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Parenting

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Original poster

How much time - literally - does your dh/dp spend with the children on a work day?

67 replies

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 13:04

I'm getting so frustrated with dp at the moment because of his lack of enthusiasm to spend any 'proper' time with dd and ds. DD has just turned 4 and for about a year when she was 2, myself and dp had a lot of issues and spent a lot of time arguing/shouting etc and it took it's toll on DD. As a result she can be a bit 'funny' with dp but at the same time she is literally craving attention and time from him but he just can't see it.

He does work long hours, and 6 days a week, BUT the children are up at around 7ish most mornings and come into the bed to watch cartoons. He will often turn over and stay asleep. When he does finally get up he's only then got time to eat and get dressed and he's gone. He doesn't get home until they are in bed. On a Sunday I have to make him go out and do stuff or he'd happily sit in front of the tv all day long. I can appreciate that being at work all the time he wants some time to himself but I know that if it was me going to work I'd be despereate to spend every spare minute I got with them.

Last night dd and ds were late going to bed so they were up when he came in... dd was so excited to see Daddy but instead of devoting half an hour solely to her he was half playing poker on the computer then when it came to bedtime she was in tears because she wanted more time with Daddy. He gets annoyed with me because I say he should get up when they wake up and have at least an hour of just him and them before he goes to work so they get time with him every day but all I get is "But I'm tired, I work all day" .... but he stays up watching shit tv til midnight....

I just don;t know if I need to keep on and get it through to him or if it's just a 'man' thing and I'm being overly sensitive with pg hormones?!?!

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thecatcherinthequinoa · 26/01/2006 13:08

it varies. my dp also works long hours sometimes BUT, if he is back in time he always gives ds his bath while i do the dinner, and usually puts him to bed as well.

Dp also looks after ds on a sunday while i work, so gets him the whole day which has meant that he does now understand how much work he is which helps a lot!

He didn't used to be so hands-on though, and i think a lot of the time got bored because ds doesn't DO much iyswim? though that's getting better as he gets older and can play more i think. But I did have a talk with dp and we now take it in turns to get ds up in the morning etc etc

fruitful · 26/01/2006 13:10

Well I don't think you're being oversensitive at all, but I don't know how you get through to him, cos nagging doesn't work.

Dh is gone in the morning before the kids get up. He has about an hour and a half each evening at home before they go to bed. So he does the bedtime bath, story etc. Spends a bit of time chatting to me, and glances at his post and has a quick shower (with ds sitting on the bathroom floor). The rest of the time is kid-time. At the weekends if we're not doing stuff all together we take it in turns to do things with the children (although they can entertain themselves a bit too - they're 3.5 and almost 1).

We both work all week and like to have time to ourselves and time to sleep (my work is staying at home looking after the kids, by the way).

WigWamBam · 26/01/2006 13:11

I think you need to keep on and try to get it through to him, because if his dd is crying because he'd rather play poker on the PC than play with her then he has his priorities all wrong.

It's not just a man thing, or if it is then I am very lucky with my dh. He works long hours too, is often away, and is always out of the house before 6am so doesn't have the chance to see dd in the morning, but when he is here the first thing he does when he walks in is have a hug and a chat with dd. He also baths her and puts her to bed almost every night he is here to do it. Generally he's only here for just over an hour before she goes to bed, but most of that time he spends with her, both because he thinks she deserves to have an involved dad, and because he enjoys spending time with her.

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gomez · 26/01/2006 13:11

hi zephyrcat. How are you? And when are you due?

DH is the exact opposite I am afraid - when he is here he is basically involved with the girls from when he opens to the door until they go to bed. We have dinner, they (i.e. DH & DDs) normally have a dance/play around and the Dh will bathe them and I will put DD2 to bed whilst DD1 gets a story. He is very, very good. But I think to be fair some of it is guilt on his part as he is away a fair bit each month - for example this week he left Sunday night and will be back late this evening so hasn't seen them at all. He also is away early in the morning so often has only a 5 minute cuddle then.

Does he make up for it on a Sunday thou'? Or could you get him to do specific things with DD & DS rather than say, please play with them?

philippat · 26/01/2006 13:13

sounds like he has an issue winding down from work. And perhaps he's feeling the pressure of having to be the provider?

You're never going to persuade him to spend more time with them if he doesn't want to (not saying that's right, but that's the way it is). However, you could ask him how you could make things easier for him to spend time with them so he can do it on his own terms rather than yours.

Does he have to work so much? those are very long hours.

KateF · 26/01/2006 13:13

Dh leaves before they're up and gets home when they're going to bed. Sometimes reads dd1 a story but more often clatters about downstairs because it's "untidy" and waits for me to come down and cook his supper

Lonelymum · 26/01/2006 13:14

I know where you are coming from Zephyrcat, my dh is the same. He used to be home in time for baths and I used to get him to do them more times than not, but he just saw it as a chore and my kids would rejoice on the days when I did baths because I let them play and talked to them.

Now dh isn't even home to do baths usually and even if he is, I tend to do them as I decided it was better if dh didn't do them as he hates it so much. Instead, I have nagged hiom a lot about spending time with the children and he has finally taken this on board and usually, most weekends, I see him making an effort to do something with them, even if it is only playing a game with the older ones or taking turns with me to take them to their swimming lessons.

I don't think I ask much. He leaves for work at about 7:30 in the morning so he hardly sees them then (if at all) and he gets home about 7 if he comes home at all (often away) so he is really only home in time to put them to bed (no story, just literally put them to bed ) so I feel he should make some effort at the weekend.

I still feel though that the time he spends with the children he sees as another chore, rather than something he actually wants to do.

Original poster

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 13:14

I'm tempted to start making Sunday's his time with them so that he takes them for the day - which would give me a break as well and mean that he has to take initiative with them and look after them as well as DD getting the much needed attention she needs from him.

At the same time I like that we get a day out all together....

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tarantula · 26/01/2006 13:15

I am coming from his pov so to speak as dp is a SAHD. I am up and out the door at 7 every morning so as to get to work early so I have time with dd in the evenings. I have changed my hours so I have an afternoon off to be with her because it is very important to me to spend as much time as poss with her.
Having said that I am very tired when I get home esp if its been a busy day and if the weather been bad (I cycle to and from work) so its sometimes very difficult to give her attention when what I really like to do is collapse in front of the telly and I dont work near the number of hours your dp does.
Is there any chance that he could cut down his hours? or change the times he works so that they can go out and do things together?

GDG · 26/01/2006 13:17

On a weekday

Half an hour in the morning - he does their breakfast so sits at the table with them while I get dressed
Probably 30-45 minutes at night - as soon as he comes in he starts helping with the bath or putting PJs on and he does the bedtime stories usually too (I'm usually needing to get on with work and have read 300 stories during the day anyway )

FairyMum · 26/01/2006 13:18

It's important for fathers to spend time alone with their children as well as family time. I would not like being in your situation.
My DH spends 2 hours with the children in the morning. They have breakfast together and he takes them to nursery. He always do bedtime at the weekends because he is not normally home before their bedtime during the week.

Original poster

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 13:28

Hiya Gomez I'm due april 12th-ish! GEtting fed up with it now though which could be a source of my anger

He doesn't really make up for it on a Sunday - he wants to lie in while I still get up with them both, and then I have to suggest what we do with them for the day. If we stay at home he'll get stuck in front of the tv and he's one of those that once his eyes are on it you have to literally shout at him to get his attention which is even more frustrating for dd.

If we go to the soft play places he will sit and read a paper if he can get away with it... he'll run around after dd if I tell him to.

It makes me wonder if it annoys me even more because my whole life is based around dd and ds so they are always at the front of my mind and I'm being unfair to expect him to think in the same way.... but then at the same time how can he not want to spend the time with them?? They really aren't that bad

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Original poster

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 13:34

Do you think it's fair of me to ask him to get up an hour earlier and give them his undivided attention for say an hour before work? (He doesn't leave for work til about 8-9 so it's not like he'd have to get up at a silly time)

I feel silly telling him what to do with his own children.

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Bozza · 26/01/2006 13:36

Right well my DH is away a few nights a month and occasionally has early starts or late finishes. But as a rule, I get up at about 6.40, he gets up at about 6.50 (or later if he can get away with it) and the children are up at round about 7 although DD fluctuates a bit. On days I am not working I do breakfasts at 7.30 ish(and he sometimes joins us or gets off to work). On days I am working he gives DS his breakfast at about 7.10 while I have DD upstairs with me while I get ready (DD has breakfast at nursery). Then I wash and dress the children and leave for work at 7.40 while he takes over and drops them at the CM/nursery.

At night we all get home at about 6. If I am not working I will have a meal just about ready but he might take DD upstairs while he gets changed. If I am working we juggle DD while getting changed and cooking so we can have something to eat no later than 6.15. After tea we all play together until 7. Then he clears the kitchen and I bath the children. Then we alternate who reads stories to DD and DS, nights about. DD will have 3 board books, DS will have 2 chapters of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Friday and Saturday are Daddy's bath nights. I set this rule just to ensure that he does a few, otherwise he probably would leave it to me.

Could you alter your children's bedtime or your DH's huors to accommodate some time together?

Enid · 26/01/2006 13:36

watching cartoons in bed in the morning sounds like a waking nightmare to me

can you not all get up go downstairs and have breakfast together?

NomDePlume · 26/01/2006 13:38

DH works full time, Mon - Fri. He works away sometimes, but when he is home he spends around 20 mins with them in the morning, and around an hour with DD (he does her bedtime routine) and prob around 15 mins each individually with the DSs. DH, DS1, DS2 and I sit together around the table for tea, too.

Bozza · 26/01/2006 13:38

zc - that sounds like a good idea in principle but it strikes me as if he is not really a morning person. But then if he struggles after work as well you are stuck.

Could you take up early morning swimming and just leave them all to it? I think Gdg used to do that.

NomDePlume · 26/01/2006 13:40

sorry, should have read.. "he spends around 20 mins with them in the morning, and around an hour with DD (he does her bedtime routine) and prob around 15 mins each individually with the DSs, in the evenings."

Original poster

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 13:42

watching cartoons in bed is a nightmare but if I get up with them he won't bother and then he will definately go back to sleep!!

OP posts:

alicatsg · 26/01/2006 13:42

I'm also coming from his pov as my DH is a sahd. I leave about 6.30/7am and get back about 7.30pm. Its really hard to keep the energy going but I found getting myself up and dressed before DS meant I got 45 mins with him in the morning which is the only way I get any real play time with him during the week. I always try to do his story and bedtime if I'm not too late. That said some days if DH said he'd do that I'd leap at the chance to sit down with no distractions for 30 mins.

Could you swap something? ie I'll sort the bills if you get up a bit earlier to spend time with the kids or I'll put out your clothes/bring you tea in bed?

gomez · 26/01/2006 13:43

ZC - 12th April, I am quite jealous, we are just about to start trying for number 3 so hoping I won't be too far behind you!!!

Anyway, - if he doesn't 'do' mornings then I am not sure that would work. Can you get him to take turn-about in the morning even - particulary as you get further on the rest would be good for you. And also do turn about on Sundays - so one or two weeks family outing, one week you have them on your own for a few hours and one week he does the same? Perhaps not practical but I can't think of anything else to be honest. Sorry hun .

kama · 26/01/2006 13:44

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Original poster

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 13:51

We tried that last time I was pg, I started work when I was 20 weeks pg as he was all 'If you were working I'd help with the diner washing etc' He didn't though

Also the job he's doing now he can't change his hours it's all complicated! Doesn't help that the guys he works with are all family-free work-a-holics and expect him to be the same.

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Original poster

zephyrcat · 26/01/2006 14:00

Good luck with number 3 gomez!! This was a bit of an accident and it still hasn't really sunk in yet - bit late now!!

OP posts:

gomez · 26/01/2006 14:04

Could take ages thou' ZC.

Can't suggest anything else I am sorry - except a swift kick in the balls perhaps? (Not helpful Gomez stop it.)

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