Is this a gender thing or a pfb thing or a personality thing or an age thing or a personal issues thing or what?

[SilentBoob]

I have a 6 year old daughter and a 4 year old son.

I never, ever worry about whether or not I am a good enough Mum to my son. He is not the easiest child, has had various health issues over the years with all sorts of tag-on behavioural fall out, but I KNOW that I am a good enough Mum for him. I know that I make his world safe, and that I can Fix Everything for him. He never fazes me. I don't worry about his future, or second guess myself. We just bumble along.

My daughter - I worry. There is nothing particularly to worry about. She is a lovely little girl, eager to please, funny, clever, interesting, not especially stubborn but with a strong sense of right and wrong, doing fine at school, has friends, liked by teachers, confident, happy... yet I tie myself in knots worrying about her. More specifically worrying that I'm not a good enough Mum for her. I dread getting it wrong. I worry that she keeps things to herself. I analyse whether or not I am creating a relationship where she can share how she feels. I agonise over whether or not she feels left out when I do things with her brother, or when the new baby arrives (imminent). I worry about boosting her confidence. I worry my expectations of her are too high. And mostly I worry that instead of just relaxing and letting her be, I spend so much time worrying that surely I must be creating an atmosphere of anxiety around her.

Is it because she is the eldest? Can anyone relate to this? Am I just PFBing my ass off?

Is it because she is a girl? I read Feminist books and worry about how she will make her way in a world that is weighted against her. Then I worry that I don't give her enough credit .

Is it just that she's older? Will I worry about my son when he's 6?

Is it because I am projecting my own complete non-relationship with my own mother on to us? My mum has a great relationship with my brothers but takes no interest in me at all. I was brought up to believe that girls are far inferior to boys, and truly believed it. I wished I were a boy. All my friends were boys. I understand boys. I feel as though with my daughter I don't have a blueprint or a map. It terrifies me. I love her so, so much, and am so proud of her - I find her awesome, her confidence and her sparkiness and her way of thinking and everything about her. And I worry I'm not doing it right. I get so scared about her growing up and thinking about me the way I think of my mum - mild resentment and mostly nothing.

I feel like I want instructions.

I think it must be to do with your own relationship with your mum and that's very understandable. But you have to keep telling yourself that you are not your mum and that, equally important, your dd is not you. She will not have your life.

It's hard to just turn worry off though. I wish I was as relaxed about being her mum as I am about being my son's mum.

I think it's because you read feminist books

I joke, but seriously i think that's a good indication to your values/ beliefs/ approach to life, the relationship you have with her/ with your mum (perhaps) and the interests you may have in general. It follows that if you believe girls are at an automatic disadvantage in life you'll be more worried about raising a girl.

Fwiw i love literature and language and have my own anxieties about my DS not liking books or being able to spell properly when he's older! I know it's crazy, i know i'm a good mum and he'll have his own likes and dislikes so if he hates books then he'll enjoy something else. But i'm quite passionate about communication skills and have heard that boys are naturally disadvantaged in this respect, so i probably do project my passions/ insecurities onto him a bit sometimes.

I think it's a female thing. It's much easier to feel like you're repeating the past because you were a girl and now you have a girl. You're probably putting a lot of your worries/feelings about yourself into your DD and maybe feeling like she's got some kind of pre-ordained path, as if she's a copy of you. Or as if you have to make up with her for all the things you didn't have or things you suffered as a child. Or as if you want to re-create a relationship but in a better way this time, to somehow heal the past. Many possible options. It's much easier to see your DS as a separate person and not transfer your past or your feelings onto him.

I have a DS and although I initially really hoped for a daughter, I am actually glad my first is a boy. I was an only child with a single mother who died when I was a teenager, so I think if I have a daughter (and I definitely hope my next will be a DD! But just to be PC must say that I would also be delighted with another DS) it will bring up WAY more issues for me to deal with than with my DS. With DS it's like a clean slate where I get to do everything from scratch without any pre-conceived notions or hangups.