Am I being unreasonable.... to tell my boys off for daring a neighbours daughter to pull her pants down?!

[Alltheseboys]

I let my twins (9) go out to play with our neighbours. They were playing 'dare21' and they and another boy dared this girl to pull her pants & trousers down! I went mad & they are grounded my the other boys mum just laughed & said "boys will be boys". I explained to them that they need to have respect for other people & would not appreciate the consequences if her older brother, his friends or her mum came round to see them! My neighbour thinks I'm over exaggerating & found it funny & the girls mum leaves her out on the street all hours anyway. I have 4 boys and as the only woman in the house I feel I need to insist they treat girls with respect. What do you think?

YANBU.

The "boys will be boys" is relevant only in so far as this is very common behaviour and not in isolation a sign of abuse. It does not mean it goes unchecked. They all need to learn about boundaries, and what you did is the right thing in stepping up to the mark for those participants you are responsible for.

OFGS how is this an abuse marker, I remember at that age the you show me yours, I'll show you mine thing, with both boys and girls. Children are very curious at that age, doesn't mean they have been abused, or will go on to be abusers.

You are right op to come down like a tonne of bricks, but really, curiosity about genitals at that age implies nothing but simple games.

It's good that you will instil respect for females in your boys, but honestly these games go both ways.

What BLD said.

Thanks everyone. I also don't see how it is ABUSE marker. She didn't go ahead with it. The other boy asked her first and they carried it on. She is confident enough to say no & that's the end of it as far as I'm concerned. I did not say she was anyone's property & asked my boys about consequences as obviously they hadn't thought of that. I want them to have respect for girls not be scared to go anywhere near them! Thanks for reassuring me that I did the right thing.

Abuse marker to indicitive for who the girl or the boys? also the girl did not follow through to the one poster who began to infer this was her Doing.

posted too soon, next time you see the girl op you should comend her on her on not taking part in such a foolish game and make clear to her your boys where piunished, this will reinforce to her she did the right thing.

'Abuse marker to indicitive for who the girl or the boys? also the girl did not follow through to the one poster who began to infer this was her Doing.'

If I gave that impression, I apologise. To me these are all young children who need clear guidance and support with no blame attached to any of them. I misunderstood as to how far the daring had gone, and I'm delighted that the girl was confident and strong enough to be clear about the boundaries of behaviour.
No abuser and victim scenario, and hopefully the OP's sons will be very clear about those boundaries the next time something like this occurs. The other boy is going to struggle if the response from his mother is as indulgent next time.

What I meant by abuse flag: sometimes children who are abused by adults behave inappropriately with other children, copy what has been done to them by doing it to other children or generally display sexualised behaviour.

I'm sure your boys are fine OP, but perhaps it might be worth keeping an eye on their friend?

I absolutely would not blame the little girl for anything.

YANBU - but I think a mixture between the other mother's approach and yours would be a happy medium. 'Boys will be boys' is horrible because it implies that boys should be allowed some kind of 'get out of jail free' card, but in terms of 'kids will be kids' children have done this sort of thing since time immemorial (aka my childhood). They have no idea about the adult concerns we have, the behaviour that it has resonances with, so are not guilty of anything more than being 'rude' or 'cheeky'. However, it is obviously important that they know that private means private and it is very wrong to ask someone to do anything that invades their privacy or makes them feel uncomfortable or shows private body parts.

I would be stern on that point, make sure that the principle was understood, ban 'rude' dares in future, but not go completely ballistic.