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Parenting

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Original poster

How much time - literally - does your dh/dp spend with the children on a work day?

67 replies

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 13:04

I'm getting so frustrated with dp at the moment because of his lack of enthusiasm to spend any 'proper' time with dd and ds. DD has just turned 4 and for about a year when she was 2, myself and dp had a lot of issues and spent a lot of time arguing/shouting etc and it took it's toll on DD. As a result she can be a bit 'funny' with dp but at the same time she is literally craving attention and time from him but he just can't see it.

He does work long hours, and 6 days a week, BUT the children are up at around 7ish most mornings and come into the bed to watch cartoons. He will often turn over and stay asleep. When he does finally get up he's only then got time to eat and get dressed and he's gone. He doesn't get home until they are in bed. On a Sunday I have to make him go out and do stuff or he'd happily sit in front of the tv all day long. I can appreciate that being at work all the time he wants some time to himself but I know that if it was me going to work I'd be despereate to spend every spare minute I got with them.

Last night dd and ds were late going to bed so they were up when he came in... dd was so excited to see Daddy but instead of devoting half an hour solely to her he was half playing poker on the computer then when it came to bedtime she was in tears because she wanted more time with Daddy. He gets annoyed with me because I say he should get up when they wake up and have at least an hour of just him and them before he goes to work so they get time with him every day but all I get is "But I'm tired, I work all day" .... but he stays up watching shit tv til midnight....

I just don;t know if I need to keep on and get it through to him or if it's just a 'man' thing and I'm being overly sensitive with pg hormones?!?!

OP posts:

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Meanoldmummy · 27/01/2006 10:16

He gets up with them and does breakfast - so that's usually about 30 mintes with them without me - I get up around 7.45 - 8.00, and then about another hour with all of us while we get them dressed etc together. We all walk out together and when we get to DS1's nursery I take DS1 in and he goes off to work. I then have ds2 all day and pick ds1 up at 11.45am. Dh comes home for an hour at lunch time a couple of times a week. He comes in at about 5.40pm, at which point the children are either eating or have finished their dinner. He then plays with them and gives them attention, mostly on his own (I either mess about on MN, read or stick my oar in, but let him take the lead - it's his time) We get them changed/bathed/upstairs together, and he virtually always does their bedtime story and settles them to sleep, although I often go up and fuss them because I can't resist it. I used to do the story but DS1 started saying "I want Daddy" every night

cod · 27/01/2006 10:22

Message withdrawn

chicagomum · 27/01/2006 10:29

My god MoM I'd love my children to get even 1/2 that amount of time with dh. .

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Meanoldmummy · 27/01/2006 10:31

Sorry folks yes, I AM very lucky in that sense. But I do have other pressures in my life which are damn near intolerable. So I suppose it evens itself out one way and another

cod · 27/01/2006 10:31

Message withdrawn

Meanoldmummy · 27/01/2006 10:34

I do all the clothes/breakfasts etc the night before - and when I get back from taking ds1 to nursery I tidy up the mess they've made playing in the morning. It's a good system. But as I said, I have other things in my life which others don't have to put up with. The grass is always greener

blueshoes · 27/01/2006 10:40

Dh works fulltime and I work pt on a reduced hours basis. We both have the same commute. Dh does not see dd more than 5 mins most mornings except on the rare occasion he does the nursery drop off. He has one hour with dd from 7 pm when he comes back from work until 8 pm when dd goes to bed. Dh helps with the bedtime routine.

But the deal between us was that I work pt to be able to take on the primary childcare role. Feel very fortunate to have the privilege of downshifting from ft - though sometimes do resent shouldering the burden of childcare when dd is particularly difficult. Once that happens, dh is forced to do the dropoff!

foxinsocks · 27/01/2006 10:47

zephyr, it really becomes a vicious circle.

I think if you don't force him to start dealing with the kids, he will lose more and more confidence. Leave him alone with them - let him see that he can still manage to do it and their relationship will start improving.

If you think he is still harbouring some sort of depression, it might be worth another visit to the GP because perhaps there are deeper issues that are troubling him.

Bugsy2 · 27/01/2006 11:13

zephyrcat sounds like you need to ban the TV & computer. So sad to hear your dp is just losing his life into these things. Its as though all he does is work and watch TV or play on the computer and he's not actually living at all, while his daughter is growing up not spending any time with her dad.
Maybe he is depressed, because the scenario you paint doesn't suggest a man brimming over with the joys of life.
All this unwinding when you come in from work is just a luxury when you've got small children! No opportunity for me to "unwind" when I get in from work. I'm lucky if I get five mins to change my clothes & make a quick cup of tea. I open the door and its full on for two hours until they are in bed. I might have had a really crap day at work - but so what? I'm the only one there for my children so I can't be feeling sorry for myself.
I let my ex-H get away with a whole lot of the behaviour described on here, and he still left me. Don't be martyrs, make these big grown up men pull their weight, otherwise what is the point of them being there? You might as well just get cash payments from the CSA, because you're doing it all yourself anyway.

Original poster

zephyrcat · 27/01/2006 11:18

You're right. I've said to him a few times that I might as well be on my own - at least then I can just get on with it and not have to think about him as a third child!!

I half wondered if he read this last because he woke up late this morning and said 'oh god I'm so sick of this getting home go to bed get up straight back to work' THen he was really nice to dd!

I know deep down he doesn't do it intentionally - the children mean the world to him... he carries a pic of them in his shirt pocket and shows them off to anyone and everyone! It's just frustrating because I see how dd is after he's gone

OP posts:

CarolinaMoon · 27/01/2006 14:15

god, I'd be depressed if I had a job like his - 6 days a week .

I too have a dp who stays up late watching crap TV to unwind after work. I think those who've said about men feeling trapped in their job are right - dp complains about it from time to time, but the trouble is he couldn't earn anything like his salary doing something else now, and tbh any decent job would have pretty much the same stresses. Maybe we just expect too much excitement/satisfaction from life these days?

Zephyrcat, I think a combo of making him look after the kids by himself on a regular basis and ideally some time for the pair of you to talk honestly about how you feel (maybe with a counsellor?) could really help.

Issymum · 27/01/2006 14:30

Zephyrcat, rather than trying to get DP to just 'spend more time with DD1' generally, why don't you suggest a Sunday morning activity. It's much easier to do something when it's formed into a plan with a beginning and an end. DH felt that he didn't get enough time alone together with DD2 (3yo) and that this was affecting their relationship. So now on Saturday mornings, DH and DD2 share a coffee/babyccino and muffin at the Starbucks in our local Sainsburys and buy the food for lunch together, whilst I take DD1 to ballet class. The whole event takes less than an hour, it is utterly low-key and it has transformed their relationship.

motherinferior · 27/01/2006 14:43

Seconding Issymum's point: I called DP's bluff and suggested that he did (as he'd suggested) do one day a week going into work early and leaving early enough to pick up DD2. It's really nice - they saunter home hand in hand, and it gives them time together.

wannaBe1974 · 27/01/2006 14:54

I'm with Issymum on this one too - an activity is always a good thing. my DH works in London and therefore leaves the house before 6 in the morning as he commutes. he doesn't get home till 7 at night but as soon as he does then the half hour before DS's bed time is spent with DS talking about his day, having a bit of play time and then a story. And we put DS to bed together. Every saturday DH and DS go to the local supermarket to buy bread/milk/lunch, on the way home they stop at a local park and DS plays on the swings etc, all in all they're usually out for about 2 hours but they both love it and it has almost become a part of their saturday together. DH plays with DS as much as he can on weekends and was always very hands on with DS from early age - would change nappies, get up with him on weekends and spend as much time with him as possible. And he realizes that he doesn't spend as much time with DS as he would like and partly for this reason we are considering moving closer to London. I have no issue with my DH sometimes wanting a lie in on weekends as he gets up early every day during the week and doesn't stay up till all hours watching tv/playing computer games, so I know that when he's tired he is genuinely tired because he works so hard so I don't have to. the only thing DH never did was get up with DS in the night if he wakes up, partly because I usually wake up first if DS calls, but also because I don't feel he should have to be the one to get up as he has to get up so early for work. He would get up though if I asked him to.

Having read so many other posts on here I realize how lucky I am

Tortington · 28/01/2006 01:50

loads, in fact i am getting quite jealous, the nature of my work dictates that recently i have been doing a fair number of evening meetings.

dd(12) and dh have a programme they watch religeously and they lie with eafch other on the settee. its now the law that this happens.

we have 2 2 seeter settees and kids automatiocally jump next to dad when they sit down. ive even had a seat free next to me and they fight over sitting next to dad.

this is becuase hes doing the caring. i feel ded pissed off and this is a bad thing.
so dh makes sandwiches irons uniforms and gets them to school every morning.

some mornings as they are out of the house for 8am to walk to school i dont see them as becuase of evening meeting i go in late. then get home late then dont see them.

so i did all the sht hard work grunt stuff and now fck face gets all the love and attention.

completely unreasonable on my part - and i amy add not voiced. the man is obviously wonderful how could i complian?

Highlander · 28/01/2006 09:07

DS and DH get up at 6:30am and have brekky, get dressed etc together. They also read a few books.

I get up at 7:30 ish and DH goes off to work. DH tries to be home in time for DS's bath (6:30pm) but that only happens about 2-3 nights per week.

MIL thnks I'm unfair becasue I don't let DH have a lie-in at w/e's. BUT, he gets a full night's sleep every night, I don't!

DH and I are a bit differenet though as he really wanted a baby and I didn't. I spelled it out how his life would be and he has never given DS the brush-off, never rolled over in bed etc.

youngmama · 28/01/2006 14:04

I have been having some similar discussions with my dh.He sees the kids for about 10 mins max in the morning,though I am sure if he tried he could see them a bit more.At the moment me and dh wake up about 6:30 and have a cup of tea and some toast together(my dh has to get up this time so he is awake enough when he has to leave for work,so I tend to join him)At 7am,I go and wake the kids if they don't wake themselves(ds1 is almost 6,dd1 is almost 4 and dd2 is 2 next week) and dh goes to take a shower.He pops into say goodbye at 7:20 while we are having breakfast and leaves at 7:25.I have asked him if he could not take his shower a bit earlier,say 6:45 so he could wake the kids and have breakfast with us all before he goes.But he likes things the way they are.
I've got to say he is a bit better in the evenings if he is home(he has alot of meetings,sometimes works away) He gets home about 6:30,which is when I am in the process of giving the kids their bath.He comes straight in to say hello and catch up on the day.He then goes and checks e-mails/start supper while I get the kids dressed and ready for bed.He will come back in to say goodnight at 7:15 and we take it turns to read the bedtime stories.I do it one night him the next.
So on average ge probably spends about 45mins-to an hour with them each day as they go to sleep by 7:30.I think its a shame he sees so little as he could have about 30 mins in the morning and an hour in the evening if he chose.But he loves cooking and always cooks our evening meal and uses that as an excuse to not spend that full hour with them at bedtime-he does 10 mins with them when he first gets in,and 15 mins if he reads them the bedtime story(which I am trying to get him to do everytime he is in in the evening since he is not often)I have said that I could cook the meal while he does the bedtime routine,or he could cook it after the kids are in bed at 7:30 but he insists on keeping it like it is.
At the weekend,I insist that he gets up with them one of the mornings(but I had to have lots of tantrums to get him to do that:]) and usually its short lived as one of the kids always seems to get upset and run into me or some problem arises.If I am very lucky I get an hour lie in,but usually its about 30 mins.He then slouches on the sofa while I deal with the kids.We usually visit friends/family or they come to us some time over the weekend(usually on sun afternoons,as I insist we have some kind of family time) He will come with us to the park,and shopping at a push but the overall care of the kids is down to me.I am thinking of starting to insist he takes the kids to the park himself for an hour one day over the weekend so they get time with him alone.
On the days he has a lie in,we don't see him at all until almost lunchtime

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