How much crying is normal for a mum of a 1 YR old?

[shopafrolic]

Please save my sanity! I feel as though I am going mad. I am a 39 year old mum to our 13 month old DS.
I used to be a Marketing Manager for a large retail organisation (quite a control freak I guess) and have taken the decision to be a stay at home mum. I feel quite isolated with this decision as most of my mummy friends have now gone back to work. I know that I am lucky to be able to make this choice.
I have a good social life with my little man - we do two classes a week, go to softplay and I try and catch up with friends for coffee and playdates.
Now that DS is on the move I am just finding it so hard and keep going through phases of crying quite a lot. Am crying as I type and was crying yesterday too!
The thing is at the moment my DH is ill (permanent man flu for around 3 months) - I am finding it difficult to remain sympathetic as it has been going on for so long and he is so wrapped up in feeling poorly that he never asks how I'm doing. I never used to be a moaner but all I hear myself doing now is whingeing about DH and his behaviour.
Before I had DS I was a fairly positive person (although I did have depression in my 20s) - I feel like mummy me is not someone I like very much and I don't know what to do!
Please can you lovely Mumsnetters give me a kick up the backside. I feel I must sound like a very ungrateful cow!

Nope. You sound like late onset PND. Go to your GP. Seriously.

I went to the GP pre Xmas. He said he thought I was just over tired. I really don't want to take medication if I can avoid it as I became addicted in my 20s and couldn't get back off it.
Some days I am absolutely fine. DS is out of sorts at the mo crying whenever another baby comes close but fine with adults. DH complains continually of feeling lousy and sleeps all the time (I wish!). He does help me with DS but I feel guilty as he is supporting me financially so I should be doing the majority share?!
I guess I never realised that I wouldn't feel like me anymore once DS arrived........

I second a call to the HV if the GP has been pretty useless.
I'm certain my PND was exacerbated by broken nights.
Hope your feeling better soon

Thanks issimma - I have wondered whether DH is depressed but he says he is fine, just fed up with having been poorly for so long. He is normally v healthy and seems to have caught every bug that DS has had and I think his immune system is low. He has some blood tests on Weds so hopefully we'll know more then. He is miserable to be around tho. I can't tell whether I'm making him miserable or he's making me miserable! I hope it's just that we're both finding being new parents really tough!
My GP is rubbish so perhaps I do need to talk to the health visitors......

Try doing the Edinburgh Post Natal Depression test - you can find it online and it's very quick to fill in.

Try doing the Edinburgh Post Natal Depression test - you can find it online and it's very quick to fill in.

Oh dear BertieBotts - I just scored 12 and the screen went red!

OP you do sound depressed and you need to speak to the GP/HV and get yourself some help. It doesn't have to be ADs, I had PND and was referred for CBT which really helped.
You also need to tell your DH and friends and family how you feel so you can start getting more support. Just because you are a SAHM it doesn't mean you just have to struggle on with everything by yourself. You're not being ungrateful, depression rarely respects circumstance and you can be depressed even though outwardly everything seems great.
Being a parent can be hard but you will get through this and be happy again.

Ask your gp for a referral for CBT. You don't have to take ADs if you don't want to.

HereIGo's post is brilliant, please try some of her suggestions.

"Now that DS is on the move I am just finding it so hard". This is normal. You constantly need to watch them at this stage and even when you're in a different room from them you're listening out all the time. You can never properly switch off until you know they are asleep. When you go out they want out of their pushchair but don't understand the restrictions of where they can and can't go so you're chasing around after them all the time.

The fact that your DH has been poorly for so long and seems very self centred since he doesn't ask how you are would drive anyone crazy. Is he depressed?

It's isn't my place to tell you whether you are depressed or not but looking after a little one is hard work and having another adult in the house who is moaning about being ill all the time would probably reduce most people to tears. I think you need someone to care for you for a bit. I hope things work out for you.

I think it's significant that you're used to being in a high pressure role where you called all the shots, had status, people looking up to you etc. Child-rearing so often puts you not in control as you react to the next stimulus. You don't have to dress smart for anyone, impress anyone or get the satisfaction of a good presentation etc. ... you have to create your own 'yay' moments. And, since there is no single definition of 'success', people used to being target motivated and task oriented can struggle wondering if they're doing it right. No staff appraisals for motherhood.

It's not a crime to find being at home all day with a baby doesn't live up to expections. I didn't have the option but I know, based on my experience of long weekends and holidays, I'd have got bored and frustrated if I'd been with baby DS 24/7 - much as I loved him. I'd suggest you consider going back to work part-time. It wouldn't mean you'd failed.

Thank you so much everyone - you've helped get me through a very teary morning.
Update so far - my friend came round and I told her how I was feeling - she has been brilliant.
I have decided to register with a new GP practice - on the advice of a GP friend so am setting up an appointment to see a lady doctor who is a mum of 2 so should be a little more helpful!
HereIGo - thank you - I have already tried much of what you talk about which is why I am now getting concerned. I force myself to go out and get fresh air each day, do two gym sessions a week and a Pilates class and have 'treated' myself to a haircut in London. The piece I am not doing is the BRAIN bit so I'm giving that some thought.
Cogito I think you're right - I am used to regular feedback in my work. DS gives me very little!!
Journey DH has blood tests this week and if they don't throw any light on the matter then I think he and I need to talk some more. MIL is due this weekend so I think I'll talk to her and see if she can also have a word on my behalf!
Thank you all for being there, I am very grateful and fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day!

I think it's incredibly common to feel shattered/emotional/depressed at this stage.. Myself (dd 14mo) and friends all seem to have gone through a rollercoaster of a time last few months whether we sahm or working (all of us v.similar age to you)

I think what I'm finding is things change considerably when baby becomes toddler is what I am finding anyway, as you say, before I could enjoy a leisurely coffee / lunch with friends - no chance now, I used to enjoy trips on tube as could sit read a book whilst baby slept or played contently with a toy now it's a 'battle' to keep active madam in her pushchair !

Do you get time together as a couple ? meals / drinks out ? I feel that's really lacking in mine and dh's relationship at moment as we don't have willing supply of babysitters local to us..

Perhaps you could look at part time work ? I don't think as others say that you should beat yourself up and feel you must be 'grateful' Jeepers, I love my days at work - it's a break !!

The only other thing I can suggest too is actually I think slightly contradictory to what other's may have said - I think it could be fun to have a 'girls' night out with old work colleagues, single friends or just longstanding friends - whilst don't get me wrong I enjoy spending time with my 'new' NCT friends etc, it's not the same as a bottle of wine and a good old natter with an old friend, try and make time to catch up with friends you haven't recently seen maybe because of 'being a mum' - I found it was really lovely to just talk about totally different things and forget all about being a mum !

Hope all the posts help you feel saner - you are not alone !

there's a book I've had a brief skim read of and know a friend really found helpful.. 'How not to them up' - Oliver James - offensive title (and obviously I'm not in least implying you doing that to your child, in anyway!) And, I don't have any real opinions on (just incase other's say it's awful) but does deal with some of the issues of being a sahm v's working mum..