can come back with a reason why they can't. You think you're being rational and constructive by explaining and answering but they see it as weakness or an invitation to negotiate.

Yep

ChippyMinton

A 6yo should be more than capable of getting a glass of water and other simple cold food tasks. Get that step pronto!

Yeah I know, I put it off because of the little one. Didn't want her climbing up and hurting herself.

And the dessert thing - my response would be choose one or you get neither.

I did and she just kept going on and on and wailing! OMG the wailing!

The crisps - "No, you have both had one packet today and that's the limit" and change the subject.

I did this and we had stopped talking about it until we got in the door and she just started again. Sometimes I think she has a 2 second memory for anything that doesn't suit her. She actually looked shocked when she got told off, like she didn't get it.

Oh dear. It is hard to be the 'bad cop'. My DH takes that tack, I try and be more reasonable. But given that my DC suggested that I give up shouting for Lent , I conclude that his tactics do get results.

Oh, glad I can make someone laugh PooPoo, there's not been any laughs in our house today....don't ask...right, off for a much needed bath and some peace (she hopes).

With the dessert thing with my DD I would have said 'You can have one dessert, choose by the time I count to three or I will put them back' and then called her bluff by putting them away if she didn't choose or continued to whine. Then DS and I would have happily eaten ours whilst ignoring her. Anything more than a low level whine e.g. shouting and grabbing would mean she would be sent/put in the hallway to calm down. If she is whining and moaning and still gets a dessert then she has learnt nothing and has your attention into the bargain (which is what she is after I suspect).

With the crisp thing she'd get the 'look' or the 'eyebrow' and an apology would be forthcoming. Any protesting and she would be in her room for 'quiet reflection time'.

DD is 6 and I prefer to explain as you do, but there is a point I think where you need to get tough to stop certain behaviours reoccuring. She can't whine and moan at you and still get what she wants 1) its not good for her and 2) it will drive you crazy.

DD and I have regular days where we spend a morning doing what she wants e.g. she likes to walk to a particular cafe and then we go to the park, without DS or DH. We also spend time at bedtime chatting and talking, looking at books together so she gets the attention she craves (DS is 2.5). Sometimes I can spend an hour with her and all her worries and little stories come out. Not every night but three times a week or so. Her behaviour improves everytime I do this. She has also started helping me with the washing up (she does the drying up) which is another chance to talk or she comes in the kitchen and reads/chats to me whilst I cook.

Sounds like you did the right thing at breakfast- DD gets one chance to tell me what she would like, otherwise I choose. She can do things like crumpets and toast herself (she uses the oven gloves to get the toast out of the toaster for example).