Do I tell son about his grandmas illness

[mummyemily]

Help, my mum has just be told she has cancer, she goes into hospital to have it removed on Thursday and as she lives 200 miles away I am going down to see her and help look after my dad due to the circumstances I will not be taking my son (5 and a half) he will be staying with his dad for 3-4 day, I have told him his grandma is not well but I also am worried as mum will have to have chemo for 6 months and he will notice that she is differant, what do I tell him he is very close to his grand parents and we see them every 8 weeks. I dont want to scare him but I want to warn him that grandma might be poorly for some time. I just dont know how to handle this!

Tell him the truth in an age-appropriate way. e.g. Grandma is very, very poorly and will have to spend a lot of time in hospital so that the doctors can try to make her feel better etc. Children IME respond well to information because, by and large, they are less sentimental than adults and they don't scare easily. If the treatment means she changes in appearance, explain that before he sees her again. If he asks (quite likely) 'is she going to die?' then you have to have an honest but hopeful answer ready.

I was a little older than your DS when my much-loved great aunt became ill with cancer. Adults, thinking they were being kind, didn't tell me how seriously ill she was. As a result, when she died, it came as a bigger shock and I rather resented the people who had kept me in the dark.

BTW... I should have said to start with that I'm sorry this is happening to your Mum and I'm sure your Dad will appreciate you being there. Hope everything goes OK for her.

So sorry that you are in this situation.

DS 1 was 4 when my mum was told she had cancer (unlike your mum we knew it was terminal from the start).

They were very close, especially as at that time we lived together as an extended family.

I decided to be completely truthful and explained things in a way that was appropriate for his age and level of understanding. Must admit though that I didn't tell him about the terminal part till quite near the end. Though I'm sure you won't have to cross that bridge.

Sometimes it wad hard as they do ask quite drank and honest questions and my PIL were completely against him knowing, but 3 years on I still think it wad the right thing to do.

I hope your mum's treatment goes well, feel free to PM if you want to chat anymore.

There is a book called 'mummy's lump' which is age appropriate-you could read it as grandma's lump.Explain that grandma has to have some medicine wto make her better but the medicine will make her a bit poorly first.Tell him it will make gran tired and her hair might fall out.When I had my chemo my dgc were between 3 weeks and 9 years old.They were all [except baby :)] told a version of the truth.They were all very loving and took it in their stride.One dgs aged 4 at the time thought I looked 'a bit funny' with no hair.No one said I might die or anything too dar but I [and their parents ] answered all questions as they arose.Keep him away during chemo if he is even slightly under the weather.Encourage him to send her drawins and to talk on the phone but be aware she may be too weary to engage as fully as usual.Do pm me if you need any more help.I am fine atm and had my chemo in 2007.

I would say yes - you should tell your son, but in a simplistic, age-appropriate way. My 5 year old knew that granny was poorly, and that she was on strong medicine which was so strong that it made her tired. She also knew that granny couldn't get any more bugs so we weren't allowed to see her if we were ill.

She took it all in her stride, and didn't ask about prognosis etc, only that the doctors and we hoped it would make her better. I wanted them to be a bit prepared just in case, although was aware that it could all be a lengthy process. I also wanted them to know there was a very good reason that granny couldn't see them as much, and that they needed to be kind to her with gentle cuddles.

All three of mine were fine with bald Granny as well. I think they take your cue from you. My 2yo still asks my Mum to take her hair off - even though she's sporting her own again. It helps that my Mum is a very stoic, wonderful lady who worried more about her grandchildren and how they were feeling.

I am sorry to hear you are going through the same with your Mum. It's scary times. My Mum is one year on from the mastectomy, and six months from chemo. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

I hope your mum's treatment goes well.

I´m sorry you are having to think about this. my mum was treated for breast cancer last year when ds was 4. She does not live nearby but we did mention that she wasn´t well because it did impact on her visits to us. tbh he didn´t ask much about it at all. When she lost her hair we just explained that it was because of the medicine she took that was making her better and that it would grow back. He never really seemed all that interested and didn´t get to asking about death etc. he asked more about that when we saw a cat run over the other day!

Of course all kids are different and at that age he could well have started asking more probing questions. I think if he had asked, or in fact asks now, I would explain that everyone dies sometime but we hope very much it won´t be for a long time yet and that lots of people are doing their best to make her better. then just wait and see what the next question is! ds does have a habit of asking deep and meaningful questions at rather inopportune times (don´t they all) but honestly this didn´t register much with him.

wishing your mum all the best for her treatment.

Thank you for all your kind words and advise, I told him the simple honest version that grandma was quite poorly and has had to go to hospital and that he had to stay with daddy whilst I went to look after her and grandad, i have said that the medicine might make her tired and not feel too good, he was fine until last night when I had to tell him that i was leaving this morning to go "help" ( mum is having surgery as I am writing this so we are all keeping our fingers crossed and waiting for the call to say its ok) he got really upset and it occured to me that 2 yrs ago his dad had to go and look after his mother as she was very ill and that kept him away for nearly a year, I tried to explain that i was only going for 3 or 4 days but think he is frightened on me abandoning him - I was so torn this morning i feel like I am being pulled in so many directions i am struggling to believe that i have done the right thing leaving him for a few days.

This is the 1st time iv posted on mumsnet but felt i had to as iv just had to go thru the same sort of thing tho unfortunatly my fil passed away 23rd dec. all i want to say is children appreciate honesty...my dd is 5 and ds1 is 3 and thruout my fil's short battle with cancer,they were kept appropriatly informed and answered any questions bout what is an uncertain time. just keep up the communication and plenty cuddles :-D best of luck to u and ur family x

Just checking in to say hope all went well with your Mum and that you are doing okay.

Hi Haribojoe, thank you mums operation went as well as we could expect and seems very comfortable today, hoping to move her back home on tuesday. FIngers crossed they removed all the cancer and she start to concentrate on building her strenght up for when the chemo starts.