DD is 5wks. DH is working away for most of her first year. Can you reassure me about attachment and bonding please?

[tigana]

DH was at home for her first 3 weeks. Has seen her for a few hours since then. Basically the pattern for this year is going to be DH away for 3-6 weeks, home for 1-5 days, then away again.

My heart is breaking at how much she changes everyday and how much he is missing. And I know his heart is in a similar state. But it is work. Should be much better in 2013. [brave face emoticon]

Anyway...please can you reassure me that somehow DD will bond with him as her daddy, even though she won't see him much in the 1st year of her life?

(We also have a DS, age 6, but DH was doing a different job when he was tiny).

well it is unfortuante but it can't be helped. I imagine there will be some Forces wives along to tell you that their OHs have to be away for longer stretches and perhaps have some practical ideas but I would say that my DCs only see their grandparents about every three months but always recognised them and were happy to go to them even when they were going through the 8-9month separation thing. Its a shame but with skype and facebook etc you can share images much more readily.

Its important that he bonds with baby too, not just the other way around, so definitely use Skype and get him to talk to your baby so he/she learns to recognise his voice. As baby gets older he could even record himself reading bedtime stories or rhymes to be played to her. They like simple repetitive stories and rhymes really early on, just the sound of their parents voice is soothing for them and if you have the same book you can look at it together whilst listening, or you could all Skype a bedtime story.

My own DM was born in 1937. In 1939 her dad joined the army, got posted to the Far East and she didn't see him again until 1946 when she was nine years old. Literally didn't recognise him when he finally came home. In spite of that lengthy enforced separation, she idolised the man to the end of his life. If you do what you can with photographs, talking about Daddy, hearing him on the phone etc. I don't think you should worry.

When DD was born, DH started working the longest hours he ever had done - he technically lived with us but we literally didn't see him for days at a time and he rarely had a whole day off. To top off a difficult year, I then moved back to our hometown while he continued to work up North for a further 3 months.

I have to say we really regret that year as DH missed so much and did not build much confidence in his relationship with DD. However, it couldn't really be helped and luckily things have completely calmed down now and he has much more family time - he often has DD to himself for a whole day or two a week now (as I am working part time) which they both love!

They didn't get off to the best start but DD adores her daddy now and I don't think the first year has affected their relationship as it is now. The only sadness is from DH feeling like he missed a lot of her first year.

Thanks all.
I am still hoping that DHs work schedule magically alters at some point this year, resulting in him being around far more...but that is very much wishful thinking. :(

My BIL was away on ship (navy) for 9 months a mere 6 weeks after my second nephew was born. I think it tore BIL apart at not being able to see his son much and SIL found it hard work on her own, but my nephew completely took it in his stride and it didn't affect their relationship one bit. It was much, much, much harder on my first nephew who was 3.5 years old at the time...

thanks amyboo.
DH works away frequently, but this is going to be the worst year ever (typical!).

How did it affect your first nephew amyboo?

Tigana, due to the recession I and our 2 dds (then 2.6 yrs and only 3 months) had to move back to my parents' and my home town while dp moved somewhere else to work. We only saw him for a few weeks spread out over a whole year.

It was hard on me but the girls have been fine, mostly. DP has been living with us full time again since 2 months ago and dd2 is now obssessed with him! She follows him around saying "papa papa" and says it all the time to me too when he's not there. Dd1 was initially delighted, then angry with him (and still is a bit I think) but now is warming to him more and more every day and yesterday told me she didn't like me any more and liked him better (when I wouldn't let her take home a horrible Bratz doll from Tesco) so obviously all is well.

The first few weeks they seemed scared I was going to go away instead as they were v v clingy with me and cried even if I went upstairs, but now they can stay a whole day with dp and there are no complaints.

However, he might have to go away again and I am v worried this time about the affect on dds. I am thinking of not allowing it.

OP pm me whenever you want, whether now or in a few months' time if you are finding it hard and need a bit of support - it's tough!

First nephew really missed his Dad and found it quite hard to get close to him when BIL ccame back from his time on ship. It took my nephew quite a few months before he wanted BIL to be involved in his games, etc etc. Heatbreaking for BIL but my nephew was so used to having his Mum do everything that he didn't really want his Dad getting involved. Fast forward a year or so though and everything's fine.